Let Me Count the Ways

Dear Barney,

 

When I went to sleep last night on your pillow for the third night this week instead of waking you up to ask you to trade me my pillow back, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I researched recipes to come up with two different unique and home-cooked dinners for you this week, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I did all of the dishes, emptied the dishwasher yet again, and did the laundry, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I went outside to look at the snake that you killed rather than staying as far away from it as possible like I wanted to, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I gave the kids a bath while feeding the baby and got all three into bed while you were working downstairs, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I watched a movie with you rather than finishing my grading or reading my book, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I over-react, when I acquiesce with less-than-a-willing heart, when I allow a poor attitude or tired spirit to creep into my engagements with you, please know that my actions and words are not an indication of a lack of love or a lessening of my intense feelings for you.  I know that it is unfair of me to want you to only listen to the messages that I send out through my positive actions rather than my negative ones, but please know that no matter how cranky I might get, no matter how frustrated, angry, upset, or even indifferent I might seem, you are my best friend and my great love.  I wish I could exterminate completely the negative behaviors that might dampen the messages that I try to communicate with my positive and good actions.  Since that will probably never happen, I just wanted to let you know that my heart is in the right place, that is, in your safekeeping.

 

I love you,

me.

I Do, I Do, To You and You and You

Dear Barney,

 

This past week saw me in two different doctor's offices to be evaluated for two different issues, both of which had the possibility of revealing an outcome of cancer.  By the grace of God, I was cleared in both instances--one was benign cysts and the other a false positive result on a previous test.  The night after I found out the good news, we were cooking dinner together for some friends, and you were stressed out about having enough food.  Finally, you kept asking me why I wasn't stressed out, and I just looked at you and said, "There's enough food.  This isn't something to stress out over--I know we will have plenty." (which we did of course!).  I took the same attitude as we planned for our eldest son's fourth birthday party this week (which of course is so unlike me).  Your response back to me was that you are glad that those issues arose and that I had to face the possibility of having cancer because it changed my perspective on what matters and what does not.  Upon much reflection, I could not agree more.  In reality, my life has not changed at all.  I don't have cancer now, but I didn't have it before either.  However, I had to come to terms with the idea that I could have it, which made me reflect on my mortality in a much more concrete fashion that I am accustomed to doing.  It's not like I wasn't aware before that I will someday die, but that day has always seemed pretty remote and something easy to set aside and ignore for the time being.  During the couple of weeks from the time that I was asked to make the appointments to the time that I actually went in, that "someday" became so much more tangible to me.  I don't recommend spending all of your time thinking about death, but as cliched as this is, those weeks really did give me a far more concrete appreciation of my life and the blessings that I have been given--especially you and the children.  Mostly, it is so much more real to me that the time that we have together is absolutely finite.  There are only so many days in which I can do better or can make the time to have quality experiences with you all.  When one becomes aware of how much each moment counts, it has a mobilizing effect on avoiding procrastination and on finding opportunities to turn the mundane into the special. 

 

Regardless of whether or not this new(ish) outlook had a strong impact on our week, I had a great week with you this week.  We put together two new bookshelves and a wine rack, we put up new lights, and we had our sidewalk and swingsets put in.  We also watched two movies together, planned and executed a birthday and a birthday party, and managed to almost completely avoid tense moments throughout the entirely insane week.

 

In church today, as I looked around at all of the other couples sitting around us, I was struck by how grateful I am to be the partner that you chose.  If nothing else could convince people of the existence of God, anyone who is as lucky as I am to have a soulmate with whom they spend their lives should have no doubt that there exists a loving God who only wants the best for His people.  It's just too amazing to be coincidence.  And it's definitely not an accident.

 

You.  Me.  --that's fate, destiny, and one amazing blessing.

 

I love you so much.

 

--me.

Happy Anniversary!

Dear Barney,

 

I have been wanting to write you all week long this week, but the baby's new schedule of getting up at 6:00am is limiting my time a bit more than I would like.  First of all, happy anniversary!!  I can't believe that we have been married for eight years, and I really can't believe that from this point forward, we will have logged less time as a married couple without kids than time as a married couple with kids.  Our big boy is going to be four this week, can you believe it??  My heart just swells each time I see you playing these games with him that are so much more grown up than what he could do even a few short months ago.

 

This week was a really great week for us I thought.  Our actual anniversary day was kind of a comedy of errors from the canceled babysitter and thus canceled plans to the charred and inedible mushrooms and the terrible choice of movie that we picked.  For much of my life, I would have been really upset by these things, feeling that the day was ruined.  But, this year, I wasn't actually upset at all; instead, I felt very close to you and was just happy to be with you and to have our eight years to celebrate at all.

 

Then, we kind of got a second chance at our evening tonight since our oldest kids are at my parent's house for the night.  I loved our nap together this afternoon.  Since you almost never nap, and since one of us pretty much always has to be on kid duty during daylight hours, we so rarely nap together as to have it be nonexistent in our life.  I loved those stolen couple of hours.  Then, we finally got the bookshelf built, had a delicious dinner, and watched a much better movie.  

 

To top it off, we got to share those stolen minutes in the brief rainstorm that blew through, giving our baby his first experience with rain.  I loved sitting on our porch together smelling the rain and watching the Earth hungrily devour the so desperately needed precipitation.  We get so wrapped up in our own lives that we can forget just how much we rely on nature and God's providence in our lives.  The rain was such a vivid reminder of that tonight, and it made me feel so close to you to know that whatever is thrown at us will be faced by us as a united front.

 

I love you so much.

 

--me.

We Survived and Made it to the Other Side!!

Dear Barney,

I feel like our trip to the lake with your family was ultimately a big success, even if seven days was a tinge too long for the kids.  I know that the lack of sleep made all of us cranky at times, and I know that there was a night when I felt like you and I had basically not had any quality time together for the whole week.  After our brief flare up though, two things happened that really altered my view.  The first is going to sound very strange.  Even though we had been there for several days, I used the downstairs restroom for the first time on our trip, and I had a vivid flashback to one of the worst days of our marriage, for me.  I remember on our other trip to that house, several years ago, sitting in that bathroom and sobbing as quietly as I could.  There were several things going on: 1. I already had a premonition that the pregnancy we had just announced would not ultimately be successful, and I was scared about that.  But, I was also so convinced at that point in our marriage that if you were asked or forced to choose between me and your other family that you would walk away from me without question.  In reality, what I meant by that thought was that you saw your parents and siblings as your real family while I was not nearly as important to you or as loved by you.  On that vacation, you spent all of your time with your brothers leaving me to try to figure out a place with the girls, and I did not feel like I fit in with your family.

Remembering that moment while sitting in the same place where it occurred the first time five years ago while feeling some of the same types of things made me realize something very important.  Namely, it is very clear that you see me and the children as your family just as much as anyone else in your family, and it is very clear that we are a huge priority in your life.  You did a great job of helping with the childcare responsibilities throughout the entire week.  While we didn't really have any alone time, I also never felt like you didn't want me around or that you were oblivious to my presence, which is how I sometimes felt in the past.  In addition, when I broached my frustrations with you five years ago, you didn't really listen or understand how I felt at all.  This week though, after that one short conversation, you did such an amazing job of going out of your way to seek me out a couple of times a day to check in with me and to try to help out during times when I needed a break or to get some work done.  You not only listened to what I said, but you made a big effort to try to make things better for me.  I want you to know that I noticed and am very appreciative.  It is just one more reason why I am so glad that you are mine.

I also worked hard this week to make sure that you had plenty of time with your family, that you got as much sleep as possible, and that you got to participate in the activities that were most interesting and fun for you.  In comparing our two trips to that particular house with your family, I believe that I have made huge gains in my abilities to interact with your family as well as in my feeling of truly belonging to the family.  I am so glad to feel like I truly belong and can be myself with your family.  And, I am so grateful that we both have such wonderful families for our children to be able to grow up with.

I love you.

--me.