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Dear Bryan

Dear Bryan,

I have been putting off this post all day because I still as I write am not sure exactly what to say.  I feel like I need some grand gesture to send off my project and labor of love for you for the last year.  As I reflect back on what I learned, I know this: my love for you has not changed except to grow exponentially with each passing day.  I don't know that I have managed to make sweeping changes in myself as a wife, though I know that I am no super-wife.  I believe that I have become more considerate and more aware of you and your needs and have learned to put us before me as part of my natural way of thinking.  I hope that I am providing a good example of what a wife should be for our daughter and that I am giving our sons ideas of the good things that they can expect from a marriage themselves one day without setting them up for expectations that their wives would hate me for :)  If nothing else, we can say that by the end of 2011, our regular side dish for steak has become mashed potatoes instead of boxed mac and cheese.  Knowing my lifelong aversion to potatoes, that should count for something right??

In all seriousness, my project may have ended today, but my ongoing desire to continue to improve my abilities as a wife has not.  I strive and pray to notice you more, to be attentive to your needs and desires, and to make us more important than me.  I am also striving to strengthen my personal relationship with my Savior, knowing that He must always be first in my life but that he gave you to me to be my second.  In 2012, I hope to continue to grow together as a couple, and it is my prayer that our growth will be in Him as much as in each other, for in that, our greatest strength must surely lay.

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that you are the thing I am most grateful for on this earth, and my prayer each night is that we will one day celebrate our 50th anniversary together with all of our children by our side.  It is my fondest wish in this world, and I intended to enjoy each day with you that we are granted together, hopefully to that amazing landmark milestone and beyond.

Even after a year, I still cannot express to you how much I love you, but I promise to never quit trying.

You are my best friend, soul mate, and I love you so much.

I am ever yours,
Amy

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas

Dearest Barney,

It is the holiday season again, and it has been so fun so far this year.  The children have loved Christmas this year, from putting up Christmas decorations to counting down on the advent calendar, the anticipation and joy in their faces has been so wonderful.

Christmas is always one of my favorite times of year with you, as I love the giving and receiving of presents from you, with each present designed to show our love and make the other one happy.  My "big" present to you this year is a wheelbarrow, with one each for both of our oldest children as well.  I love seeing you outside working in the yard with the children in tow.  It makes our new house feel like home in a way that our first house never quite did, even though it was very much our home.  There just feels like more of a sense of homeownership with this house.

I have several other odds and ends for you as well, but the other "big" gift that I have for you this year is a book of all of my writings and letters to you over the past year.  I will do one more post after this one, and then I will be hitting my one year mark, which will signal the close of this project, though certainly not the close of my determination to more carefully focus on you as a daily goal for the rest of my life.

I love you far more than I have ever adequately expressed in this project.

I am always, yours,

--me.

My Little Sickie

Dear Barney,

I have been sad to see you suffering from the seasonal stuff that hits us all from time to time, especially during the winter season.  I hate it when you are not at 100%, though I hope that I do a good job of taking care of you, just as you do for me whenever I am the one who is ill (which is definitely the more common dynamic as your immune system seems to withhold the common bugs better than mine does).

I wish you warm soup, a comfy bed, and blessed silence in which to recover.  I wish you lots of sleep, a full recovery, and a strong constitution.  I wish you hot chocolate, snuggles with me, and hugs from your children.  In short, I wish you whatever would make you feel better this week.

Rather than writing a long letter, I am just going to go and try to make as many of those possibilities come true as I can.

you are my most beloved, and I am, always, yours.

--me.

Family Ties

Dear Barney,

This concept was formed at your family's house, and we find ourselves there once again.  I believe that there has been a great change in my relationship with your family over the past year.  Whereas at the beginning of the year, I felt like an outsider, by this visit, I feel as much a part of the family as you are.  I have not only this project but the games that we played with your family to thank for this transformation.  While the games were really fun when we first started last year, they grew quickly and overly competitive causing many sour feelings rather than the positive relationship bonding that originally occurred.  So, as you know, on this trip, we decided not to bring any games with us, and then, for the first time since I have been part of the family, we have also failed to play any other games the entire week we have been here.  I was nervous about this coming here, finding in the games my best connections with your other family members.

However, my fears were unwarranted.  I found places to belong, not just by your side, but with your mom and sisters, the guys, and with the children.  I have found a niche that is uniquely mine and feel that I am accepted by all and am viewed as adding value to the family in the same way that any of the other in-laws are.  While that may seem like a childish thing to say to you, for most of our marriage that has not been the case, and I am so glad that it finally is.

It makes me feel more connected to you, and it makes me happy for our children who will (hopefully!) never have to sense any kind of divid or rift between us and our extended family.

I love you so much and am always devotedly yours,
--Me.

I'm Thankful for . . . Well, All of It

Dear Barney,

We are closely nearing the time for Thanksgiving, and I am reflecting on all that I have to be thankful for.  When this year first began, I had no concept of how difficult of a year it would be for me.  It has been my most amazing, challenging, and life-altering year of my life, no question.  It has made me think more and grow more spiritually, and it has seen more self-reflection than probably a good ten other years of my life combined.

I recently read a short story where the protagonist said, "Somehow, usually by accident, you experience joy.  And the problem with joy is that it binds you to life; it makes you greedy for more happiness.  You experience avarice.  You hope life will go on forever."  This year has brought not just joy but a total awareness of the avarice of wanting my life to continue forever and a total dread of the knowledge that there is not a chance that will happen.

I have been spending the last quarter of this year coming to terms with that fact and working to transmute the joy I feel for my earthly blessings (specifically, you and the children) into a better and stronger relationship with our Lord, who is the giver of these blessings but who has too often been overshadowed in my heart by the very blessings that He bestowed upon me.

The road has been rocky, but I am so grateful for the trials of the heart that I have gone through because I truly believe that God is using them to reveal to me his true plan for my life and to build a better relationship with me.  And that can only mean that I will also be a better wife and mother as it will put me more securely on the path which He intends me to take.

I love you more today than I did yesterday, but I hope that I also love you more wisely today as well.

Always yours,
Me

Always Your Cheerleader

Dear Barney,

 

First, I am sorry that it has been so long that I have written.  The anxiety that I wrote about in my last letter continues to impede on my nights, taking up too much room and pushing out the room where the more important things, like writing you, should be in my life.  I know that you don't understand the type of anxiety that I fight, but I really do promise that I am fighting against it every day and seem to be making at least some small progress.  I don't want to look back on the life that I am given and see that I wasted the precious time that I have with you worrying about what life without you would be like.  That is no way to treat such a precious gift.

 

The anxiety really settles in mostly in the evenings, and during the days, I am seeing the amazing work that you are doing for your company.  I cannot believe that you have single-handedly written your own dictionary with over 500 financial terms.  And, when you told me that you were going to create a series of videos, I was quite mystified at the idea.  But here you are several hundred slides and nine presentations later.  Your dedication to the task at hand as been unreal, and it is something that you should be so proud of.

 

I might not understand the content of what you are working on, but I clearly understand the quality of the work that you are producing, and I have no doubt that once unveiled, your expanded version of your company is going to be a huge success.  I am so excited to see the finished product.  While I love my job, I have never done anything that equals the scope of the project you have undertaken all of your own volition.  You are amazing, and I love you so much.

 

always,

Amy

Please Believe Me, I Know Not What I Do, Please Believe Me, I Can't Stop Loving You

Dear Barney,

 

This week marks nine years of knowing each other, and this Sunday will mark nine years since our first date.  From this point forward, we will be closing in on our first decade of life together, which is pretty hard to wrap my head around.  We've managed to do pretty well these first nine years, huh?  Three beautiful children, two stable careers, a home we love, and a love for one another that only continues to grow.

 

I have been fighting anxiety for the past couple of weeks, and much of it stems from a fear of losing all of the wonderful blessings that God has gifted to me, though I know I am undeserving.  My heart constricts at the thought of losing you, and last night, I had to quell panic at the idea of learning how to sleep in my bed without you.  Of course, that panic came because it was 1:00am and I was still awake because I cannot sleep without you and you were up playing XBox with Mitchell. Classic Barney.  But, I love that you are still a kid at heart and not some stolid 35 year old man who lost his boyish pleasures about the same time he lost his full head of hair.  I might have gotten a little less sleep than I would have liked for one night, but I am gaining soooooo soooo much more than that in getting to be your wife.

 

This week, my gestures to you have been multiple nights in the den down the street with the guys enjoying the ball games, stogies, beers, and fellowship of other men while I hold down the fort at home.  It's been a long time since you had the opportunity to enjoy the company of a bunch of guys that you love hanging out with, and I am glad that you are finding that here in our new home.  I know that we are a lot of things for one another, but cigar buddies is not one of those things. 

 

I also want you to know that I have loved you so much these past two months in watching you serve as our son's soccer coach.  Wrangling three and four year olds is the opposite of easy, I know.  But, you do it with grace and style, and I know that George absolutely loves that you are the team's coach.  I am not saying it won't be nice for the season to end this week, but that doesn't change how much I've enjoyed seeing you in that new role.

 

As I write this, I want to go wake you up, just so I can see your smile and tell you I love you one more time today, but I will save that for tomorrow.  For now, just know that you are truly my one and only.

 

I love you.

 

--me.

Things I Love About You

Dear Barney,

One of my all-time favorite scenes from a movie is from When Harry Met Sally at the end when Harry tells Sally all of the little idiosyncrasies about her that made him fall in love with her. I've always thought that would be so romantic and had even been so helpful as to pick out a few things you might list about me. Then, when one of the characters in the book I finished tonight did the same thing, I realized that I had it backwards and should be doing the same for you. Of course, I've kind of done it before, but there's more to add, like this: I love how when you get interested in something, you become totally passionate about it. From the trees to plant in our yard to the survival man gear you keep buying and stashing around the house to your love for buying books because you know I love them, your passion inspires me. Please never lose it.

I love you.

--me.

Not So Deliberately Lately

Dear Barney,

It's been almost a month since I last wrote you, and it so clearly shows in our marriage. I'm full of excuses, from the somewhat good--three kids! Starting my EdD! Soccer, supper club, small group, birthday parties! to the rather lame--Words with Friends! My books! Fall TV!

I feel myself falling back into the pattern of getting easily snappish with you, carelessly allowing a harmful tone to creep into our conversation, even when my intention or actual feelings are much calmer than what I voice.

Today I had the privilege of helping my sister-in-law to register, and while fun, it was a tiring day on the heels of an extremely exhausting weekend. When I got home, I was worn out, overwhelmed at what all I needed to accomplish still today, and was feeling physically sick because I was engorged. So, when you came and opened the car door for me, I greeted you with a diatribe on the state of our car's tires rather than with the sweet welcome you had probably envisioned. By the time I made it in the door, I realized how inappropriate my attitude and way of handling that conversation had been.

But the worst part was that I knew how empty the apology would sound since I seem to be making the same apology and promise to be more careful with my attitude at least once every three or four days now.

This time, I not only mean it but plan to hold myself accountable by deliberately writing to you and assessing things at least once a week and preferably twice a week. When I'm putting honesty to paper about our marriage and myself as a wife, I find I'm a much better wife. So my goal for the rest of 2011 is to do just that.

I love you always, and I'm sorry, again.

--me.

My Collection So Far

Dear Barney,

It was so nice of you to start a game for me that combines two of my favorite things: Easter egg hunts and Halloween. Unfortunately hunting for itty bitty fake snakes all over my house isn't my idea of the best time. So far, I've found them in these locales:

--outside the front door
--outside the back door
--in my chair
--on the toilet seat
--in my sink
--in my bed
--on my pump bag
--in my daughter's mouth

I'm hiding them where I hope you won't find them. Sorry sweetie :)

Fantasy Football

Dear Barney,

I have to admit that my topic tonight is less than lovey dovey. It's football season again which means it's fantasy season again. I could write a whole book about the role that this game has played in our marriage, starting with my realization somewhere in the first six months of our marriage that I would either have to embrace fantasy football or resign myself to a miserable fall and winter every year. So I embraced it. It might have been my first major deliberate act of love for you. But, we are now seven years and three kids later. It's much harder to embrace now. The fun has mostly been replaced with frustration. Luckily I barely care about my games because I could not possibly keep track like I used to Sunday is my hardest work day each week, and now that football has started I'm also responsible for 90% of the childcare all day (except during Sunday School of course), and then in some weeks I'm also preparing for Monday night supper club. Now we are also throwing Sunday night small group into the mix.

I get that you love fantasy and that it's been part of your life for over a decade. I'm trying to allow you to indulge. Honestly. Last Sunday wasn't my best effort as my meltdown right before kickoff revealed. You so clearly had no idea why I was so mad that you quit helping me mop up the exploded yogurt from all surfaces of the kitchen to go sit at your computer for your eighth and last line up check. You seriously had no inkling as to why I was upset. My explanations were of no help. So, it's clear, I just have to try to deliberately embrace it again this year. I promise to try . . . Because I really do love you. But that doesn't mean I love fantasy football. I don't, even when I try to pretend otherwise.

Yours,
Me

The Aftermath of the Aftermath

Dear Barney,

I read so much and so often that too little of what I read really sticks with me. But, I remember a passage from The Kite Runner vividly. The narrator's mother had died in childbirth, I believe. Either that, or when he was too little to remember her. As a teen, he meets a man who knew his mother well, and he tells the boy that his mother had a premonition that her life was nearing it's end. She said that she had been gifted with this perfect happiness that could not be maintained in this imperfect and fallen world.

I guess such is my nature that I must have something to worry about. So I worry these days about losing you or the children. Even your recent day trip to a college football game left me awash in pointless worry. I find myself reaching out to touch you more often than normal these days just to assure myself that you are still here and with me. I've always known that the kind of love we share is a rare gift, but I find myself guarding it more and appreciating it more than ever. I feel like a love-struck teen again even as the mirror assures me this is not so.

My gifts to you these days have been nights off, fantasy football, and lots of home-cooked meals. What I want in return is nothing more than your constant love and presence in my life. And, maybe to get to sleep in :)

I love you,
Me.

Let Me Count the Ways

Dear Barney,

 

When I went to sleep last night on your pillow for the third night this week instead of waking you up to ask you to trade me my pillow back, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I researched recipes to come up with two different unique and home-cooked dinners for you this week, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I did all of the dishes, emptied the dishwasher yet again, and did the laundry, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I went outside to look at the snake that you killed rather than staying as far away from it as possible like I wanted to, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I gave the kids a bath while feeding the baby and got all three into bed while you were working downstairs, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I watched a movie with you rather than finishing my grading or reading my book, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I over-react, when I acquiesce with less-than-a-willing heart, when I allow a poor attitude or tired spirit to creep into my engagements with you, please know that my actions and words are not an indication of a lack of love or a lessening of my intense feelings for you.  I know that it is unfair of me to want you to only listen to the messages that I send out through my positive actions rather than my negative ones, but please know that no matter how cranky I might get, no matter how frustrated, angry, upset, or even indifferent I might seem, you are my best friend and my great love.  I wish I could exterminate completely the negative behaviors that might dampen the messages that I try to communicate with my positive and good actions.  Since that will probably never happen, I just wanted to let you know that my heart is in the right place, that is, in your safekeeping.

 

I love you,

me.

I Do, I Do, To You and You and You

Dear Barney,

 

This past week saw me in two different doctor's offices to be evaluated for two different issues, both of which had the possibility of revealing an outcome of cancer.  By the grace of God, I was cleared in both instances--one was benign cysts and the other a false positive result on a previous test.  The night after I found out the good news, we were cooking dinner together for some friends, and you were stressed out about having enough food.  Finally, you kept asking me why I wasn't stressed out, and I just looked at you and said, "There's enough food.  This isn't something to stress out over--I know we will have plenty." (which we did of course!).  I took the same attitude as we planned for our eldest son's fourth birthday party this week (which of course is so unlike me).  Your response back to me was that you are glad that those issues arose and that I had to face the possibility of having cancer because it changed my perspective on what matters and what does not.  Upon much reflection, I could not agree more.  In reality, my life has not changed at all.  I don't have cancer now, but I didn't have it before either.  However, I had to come to terms with the idea that I could have it, which made me reflect on my mortality in a much more concrete fashion that I am accustomed to doing.  It's not like I wasn't aware before that I will someday die, but that day has always seemed pretty remote and something easy to set aside and ignore for the time being.  During the couple of weeks from the time that I was asked to make the appointments to the time that I actually went in, that "someday" became so much more tangible to me.  I don't recommend spending all of your time thinking about death, but as cliched as this is, those weeks really did give me a far more concrete appreciation of my life and the blessings that I have been given--especially you and the children.  Mostly, it is so much more real to me that the time that we have together is absolutely finite.  There are only so many days in which I can do better or can make the time to have quality experiences with you all.  When one becomes aware of how much each moment counts, it has a mobilizing effect on avoiding procrastination and on finding opportunities to turn the mundane into the special. 

 

Regardless of whether or not this new(ish) outlook had a strong impact on our week, I had a great week with you this week.  We put together two new bookshelves and a wine rack, we put up new lights, and we had our sidewalk and swingsets put in.  We also watched two movies together, planned and executed a birthday and a birthday party, and managed to almost completely avoid tense moments throughout the entirely insane week.

 

In church today, as I looked around at all of the other couples sitting around us, I was struck by how grateful I am to be the partner that you chose.  If nothing else could convince people of the existence of God, anyone who is as lucky as I am to have a soulmate with whom they spend their lives should have no doubt that there exists a loving God who only wants the best for His people.  It's just too amazing to be coincidence.  And it's definitely not an accident.

 

You.  Me.  --that's fate, destiny, and one amazing blessing.

 

I love you so much.

 

--me.

Happy Anniversary!

Dear Barney,

 

I have been wanting to write you all week long this week, but the baby's new schedule of getting up at 6:00am is limiting my time a bit more than I would like.  First of all, happy anniversary!!  I can't believe that we have been married for eight years, and I really can't believe that from this point forward, we will have logged less time as a married couple without kids than time as a married couple with kids.  Our big boy is going to be four this week, can you believe it??  My heart just swells each time I see you playing these games with him that are so much more grown up than what he could do even a few short months ago.

 

This week was a really great week for us I thought.  Our actual anniversary day was kind of a comedy of errors from the canceled babysitter and thus canceled plans to the charred and inedible mushrooms and the terrible choice of movie that we picked.  For much of my life, I would have been really upset by these things, feeling that the day was ruined.  But, this year, I wasn't actually upset at all; instead, I felt very close to you and was just happy to be with you and to have our eight years to celebrate at all.

 

Then, we kind of got a second chance at our evening tonight since our oldest kids are at my parent's house for the night.  I loved our nap together this afternoon.  Since you almost never nap, and since one of us pretty much always has to be on kid duty during daylight hours, we so rarely nap together as to have it be nonexistent in our life.  I loved those stolen couple of hours.  Then, we finally got the bookshelf built, had a delicious dinner, and watched a much better movie.  

 

To top it off, we got to share those stolen minutes in the brief rainstorm that blew through, giving our baby his first experience with rain.  I loved sitting on our porch together smelling the rain and watching the Earth hungrily devour the so desperately needed precipitation.  We get so wrapped up in our own lives that we can forget just how much we rely on nature and God's providence in our lives.  The rain was such a vivid reminder of that tonight, and it made me feel so close to you to know that whatever is thrown at us will be faced by us as a united front.

 

I love you so much.

 

--me.

We Survived and Made it to the Other Side!!

Dear Barney,

I feel like our trip to the lake with your family was ultimately a big success, even if seven days was a tinge too long for the kids.  I know that the lack of sleep made all of us cranky at times, and I know that there was a night when I felt like you and I had basically not had any quality time together for the whole week.  After our brief flare up though, two things happened that really altered my view.  The first is going to sound very strange.  Even though we had been there for several days, I used the downstairs restroom for the first time on our trip, and I had a vivid flashback to one of the worst days of our marriage, for me.  I remember on our other trip to that house, several years ago, sitting in that bathroom and sobbing as quietly as I could.  There were several things going on: 1. I already had a premonition that the pregnancy we had just announced would not ultimately be successful, and I was scared about that.  But, I was also so convinced at that point in our marriage that if you were asked or forced to choose between me and your other family that you would walk away from me without question.  In reality, what I meant by that thought was that you saw your parents and siblings as your real family while I was not nearly as important to you or as loved by you.  On that vacation, you spent all of your time with your brothers leaving me to try to figure out a place with the girls, and I did not feel like I fit in with your family.

Remembering that moment while sitting in the same place where it occurred the first time five years ago while feeling some of the same types of things made me realize something very important.  Namely, it is very clear that you see me and the children as your family just as much as anyone else in your family, and it is very clear that we are a huge priority in your life.  You did a great job of helping with the childcare responsibilities throughout the entire week.  While we didn't really have any alone time, I also never felt like you didn't want me around or that you were oblivious to my presence, which is how I sometimes felt in the past.  In addition, when I broached my frustrations with you five years ago, you didn't really listen or understand how I felt at all.  This week though, after that one short conversation, you did such an amazing job of going out of your way to seek me out a couple of times a day to check in with me and to try to help out during times when I needed a break or to get some work done.  You not only listened to what I said, but you made a big effort to try to make things better for me.  I want you to know that I noticed and am very appreciative.  It is just one more reason why I am so glad that you are mine.

I also worked hard this week to make sure that you had plenty of time with your family, that you got as much sleep as possible, and that you got to participate in the activities that were most interesting and fun for you.  In comparing our two trips to that particular house with your family, I believe that I have made huge gains in my abilities to interact with your family as well as in my feeling of truly belonging to the family.  I am so glad to feel like I truly belong and can be myself with your family.  And, I am so grateful that we both have such wonderful families for our children to be able to grow up with.

I love you.

--me.

It's Getting Better All The Time

Dear Barney,

Today was such a good day. It was a good day for the easy routine of it all. We got up, got the kids ready, breakfasted, and then the nanny came and work began. There were errands this afternoon and our Monday night supper club. The kids had a good day and seemed to enjoy the utter normality of it as much as we did.

The best part though was the feeling of being life partners together and not just survivors trying to make it through the day, forced to rely on one another. I noticed that we regularly drifted into the room where the other person was for a quick check-in, hello, or just moment of affection. It's nice to both be wanting that affection and sharing it again. During the first several weeks with the little man, our marriage was almost put on hold. I'm so glad to know for sure that it was just in hibernation and not in a permanent state of alteration.

I missed you. I missed us. I'm looking forward to getting reacquainted again.

I love you :)

--me.

Thank You

Dear Barney,

You were amazing today. Though you went to bed fairly early, you fed the little man at three something and still got up before six so that we could get to Dallas for your business meeting at 8:00. I know you were exhausted all day, but you were never cranky or mean, despite the ongoing fussiness of our children. You even made me dinner and let me sneak in a quick catnap to make up for my own lack of sleep.

Days like today really remind me of how lucky I am to have you for my husband and make me really want to step up my own game. I'm going to start by taking the entire night shift tonight and not just the half of it I usually do :)

I love you so much

--me

Few Posts, No Less Dedication

Dear Barney,

Though you don't know about this project or this blog, I wanted to write you to tell you that my lack of writing is not correlated to giving up on my goal of being a better wife and helpmate to you this year.  If anything, I think about this project much more often now that we are busy with three kids including our newborn son.

Each day comes with new obstacles that we must overcome in terms of being able to meet our work goals and having any personal time leftover after caring for our children, so each day I think in terms of offering assistance to you in those ways.  Some days, like yesterday, I get up early even though I also took the late shift in order to allow you the luxury of sleep.  While I know that this is always a great and appreciated gift, I have to be careful because I also understand that my general crankiness after a short night's sleep is not so appreciated, and rightly so.  Today, you watched the women's World Cup soccer game without dealing with children or any other distractions.  You also got to use both my computer and yours, which meant that I could not get any work done during the precious nap hour.  Then, after the bitter disappointment of the loss, I watched all the kids so you could go mow and have some alone time. 

Of course, I know that this means that tomorrow you will have to do more than your share of watching the kids so that I can try to work, especially since the nanny is off this week.  One thing about having three kids is that we rarely get to take time for ourselves without having to give it back later on for the other person to be able to catch up.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with that.  You give and get and so do I.  It only makes our partnership stronger.  I am not sure when we will be able to consistently have time together, but my goal is to somehow get enough work done during the day this week that one of the days we can watch the new movie we just got in together--just the two of us.

I do think that things have vastly improved since our talk last week, and I want to thank you for your ongoing dedication to making the changes that we discussed.  I have seen a clear and consistent shift in your behavior over the past week.  I hope you can say the same for me :)

I love you.

always,
--me.