Day 101--The Other Shoe Dropped?

Today was a day that I would classify as a normal day, inasmuch as that can be applicable in the middle of a move.  I had a heavy work day, and I spent most of the day working.  Barney had a lighter day and thus spent the afternoon running errands.  We picked the kids up early and took them to get George's hair cut.

Then, on the way home, we got a call from our lender.  They initially told us that we don't qualify for our loan, but in discussing the details with us, it came to light that they had neglected to use a large chunk of our income.  They are missing information that we now have to provide to them, despite how much information we have already provided documenting the money that we make (including the missing elements).  Our lender has assured us that now that she fully understands our financial situation, and taking into account the missing pieces, we more than qualify for the loan.  However, that assurance does not feel great on the heels of being told we don't qualify because they did not bother to get the documentation that they need.

The other really bad part is that now we are assured that there is no way that we will be able to close on schedule.  So, first we are waiting on the seller to agree to push back the close date.  Then, we have to figure out what to do in the meantime since we absolutely have to be out of our current home on schedule, regardless of when we close.  We have to find a place to keep our stuff, find a place to stay ourselves, and deal with all of the other myriad of details like re-arranging utilities, movers, childcare, etc.  Since we have no set move-in date at this point, it's not even like we can just push things back and set a new day.  We are now officially in limbo.

I have no idea what things are going to look like or where I am going to take my children or my possessions next week.  That sounds melodramatic because of course I am fully aware that we have many options and will not be reduced to anything dire.  But, the ground under my feet is anything but solid right now--and today feels like the other shoe dropped.  I can list for you at least 10 really bad outcomes, ranging from our seller using this as an excuse to walk away to paying thousands of extra dollars to store/move our stuff while imposing on others who don't need four and a half people taking up their available space.

When I am scared, I turn in on myself--I ignore my phone and certainly don't make calls, I turn off my computer chats, and I just close down.  That is, I close down to everyone but Barney--he is the person that I always turn to for comfort and solace.  But tonight, I have found myself shutting down from him too.  I am avoiding even being in the same room as him, not because I am mad but because I am too scared to know how to act with him.  Normally, when I am scared, I know that he is less scared than me, while still knowing that he understands me, but this time he is as scared or more scared than I am.  I keep telling myself I just have to show up and to be there--offer a presence if he needs it or leave him be if he needs that, but it's really hard to be there for someone else when I am not even there for myself.

Early in this pregnancy, I thought for sure that I was heading for my third miscarriage.  Our first sonogram showed Jefferson to be much smaller than what I knew him to be, and the heartbeat, while there, was very faint.  That sonogram was a virtual copy of the experiences that I had with my first miscarriage, and so I was sure that I was headed home to wait for the inevitable.  But, Barney had such faith--he believed in the pregnancy, and he believed that this baby would be okay.  Losing a baby is far worse than losing a house, much less only temporarily being delayed from moving into our house.  So, by logic, it makes far less sense that I am so much more closed off to Barney tonight than I ever was during that hellish two weeks of waiting.  I know that I am not mad at him, and there is no part of me that feels that he is to blame here.  I just feel like I have nothing to give and no ability to receive either.  I feel rudderless and without a moor.

I also have a strong suspicion that tomorrow morning I will wake up and feel embarrassed that anyone has read this entry.  (In part because hopefully things will seem less scary tomorrow).  But, I am going to post it anyway, because I want Barney to have a true documentation of this year and the way that this project has run, no matter how unattractive I may be presenting myself along the way.  I'm just sayin--I know that there is a streak of crazy in this post, even if I'm not sure if the knowing makes it better or worse.

Day 100--So Proud

I am just so proud of Barney today.  He has successfully completed all of the requirements to graduate from Grand Canyon University with his MBA and will graduate Summa Cum Laude with a 3.9 GPA.  He plays it off in a big way when talking about it to other people, but I have seen how hard he has worked over the last 15 months, and I am so proud of how dedicated he remained to staying in school.  He has tried going to graduate school twice before without successfully completing because he hated school so much.  But, he did this all on his own.  I never, ever had to remind him or even encourage him to do his school work.  He made it a priority each day and often went well above and beyond the minimum requirements for his courses, as evidenced by his GPA.  He tries to act like his classes weren't tough because they were online, but I know many people who found the online format even more challenging than traditional classrooms.  He was so successful first because he was motivated and second because he really is good at what he does.

Today was a really good day, though we didn't spend it celebrating per se.  We met the builder at the house to discuss the last minute fixes to the house, and then we found a hole in the wall Mexican food place to eat at for lunch.  This afternoon, we took the kids on a local train ride through some parks, and then we used a Groupon to get one of Barney's favorite dinners.  We packed for a while and then watched Modern Family once both kids were in bed.

The real celebration is on Friday when my mom and dad are taking the kids for a night.  I am still planning the details but am trying to come up with some fun and new ideas for things we can do--something outside of our normal box of ideas.

Day 99--Body Pillow Metaphor

I've started thinking about our relationship in terms of a particular metaphor--the body pillow metaphor.  To explain, I need to go back a little bit in time, and by a little bit, I mean about 25 years.  When I was little, I would try to trick myself into falling asleep on those nights when sleep remained elusive by telling myself that there was a bad man right outside my window, and if I was awake, he would know that I saw him, and he would get me.  But, if he thought I was asleep, he would leave me in peace.  Of course, this concept was scary to a five year old child (or a 30 year old woman, come to that), so I began to also camouflage myself.  I did that by getting my stuffed animals and dolls and lining them all the way down my bed on either side of my body, under the covers.  Then, I would curl up as small as possible in the middle and try to look like just another doll, so that the bad man would not even see me.

After a while, I started to need the feeling of something on either side of me in order to fall asleep.  As I got older, the stuffed animals were replaced by pillows.  Then, when I got married, I tried to abandon this habit, but it didn't last long.  I just always felt unprotected and naked on the side where Barney was not.  So, I re-implemented pillows, but on one side only.  It took some adjusting for Barney and I to figure things out with this third occupancy in the bed, but we did eventually come to find it routine.  And then, during my pregnancy with George, I discovered the wonders of the body pillow--one long pillow that I can curl up with--just amazing.  At some point, Barney began to want to share the body pillow, so we often snuggle at night with the Barney holding me on one side, and me holding the body pillow on the other, with the body pillow in a fish hook shape.

The problem is that because of my strong attachment to the body pillow, I cannot sleep holding Barney because I cannot wrap myself around him like I do the body pillow without bringing out his minor claustrophobia really quickly.  So, we can either cuddle in exactly one position, or we generally face the opposite way from one another.  If I want to turn onto my left side where Barney is, that entails putting a pillow between us, which I avoid doing as much as possible--it just doesn't feel right.

The point is that we only have one comfortable position in which we can sleep as a couple.  Otherwise, we may be co-sleeping, but there is no intimacy or bonding in the experience.  This post is not about trying to change our sleeping habits--it's about how our sleeping habits are something of a metaphor for our relationship.  We have established patterns and routines for what we do as a couple and for ways that we bond.  We rarely step outside of these patterns, and as such, it is easy to become stagnant as a couple without any real growth.  We've found what's comfortable and thus have no incentive to continue to push relationship, but a relationship that doesn't grow will eventually wither.  I want to take what is healthy and continue to make it better, rather than allowing it to become weak and frail and having to nurture it back to the state where we are now.

Day 98--The Big Sleep

So much for trying to live in the present.  Yesterday was a haze of busyness from breakfast with Barney's mom to a very late start to work to Barney's sister's visit to help us pack (an incredibly sweet gesture), to it being the normal busy Monday that we see each day.

I recently read a book about one woman's quest to connect with God and to feel His presence in her life.  While she is Jewish, there were many things in the book that I related to.  One thing that I keep thinking about was a Buddhist woman who talked about finding zen despite being the active mother of six children and grandmother of many more.  Her constant daily activities precluded her from having the meditation time that most Buddhists apparently need to reach the state of peace and oneness that is a primary quest of Buddhism.  This woman found it by focusing only on each task at hand and giving it all of her attention--she called it "Stirring the pot mindfully."  I love that concept, but I have no idea how to put it into practice.  If I'm not planning things during my cook time, how will I know what I need to do next, and when will I make the plans that really are necessary?

Barney and I haven't had any real time to ourselves since Friday and our only partially successful date afternoon.  So, since we got so ahead in packing this weekend with the help of Barney's mom and sister, I thought that once the kids went to bed, we could skip packing and have some quality time together, even if it meant not catching up on all my work.  But, by 8:45, I was completely wiped out.  As soon as we put George to bed, I headed to the bath, which sometimes rejuvenates me a bit.  This time it didn't.  I was in bed and asleep by 9:45pm--three hours earlier than normal.

I could try to justify the decision to go to bed as something I did in part for Barney because when I become too sleep deprived, I get so much crankier.  But, it wasn't a decision that I really even consciously made.  It was just my body telling me that I needed sleep right NOW.

But, maybe it will allow me to bring my mind into better focus today to help me better excel at the required tasks and then to be able to turn all of my attention to Barney.  One goal for today is to come up with a plan for Wednesday--it is not only day 100 of this project, but it is also the day Barney will finish his MBA.  Despite what he claims, that is something to celebrate, and I intend to do just that.

Day 97--Finding Myself in the Present

Do you know how easy it is to lose sight of bigger ideas in the midst of details?  I am a detail person, and I always have been.  The big picture is Barney's job, while I am the person who takes care of all of the little stuff.  For example, I have spent a lot of time working on utilities this week--getting the ones scheduled to disconnect at our current house and getting the ones set up to start at our new house.  Apparently, women rarely do those types of things in Aledo, because when I called the first propane company, the woman asked me if I wanted to consult my, "um . . . partner" before making a final decision on what type of tank to get and where to put it.  I guess only lesbians actually set up their own propane.

But, the point here is that I can so easily lose myself in details and keep all of my focus on the minutae of each day.  I can make lists and plans all day long, and then when the day ends, I will realize that I haven't actually spent any time on things of value.  If I'm not careful, I am going to look back on my life one day and realize that all I have done is take care of the petty or even frivolous details, spending so much time planning and organizing that I forgot to actually enjoy the outcomes I was working for.  I seem to either dwell on the past or focus on the future.  Living in the moment is not my forte.

I have a hard time focusing on other people in the present, and that ranges from strangers to family to my husband.  It has lead to social awkwardness, and it has lead to many of my greatest weaknesses as a wife.  My goal for now, then, is to stop focusing on what I should have done or what I need to do and to allow myself to focus on the right here and right now.  And, mostly that means in this context, focusing on enjoying time with my husband and paying attention to what is happening rather than what I want to have happen or feel like should be happening or am planning to have happen soon.

Days 95 & 96--Introspective Musings

It has become increasingly hard to write about my project over the last few weeks.  In part, this is because we are at such a hectic and intense juncture in our lives, but part of this is also because I have reached a place where so much of the work that I am trying to do is internal rather than external.

I have developed a pattern in my actions of taking Barney's well being into consideration as I move throughout my day, and it is fairly natural to see and execute small gestures to make his day brighter, from agreeing to a meal I am not excited about that he is craving, to simply picking up his clothes rather than harassing him about it--again, to bringing him a milkshake out of the blue.  I have found that there are not 365 different things that I can do on a daily basis that are budget and time-friendly.  There are a variety of things, but less and less often these days are my ideas unique or wildly different than what I have done on other days in this project.  As a result, my blog of late feels almost more like a recounting of our days than a journal of an embarked upon project.

A regular reader of this blog might easily infer that the initial concept has gotten lost or packed away with our books and our plates.  What I should have been writing about rather than the mundane details of our days together is the transition that I have been making from becoming a wife who has deliberately been performing kindnesses for her husband each day to a wife who is grappling with how to become a true partner where what is best for "us" is no less central to her inner core thoughts than what is best for "me" and indeed someone where those two concepts are usually so intertwined as to be virtually inseparable from one another.

I think that in many ways, it is easier to think that I can change the environment in which we live--let's get a new house, new furniture, better childcare--and that will be all the improvements that we need.  If I can just make this move happen, make our new home a perfect sanctuary for our family, we will be set up to have the perfect family life.

But, God keeps putting things in my life to force me to see that ultimately what I should be striving for, that what the ultimate goal of this project must be, is to become a better version of myself in order to be a better helpmate and soul mate for my partner, as well as a better mother, and etc.  Self-sacrifice and gift-giving are a part of being a better partner, but they were the easy first stage.  I didn't have to change myself during that first stage, but I am learning that if I don't move past that first stage, I won't have accomplished anything at all really.  Being attentive to my husband's superficial wishes and desires is definitely a good thing, but a partner is the one person in our lives who must also be permanently committed to our spiritual and emotional needs.  I have done my best in these areas since we got married, so the problem is not the lack of desire or drive on my part.  What hinders and limits me are my personal limitations themselves.  If I am not nurturing my own spiritual life, than I am not going to be much help to Barney.  If I am not striving to become a better person myself, I am not going to be prepared to support Barney in his own endeavors at self-improvement, much less being able to nudge or guide him in either area in the times when that may be needed as well.

A curious thing about looking down at the future of this project is that I am increasingly wondering how far I can go on my own without telling Barney about what I have been trying to do and then embarking on this project together.  In a partnership, if one person is trying to take things to new levels but is not willing to share that information with the other partner, can it ever be successful, no matter what the reason for the secrecy is?  I am just not sure.

Days 93 & 94 -- More of the Same

I have to tell you about yesterday.  As I had mentioned, Barney spent much of yesterday out at the new house working on stuff for our backyard while I stayed home and worked primarily on utilities--both shutting down the current house and setting up the new house (what an absolutely unpleasant task that was).  Barney called on his way home, and it happened to be right near the end of Sonic happy hour, so I asked him to swing by and pick up a tea for me, and he was totally fine with that.  A little bit later he got home and had completely forgotten to get the tea, just as he had with the now infamous pudding.  I teased him a little bit but went out and picked it up really quickly.  This time there was no anger.

Then, last night, Barney ate with the kids while I was working, and so once they were done with dinner, he asked what I wanted.  I placed an order with him for something from a nearby cafe, and he decided to check to see if the stores right next to the cafe had any boxes while he was out.  He came home with a car full of great boxes--but NO food.  He had forgotten again.  At this point, he felt very terrible about constantly forgetting him, and I may or may not have played it up to the full hilt last night--but in a teasing way and not by pouting or being angry as I did with the pudding.

I quickly ate, and then we packed for hours last night.  I finally finished up and went to bed around 1:00am.  I woke up extremely sore and still exhausted this morning.  So, this afternoon, I treated myself to a nap, which was definitely very needed at this point.  I am going to go for lighter packing tonight as well.  Too bad that my favorite show is still on hiatus so that I cannot use it as an excuse for a nice break.

Today, Barney wanted me to go with him to Home Depot to look at trees and grass seed and lawn mowers.  So, that was our afternoon excursion.  I cannot believe how the countdown is flying past until we are supposed to move into our new home, and I cannot believe just how much we still have to do to get ready for the big day.