It's been almost a month since I last wrote you, and it so clearly shows in our marriage. I'm full of excuses, from the somewhat good--three kids! Starting my EdD! Soccer, supper club, small group, birthday parties! to the rather lame--Words with Friends! My books! Fall TV!
I feel myself falling back into the pattern of getting easily snappish with you, carelessly allowing a harmful tone to creep into our conversation, even when my intention or actual feelings are much calmer than what I voice.
Today I had the privilege of helping my sister-in-law to register, and while fun, it was a tiring day on the heels of an extremely exhausting weekend. When I got home, I was worn out, overwhelmed at what all I needed to accomplish still today, and was feeling physically sick because I was engorged. So, when you came and opened the car door for me, I greeted you with a diatribe on the state of our car's tires rather than with the sweet welcome you had probably envisioned. By the time I made it in the door, I realized how inappropriate my attitude and way of handling that conversation had been.
But the worst part was that I knew how empty the apology would sound since I seem to be making the same apology and promise to be more careful with my attitude at least once every three or four days now.
This time, I not only mean it but plan to hold myself accountable by deliberately writing to you and assessing things at least once a week and preferably twice a week. When I'm putting honesty to paper about our marriage and myself as a wife, I find I'm a much better wife. So my goal for the rest of 2011 is to do just that.
I love you always, and I'm sorry, again.
--me.
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