It's Getting Better All The Time

Dear Barney,

Today was such a good day. It was a good day for the easy routine of it all. We got up, got the kids ready, breakfasted, and then the nanny came and work began. There were errands this afternoon and our Monday night supper club. The kids had a good day and seemed to enjoy the utter normality of it as much as we did.

The best part though was the feeling of being life partners together and not just survivors trying to make it through the day, forced to rely on one another. I noticed that we regularly drifted into the room where the other person was for a quick check-in, hello, or just moment of affection. It's nice to both be wanting that affection and sharing it again. During the first several weeks with the little man, our marriage was almost put on hold. I'm so glad to know for sure that it was just in hibernation and not in a permanent state of alteration.

I missed you. I missed us. I'm looking forward to getting reacquainted again.

I love you :)

--me.

Thank You

Dear Barney,

You were amazing today. Though you went to bed fairly early, you fed the little man at three something and still got up before six so that we could get to Dallas for your business meeting at 8:00. I know you were exhausted all day, but you were never cranky or mean, despite the ongoing fussiness of our children. You even made me dinner and let me sneak in a quick catnap to make up for my own lack of sleep.

Days like today really remind me of how lucky I am to have you for my husband and make me really want to step up my own game. I'm going to start by taking the entire night shift tonight and not just the half of it I usually do :)

I love you so much

--me

Few Posts, No Less Dedication

Dear Barney,

Though you don't know about this project or this blog, I wanted to write you to tell you that my lack of writing is not correlated to giving up on my goal of being a better wife and helpmate to you this year.  If anything, I think about this project much more often now that we are busy with three kids including our newborn son.

Each day comes with new obstacles that we must overcome in terms of being able to meet our work goals and having any personal time leftover after caring for our children, so each day I think in terms of offering assistance to you in those ways.  Some days, like yesterday, I get up early even though I also took the late shift in order to allow you the luxury of sleep.  While I know that this is always a great and appreciated gift, I have to be careful because I also understand that my general crankiness after a short night's sleep is not so appreciated, and rightly so.  Today, you watched the women's World Cup soccer game without dealing with children or any other distractions.  You also got to use both my computer and yours, which meant that I could not get any work done during the precious nap hour.  Then, after the bitter disappointment of the loss, I watched all the kids so you could go mow and have some alone time. 

Of course, I know that this means that tomorrow you will have to do more than your share of watching the kids so that I can try to work, especially since the nanny is off this week.  One thing about having three kids is that we rarely get to take time for ourselves without having to give it back later on for the other person to be able to catch up.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with that.  You give and get and so do I.  It only makes our partnership stronger.  I am not sure when we will be able to consistently have time together, but my goal is to somehow get enough work done during the day this week that one of the days we can watch the new movie we just got in together--just the two of us.

I do think that things have vastly improved since our talk last week, and I want to thank you for your ongoing dedication to making the changes that we discussed.  I have seen a clear and consistent shift in your behavior over the past week.  I hope you can say the same for me :)

I love you.

always,
--me.

Trying, Always Trying

Today was a rough day. It seems like every day where I let you sleep in turns out to be rough, though I wasn't particularly tired today, and you were more grouchy than normal--at least that's how it seemed to me.

The gesture that our sweet friend made yesterday to come watch the older kids so we could have a date fell flat. I know you said it was because you are stressed about the projects you are working on to grow your business, and I understand, but I was still disappointed I have to admit.

The good thing that came from it is that I feel like we had our most honest talk about our relationship in months. I may have spent more time today in tears than either of us would have liked, but I feel like something opened back up between us that has been missing for a while.

You probably don't believe me that I listened and took to heart when you told me that I am not open to constructive criticism. I am going to work on that. I will also work on trying not to feel like you are being sarcastic or mean if you say something nice but to take it at face value.

I hope you will try to work on being more proactive about checking in with me before disappearing to work on the yard for hours and on trying to make more of am effort to spend quality time with me.

I know you are not a fan of these kinds of hard relationship conversations. Thanks for taking it seriously tonight. I only ever do it so that we can continue to have a strong marriage and bond. I don't want to let this slip away out of negligence or because we simply stopped paying attention. I love you too much for that.

Missing You

Dear Barney,

We've had quite the year, you and I. It has been a massive year of change and adjustments, most of them really amazing like the birth of our son and the purchase of our new house.

But, I feel like all of this change had lead to significantly less time for the two of us, especially in the last couple of months. I can't remember our last date, and I know we haven't even sat down and watched TV together since I gave birth. We don't even work in the same room anymore, and since we even work after the kids are in bed, I feel like I never see you anymore.

I know that this is a passing stage, but it still sucks. I miss my best friend, life partner, and soul mate. I hope you miss me too. Can't wait until we can be together again.

I love you.

My Mistake

So, I made kind of a big mistake today/last night.  I knew that I was totally worn out from all of the events that we have had going on for the past few weeks, and I was kind of upset when Barney went to bed at 10:00, leaving me to take care of Jefferson by myself and to finish up my work without any extra help from him.  I got it all done though, and then I got to bed about 12:30.  Then, I woke up at 4:30 ready to feed, but strangely, Jefferson was not awake.  I couldn't decide whether or not to wake him up or let him sleep, but I knew that I needed to get some milk out, so I decided to pump.  After pumping, Jefferson still wasn't awake, but I decided he needed to eat at this point.  Normally, I would wake Barney up and let him give the bottle while I tried to get more sleep, but I figured that he was probably as exhausted as I was, so I let him sleep and did the feeding myself.

I woke up again at 8:00, though none of the kids were awake.  I knew I had to get up because we had an appt in town with our church at 9:30, so I got up and got dressed and then got Barney up.  We got the kids dressed and got everything ready to go to our appointment, but once we got in the car, I came to quickly realize that I was extremely upset with Barney for three reasons: 1. he didn't even notice that I let him sleep, and it had felt like a huge sacrifice to me, so for him not to be grateful really hurt my feelings.  2. I felt like he was being really short with me, which seemed very unfair considering how much I am constantly doing and the fact that he was well-rested while I am not.  3.  I was very tired and probably am easily hurt right now.

I haven't been able to shake my feeling of being upset all day long, and it has resulted in more than one crying jag today.  He doesn't understand why I am upset, and it makes him alternately baffled and angry at me.  He is already asleep while I have a good while to go yet again.  I know that this time of sleeplessness always falls more to the mother, and I know that it is not forever.  But, right now, it is not doing anything for my marriage or for me as a person.  I am going to work on being less resentful and on trying to do a better job of realizing that it is not really Barney's fault that the workload is not and perhaps cannot be split 50/50 at this point in our lives.