Days 136 & 137--Turning 30

Barney is working so hard to make my 30th birthday special for me.  I don't know if he senses that I am not looking forward to it as a milestone or just if he feels like it is a major milestone that should be celebrated.  Either way, he has worked hard already to try to make it a good birthday.  First, we got to go to my hometown last night to eat at my favorite restaurant, and then we drove over two hours to his sister's house to spend the night because it was part way to this huge flea market that I wanted to visit to get fun decorations for our house.  (The kids are with my parents).

Then, we drove another hour today to go the flea market, where we got several really cool things for the house.  We got home at a reasonable hour tonight, putting away our new goodies, then cooking a homemade dinner and watching a movie for the first time in our new house.

It should have been such a good day, but I continue to be plagued by sadness over the loss of my cat, and Barney continues to make it clear that he does not want to get a new one.  So, in addition to mourning my cat, I also am struggling with a wide range of emotions, from anger to resentment, over the knowledge that I am not going to get a new cat in the future.  It is hard for me to be honest or to interact well with Barney right now because I am on the one hand so touched at his obvious attempts to make me feel special while also almost seething with resentment over the knowledge that the one thing I want most is not going to happen.

As with any other issue we have faced, I know this will work itself out, but in the meantime, I am just a bit at a loss these days.

Days 134 & 135--My Saddest Days So Far

Yesterday my cat went missing.  He hated the fans all over the house that are so loud, and when workers were in and out at some point, he slipped out.  We thought he was just hiding (which is what he's been doing since the fans came on), so we are not sure what time exactly he got out.  But, the bottom line is that he is nowhere to be found.  Since we just moved and since his tag has our old home phone on it, we don't think there is a very good chance of him coming home.

I am very sad about this, and it has made me very resentful of the house and its issues in general.  So, it has made everything hard for me, including interactions with Barney.  I know that he does not want another cat, and I know equally well that I will strongly want another cat.  I have long known that we would one day have this issue, but I didn't realize it would be so soon.  I will have to think long and hard about this because I have had a cat my whole life, and it is very much a part of who I am.  But, I know that Barney has valid points as well.  Right now I am so emotional about the subject that I have very little perspective, but this will be something that will cause issues for us no matter what.  I know that my first step is to pray about it, and from there, I am really unsure of where to go next.

Day 133--Deflating Our Sails, Again

Today was definitely not our best day.  We had service people in our house from 8:30am until 9:30pm with little breaks in between--the plumber came three times, the builder actually came once, the appliance service guys came, a water softener salesman wasted over an hour of our time, the electricians were here, and then the water extraction guy was here for over three hours.  And, at the end of the day nothing is fixed that was not fixed yesterday, and the report is that the damage to our house is worse than initially expected, and we have several more days of fans ahead of us.  In addition to fans, they took off our baseboards (which are ruined) and drilled holes in our walls to suck the moisture out.  They also took out all of our living room furniture which has been replaced with fancy floor mats and special tubing.  The plumber also decided that he is no longer interested in covering the costs of this adventure. 

Barney is very flustered at this point.  His unwavering faith that things will soon work out on our house is starting to flag.  Instead, we are looking at a looming due date and a house that is far from being suitable for a newborn.  It is hard not to take our frustration over this situation out on each other, but we are both working hard at it.  Today we both felt so mired down that it was hard to do anything--even work.  But, we rallied some tonight, put together some potential plans of action, and prepared for another round of this tomorrow.  I sort of stepped up today and made some broad statements about the direction I would like us to start taking in terms of our plan of action for the house, which I have avoided really doing thus far.  Tomorrow my goal is to step back again and let Barney take the reigns back on the various house issues.  I made my viewpoints known, but ultimately, I am going to stand beside his decisions, even if I do offer both advice and suggestions on what I think those should be.  I am reading George W. Bush's memoir of his presidency right now, and I am constantly struck by how much he talks about relying on Laura as support, as an advisor, and as his sanctuary.  It seems to be an extremely healthy marriage, and she is becoming something of a role model to me in terms of how to be a wife.  She is her own person, but she takes her place beside her husband with amazing grace.  She has her own viewpoints on issues that sometimes differ from her husband, but she manages to support him without compromising her own viewpoints.  She seems to know when to intervene, when to stand down, and when to be there to support her husband.  All of those things are exactly the balance I hope to strike.

Day 132--Happy Easter!

The flood yesterday threw all of our Easter plans for the weekend right up into the air or out the window, depending on how you look at it.  My parents had to come get our children so that we could focus on dealing with the water covering our bottom floor.  Then, the question was whether or not to move our festivities for the Easter meal from our house to my parent's house.  We had been planning to fix Easter lunch here for a while, though that almost got cancelled once it was apparent that we would still not have reliably working appliances.  Then, we decided to just cook out on the grill, so we were back on here.  But, when our house flooded, I wanted to cry uncle and move the party to my parent's house.  My parents were fine with the plan.  But, Barney was very afraid to be gone from our house for so long because if the water were to start coming out again, then we would not be here, and we could sustain large damage to our house and property.  While I felt fairly confident that this would not happen, it was clear that Barney just ultimately was not going to be comfortable leaving the house.

My options were whittled down to two basic options: have Easter at my parent's house without Barney or keep it here and have to get everything ready for the festivities despite the recent flood and house full of water extraction equipment.  Ultimately, I could not go with a plan that would leave Barney out of the family celebrations, so I texted my mom to see if we could still have everyone over.  She graciously agreed, and so we got to work on getting the food fixed (much of the food was also brought by my family), the house cleaned up, and everything ready for today.

We also could not go to church since that would require us to be gone for over two hours, which Barney was not comfortable doing at all.  So, we watched church on our computers from live streaming.   Then, we got right back to work.  The house looked pretty normal (outside of the guestroom at least) by the time everyone arrived, and I think that everyone had a good time.  Nothing was lost outside of some sleep, so I think it was a good decision.  And, the good news is that we are facing a week where we should not have major home projects that we are working on, so maybe we will get some recuperation time. 

Once we got the kitchen cleaned and the fans back up, Barney took the rest of the night off to relax and watch a soccer game.  While I had to work, I was really glad that he got some down time, because he has been going non-stop just as much as I have the last few weeks, and he deserves this break.  Tomorrow we have about 15 different contractors/repair people supposedly coming, so it will be another busy day for him (he deals with almost all of that, thank goodness for me).

But, for tonight, he is off the clock, and as of the end of this sentence, so will I be--bedtime for this tired person :)

Days 130 & 131--A Flood of Distractions

Yesterday marked the end of our major house projects in terms of unpacking and organizing the house.  We finished up the last room in the house, which technically speaking isn't in the house--the garage.  It was a hard workday, and we crashed early.  So, today was supposed to be the start of a new era of living here and not having major projects.  Then, while we were all at a birthday party this morning for a couple of hours, our house literally flooded as a result of a faulty reverse osmosis system that was installed earlier this week.  We came home to standing water in most of the downstairs that was already ankle deep.  Needless to say, we did not spend the day focusing much on our marriage.  It was disaster mode at hour house.  Barney is stressed in a way that is very rare for him, and I am finding this whole thing hard to process at all.  Tomorrow my family is coming over for an Easter cookout (since we still have no stove and an unreliable oven), and then Monday the repairs should hopefully commence in earnest.  Until then, we are working together as a team just to survive this house at this point . . .

DAys 128 & 129--Feeling Convicted

I've been feeling convicted the last couple of days that I have let my focus slide from my marriage and over to my house a bit too often lately.  They are so tied together that it can feel very easy to justify my tunnel vision on getting our house in order.  After all, this is the hearth and home for both of us, so making it look good and feel like home seems like it is as much for him as it is for me.  But, part of me has always known that while he loves this house and is just as vested in it as I am, I have not been doing this for him--in part, it is for me, in part it is the challenge and the drive to see a job well done, and then in part it is for Barney and the kids.

I know that once Jefferson makes his grand entrance, it will be even harder to make my marriage a central focus in my life, so I really need to spend the next month focusing on the marriage and on Barney.  There have been moments of late where I have seen glimpses of our relationship as it was prior to embarking on this project, and I am not liking what I see.  Even with our trip to New Orleans, we did not connect as much as I was hoping to--it's not that things are bad between us.  It's more like static.  Or even worse, secondary.  It feels like both of us have placed our focus just outside of the realm of our relationship, leaving it to become slightly wilted--much like the roses I so desperately need to water in the pots outside our front door.  I am making a Post-It note to remind me that I need to water the roses, and I cannot allow something like that to ever be higher on my to-do list than making my marriage a priority.

Days 126 & 127--Highs and Lows

Man, yesterday was a great day.  We got home and were super motivated to get a great deal of our projects completed.  Both of us were so glad to be here and so happy to see the progress we made on our house while we were gone.

Then, today was a little rough.  Things that were supposed to be completed by contractors were not completed, and we went without electricity for most of the morning, making it hard for us to get much done in terms of work.  BUT, I unpacked the last box in the house today.  There are still boxes in the garage, but most of that is either garage items, outside items, or things that we plan to quickly get rid of.  So, that was a very exciting moment.  I am also down to only one room (the office) that is not largely put together.

The awesome thing that happened today was that my brother and his sweet wife came to visit, and it was just the infusion we needed.  They bought Barney a belated birthday dinner at our new local Mexican restaurant, and the kids were so excited to see them as well.  It was a refreshing break from worrying over household items, and it did more for Barney than I did all day.  It was a complete break from housework, which I could tell Barney really needed.  I need to figure out more diversions on a daily basis like that for him I think.