Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Days 167-169: Still Here

I am now officially 15 minutes into my due date and am still pregnant.  Intellectually, this is not surprising news, but emotionally, it's a little disappointing.  We are well past the days of making plans in advance, but we are working hard to keep busy.  In addition to house projects, we have been spending time with friends, and today my mom came into town for a spur-of-the-moment shopping trip, which was awesome.

As for Barney and I, things have been going very well.  I feel like we have been able to connect more over the last couple of weeks than we have in a good while, and I have started to feel much more in the spirit of this project than those crazy weeks just after we moved in and everything was about dealing with the house issues.

As I mentioned in my last post, Barney is expecting his new lawn mower to arrive on Thursday, and he got to seed the backyard today now that our sprinkler system is officially in and installed.  So, I wasn't looking to buy him anything on our shopping trip today, considering how much money we've spent on those two items.  But, the Groupon for today was a paintball experience that was 64% off, and he has been wanting to play paintball for years.  I couldn't resist.  I bought it for him and forwarded it to him with a note that simply said "I love you," and when he discovered it, he was completely thrilled.  I also bought him a six pack of a beer he has been wanting to try but hasn't seen in a store.  All told, I spent less than $25 on him today, but his excitement over his surprises was really fun.  I can't help but hope that my next surprise for him is going to be spontaneous and natural progression into labor.  My fingers are crossed, but I'm not holding my breath.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Days 165-166: Family Time

Today was a concerted effort on my part to make things fun for my family, specifically for Barney.  We got to sleep in, thanks to a late night last night with friends over.  Then, once we woke up, we headed into town for Saturday morning donut day (a long-standing tradition at our house).  We then took the kids to the downtown library, which George had been asking to do for some time.  Then, we headed to the botanic gardens to feed turtles and have a picnic.  All of those activities were more aimed at the children than at Barney, though of course he enjoyed himself too.

But then, we headed to Lowes to get Barney a riding lawn mower, which is his Father's Day, Anniversary, and possibly even Christmas present all rolled into one.  He is over-the-moon about it, which is funny, but true.  Then, we came straight home so that he could watch a big soccer game, and I retreated into our room to work and nap, leaving him just to get to enjoy the game.  Tonight, we have a babysitter and are going with other friends on a date night to a nice steakhouse downtown and to play games at our house later on after that.

I became aware just how much I have to appreciate about Barney when my friend who visited last night told me that her husband has not fed or gotten up with their five month old daughter in over four months, not even giving her one day to sleep in or one break from what is apparently a brutal feeding schedule (the baby is bottle fed for every meal, so that is not the issue).  Barney feels that things are somewhat different for that family because the husband is the only breadwinner in the family, and I get that, but for me, there is still something about parenting that requires more of a cooperative effort.  I am so grateful to have a husband who is a natural father who enjoys activities like this morning with the kids, is willing to feed, dress, bathe, discipline, and otherwise take care of our kids in whatever way is required, and not just the Saturday morning dad who plays with the kids from time to time but isn't overly invested in the day-to-day grind of parenting.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Days 163-164: Nesting Syndrome

I think Barney has fully cottoned onto my strong nesting instinct that has taken over my life.  He sweetly spent most of today working on finishing painting our baseboards so that we can put our furniture back into place and take the tape off of our walls.  I know it wasn't a fun project for him, but he would not let me help out at all for fear that the paint fumes could possibly harm the baby.  He had a great spirit about the project, and I really appreciate his hard work.

We are slowing rapidly on our home improvement projects, though there are still a few in the works, and the slowdown has lent itself to a strong sense of interminable days as we await the birth of Jefferson.  Once you reach this stage in pregnancy, everything seems to take forever anyway, and we are definitely there.  The house is as ready as we can get it, the baby gear is out, cleaned, and positioned for use.  The car seat is by the door.  All I need to do is to pack our bags and, of course, actually go into labor.

Today I spent much of the day in the kitchen, culminating in fixing Barney one of his very favorite meals and then going for a walk with him and the kids tonight.  Once Jefferson arrives, my ability to really focus on Barney will likely be curtailed for a while, so I am trying to find ways now to really show him how much I appreciate him and love him.  I fixed him breakfast this morning so that it was ready as soon as he got up, and we went out to lunch just the two of us yesterday.  I also encouraged him to buy a new gadget that he really loves and I know that he really wanted.  Then, on Saturday, he wants to watch a big soccer game, so I am going to make sure that the kids and I are out of his hair and that he gets to fully enjoy the big game.

We also have good friends coming over for dinner tomorrow and a date night with new friends scheduled for Saturday.  If I could figure out a way to take him to see a movie I will try to do that as well before the little guy gets here. . . . but if he wants to go ahead and make his appearance now, well, I could probably sacrifice the movie at this point for a chance to get my body back to myself :)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Days 161-162: Gender in Our Lives

I have been thinking a lot about gender of late, in part because of the new baby boy coming to take his place in our family soon, and in part because Marshall and his wife found out today that they are having a baby girl, which I find to be very exciting news :)

Then, tonight, I came across an article about a family that has decided not to reveal the gender of their child to anyone until the child is old enough to make a decision about what gender he/she most identifies with and is able to tell people for him/herself what the gender is.  The baby is named Storm and not even the grandparents know if it is a boy or a girl, even though the baby is several months old.

The parents are making the argument that as parents we force too much on our children, and children should be allowed to come to these decisions naturally, but the article made me think more about how our gender affects us than about parenting techniques.

I think that one of the core elements required for a successful marriage is the successful navigation of gender-related differences between the husband and the wife.  The longer we are married, the better I get at this, but we both tend to ignore some issues related to gender and to exaggerate other issues.

When you get right down to it, while you can clearly identify some of our characteristics as being at least gender-driven if not entirely as a result of our gender, other things are less clear.  Do my daughter and I love shoes because we are girls, or is it just a part of our personality?  Does Barney enjoy yard work so much because he is a guy or is that just a part of his personality?

Those questions probably cannot be reliably answered and would receive a variety of answers if discussed with sociologists or psychologists.  The more relevant question then is how can we best navigate our differences that put us on opposing sides of the gender spectrum in a way that is healthiest to our marriage?  One thing I know is that we first recognize our gender differences and then learn to appreciate the different strengths that this brings to our marriage instead of focusing on the negative aspects that drive each other crazy.

My goal here is to learn to appreciate those areas in which Barney's masculinity and maleness serves to enhance my life, such as his willingness to kill snakes and bugs, tackle home improvement projects, teach the kids to play sports, and take out the trashes rather than focusing on the other areas of what I consider to be his "boyness" that I find to be somewhat less appealing and thus easier to focus on.  I also want to get better at encouraging his interests outside our of mutual interests that are more masculine in nature and thus less appealing to me. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Day 160: Our Church, Our Faith

If I am being honest, I would have to say that there is a chance we would have skipped church today had we not had plans to eat lunch with friends afterwards.  The kids were still sleeping when we had to get up in time to get to church, and it was very tempting just to keep sleeping ourselves.  But, we dragged ourselves out of bed and got the kids up and ready as well.  Ironically, right before we left, our friends called and cancelled. 

We headed into town anyway only to discover that the interstate was completely closed, forcing us on a 15 minute detour that made us late for church, which was also disgruntling.  But, once we were there, I was so glad to be there.  We haven't been to our church in the last two weeks, though we have been at church.  I missed the worship, and I really enjoyed getting to worship with Barney.  We had a good conversation afterwards about  our church, style of worship, and a bit on the sermon as well.

Barney is a very private person when it comes to worship.  He has never enjoyed sharing in small groups or Sunday Schools, and he has never really found a comfortable way to share his worship or study experiences with me either.  We have had long conversations about this in the past, and lately much of it has centered on making sure that he is sharing his faith with the children.  While he has gotten much better at that aspect of it, he does not do as well with me.  If I initiate a conversation about something faith-based, he will talk to me, but only to a point.  And, he never but never initiates that type of conversation himself.  I know that one of the best ways to strengthen our marriage would be to embark upon some kind of shared worship experience like a couple's Bible study, a devotional, or even a regular couple's prayer time (we pray together as a family at every meal and before the kids go to bed, but we don't have a designated or set prayer time for just the two of us).

I don't know how to initiate it in a way that Barney would feel comfortable with or that would happen in any way other than me forcing it on him, which I know would not be a healthy situation.  Our marriage is lacking in this area, and I don't know how to fix it.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Days 157-159: Boy Time and Me Time

We have reached that point in pregnancy where we are making few plans because of the chance, however slim, that the baby comes early.  But, I still have some things on my to-do list, such as a haircut, a pedicure, and some me time.

So, I made an appointment to get my haircut yesterday and built in time for a little bit of shopping beforehand.  While there are many advantages to working from home as a couple, alone time is something that is very rare and very precious these days.  So, for me to get two hours to shop, eat lunch, and read my book by myself was amazing.

In the meantime, Barney had his brother and two brothers-in-laws coming into town for a guy's night last night.  When I got done with my haircut, I picked up the kids and headed to my parent's house, leaving the four guys to their own devices at our house.  I am not sure what all transpired, but I know that as much as I needed a lunch to myself with just a book, Barney needed some all testosterone, manly time for himself.

Then, this morning, they played in a golf tournament at my parents' course.  My mom told me she was taking the kids to the course for the morning under her care, leaving me with an unexpected second gift of time to myself in the morning.  I had planned to spend it working but instead fell immediately asleep and slept for over two and a half hours.  It was amazing.

Barney got very little sleep in the last twenty four hours and played very hard during his waking hours.  I came home to a house that had been well-lived in by four boys without any female supervision (read: rather messy and not at all like I left it).  Despite both of those possible setbacks, both of us are refreshed and in a really good frame of mind.  Sometimes the best thing that we can do for our marriage is to spend a little time apart, and this time was an example of some of our most-needed recharge. 

I don't really think it's absence makes the heart grows fonder as much in our case as much as it is a recognition that no matter how great a marriage, not every need will ever be met by one relationship, and tending to those other needs from time to time is an extremely important component to keeping that relationship in good working order.  Our weekend was just what the doctor ordered :)

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Days 154-156: Armchair Musings

I title this armchair musings because I have hit that inevitable stage in late pregnancy where the only thing that I really feel is so, so done with being pregnant.  I am the opposite of what I have been for the last few months--I have no energy, drive, motivation, or even brain power really.  I can't focus for long on anything, and I am accomplishing a tiny percentile of what I have become accustomed to fitting into each day.  The one thing that I have managed to do is to finally finish Bush's memoir, which I first started in New Orleans.

As I read the last pages tonight, I was struck again by how impressed I continue to be by Laura Bush.  What I am going to say next would probably get me booed on many a stage, especially by many women, but I believe that there are some characteristics that are inherent to both genders, meaning that there are some areas in which women in general are better at than men and vice versa.  One area that I believe tends to be more of a strength for women is serving in a supporting/supportive role to a spouse.  While I believe that Laura Bush is very much an independent woman, and it is well known that she holds firm to some beliefs that are not consistent with what her husband believes, as far as I can tell she never as First Lady sought to put herself before her husband or to promote herself in her own right.  Instead, she appears to have put much of her time and energy throughout all eight years into finding the best possible ways to support her husband as he worked to excel in what has to be one of the absolute toughest jobs in the world.

To Bush's credit, one thing that I think he does better than most men is to both acknowledge and appreciate how much his wife's actions helped him throughout his career.  My father-in-law shares that characteristic with Bush.  Both men have wives who have devoted their lives to their husbands and their husband's careers, and both men seem to really understand the valuable impact that their wives have on their lives and to regularly show their appreciation of their wives.  I think that one reason so many women have shied away from wanting to serve as a support system is simply because they never received any credit or acknowledgement outside of occasional lip service for the hard work and the impact that their actions had on their husbands and their husbands' careers.

As I said before, I believe that the role of supporter, while not only Biblically designated as the wife's role, is also something that comes more naturally to women than it does to men.  It is hard for me to picture a man excelling in the role of First Husband or First Spouse or whatever the title would be.  Most marriages I can think of where the woman is the dominant person in the marriage are unhappy marriages.  Unfortunately for me, being the supporter is not something that comes very naturally.  I have to work at it, and while I believe I am improving, it is not second nature for me by any means.  I grew up believing that it was my destiny and right to be a completely equal partner in marriage, and it didn't occur to me until long after our wedding vows that one can be equal and take on the role of supporter at the same time.

I don't want to wear the pants in the family, and honestly, I don't think that I really do anymore.  But, the house dress and heels still feel entirely alien to me as well.  Barney and I make our living in unconventional ways, and we are forging an unconventional partnership to match.  There are no marriages that I can think of that we want to model completely, so we are picking and choosing what seems to be the best from those marriages that we most admire and are the most successful, from our parents and grandparents, to longtime friends, and even to world leaders like the Bushes.  I hope that one day our children will reflect back on the example that we modeled and find that while not perfect, we did a good job of making our marriage, and each other, a constant priority in our lives and that they will find things in our marriages that they want to emulate in their own marriages with their future spouses.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Days 151-153: A Great Birthday Weekend

Being tired is not a new sensation for me, but the kind of tired that I feel tonight is about as tired as I ever have felt.  This weekend was really an amazing weekend for me, and I would not trade one moment of it, but I would be lying if I didn't admit just how worn out I am.

Friday was a crazy day for our house.  We had a plumber installing a water softener from about 10:00am until after 9:00pm.  We had window cleaners cleaning the inside and outside of our windows for several hours, we had two women cleaning our house in preparation for the weekend, and we had our trim guy destroying and rebuilding our rock fireplace in preparation for installing a mantle.  All of this happened on top of trying to cook for the weekend and my regular workload.

Then, Marshall and his wife got into town for the weekend, and the festivities began.  We went out to eat then came home for the first of three of our big board games.  Of course, I would go on to win.  But, the game was a long one--we called it a night at midnight in preparation for our early morning, which turned out to be much earlier than expected when our nephew woke up at 3:30 and did not calm down until almost 5:00am.

After that very short night, we were up at 6:30am for George's first t-ball game, which was freezing.  But, George had two great hits and seemed to enjoy the game for the most part.  Then, we went to breakfast with my parents (who had come up for the game) and Marshall and crew.  We tried a place a neighbor had recently recommended, and it was fantastic.  After breakfast, my parents went home and the rest of us headed to the zoo, which was a blast.  We got home from the zoo around 3:00, and all of us took a short nap.  At 4:00 we headed to a birthday party for a little boy on our street, and then from there we went to dinner with some other friends and Marshall, his wife, and son.  Then, it was back to our house for the completion of our first game and two subsequent games.  In a landmark occurrence, I won all three games of the weekend.  After the games, I started my work for the day and got to bed around 2:30. 

Back up at 7:30, I made bacon and brie quiche and yogurt parfaits for brunch for the crew while we all worked on getting things ready for the party, from cleaning up the house, to decorating, to food prep.  Barney surprised me with a giant mural of pictures of me from birth to now.  It was a great walk down memory lane.  Barney's family started trickling in around 1:00, and everyone was here by 3:00.  The party was amazing, and everyone stayed until about 7:30.  A couple of the women really stepped up and helped out with cleaning which was amazing too.  Barney also coordinated a recipe book for me where each family contributed at least one recipe along with a Bible verse and/or word of encouragement.  I was extremely touched by the work that both Barney and my family put into this project.  It is something I will always treasure.

Barney and I put the kids down pretty much right away, and then we cleaned until 9:00.  I am now taking a quick break from work but am close to being incapable of getting anything else done. 

I realize that this post was more of a catalogue of our weekend rather than a discussion on my ongoing attempts to improve at being a wife.  I post it despite that knowledge because I want it as a record of this amazing weekend and how special and loved I felt all throughout it.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Days 149 & 150 -- What I Was Trying to Say

Dear Barney,
Our fight last night was as much the result of my inability to express what I was really feeling as the result of any actions that occurred.  When I sat on the couch next to you for that hour without talking and you assumed that I was planning other ways to attack or criticize you, I was actually just trying to figure out how to put into words exactly what I was feeling and why.  Even now, more than 24 hours later, I haven’t figured out a concise way to tell you how I feel.   It seems that I may never get it exactly right for speech, so I thought I would try a letter.
As you know, before we met, I had a steady stream of boyfriends in my life, but in each of those relationships, without exception, there were really three people involved: the boyfriend, myself, and the backup boyfriend.  Each time, I knew somewhere deep inside that the boyfriend and I were not meant to be, and each time, I would somehow become involved with another guy who I knew was interested in me (these were not romantic involvements).  The backup was always someone who liked me far more than I would ever be able to like him back, and they were not guys I was actually interested in dating.  But, I knew that if the current BF and I broke up, there would be at least one person I could date.  Looking back, this very negative pattern shows a lot about my insecurities and fears.  It is not something I am proud of or admit to lightly.
Then, I met you, and I made a conscious choice not to have close friendships with any other male outside of our family.  Since that time, I have never become close friends with a guy, and I have never found myself becoming interested in another man or thinking that if things were different in my life I could be interested in any particular guy.  I have known since before we married that the void you filled in my life could never be adequately filled by any other person, and should I lose you today, I know that I would never experience the same depth of feeling for any other person who might come along.  I am not blind to your shortcomings, and I am certainly not immune from becoming annoyed, frustrated, and angry at you.  But, you are my soul mate and the love of my life.  Our relationship is priceless to me.
I don’t want you to think that I fear or believe that you would leave me for another woman, because I don’t believe that.  Even taking our love out of the equation, you are too good of a father to raise your children in a broken home, and you are too loyal of a son, and I know it goes against all of your religious beliefs.  But, while I am secure in knowing that you are mine for as long as we both shall live, last night I was vividly reminded that I want you to stay not just because you are a good man who sticks with his obligations, but I want you to want me in the same way that I want and need you. 
I know that our love is strong, but I also know that it would be possible for me to squander it to the point that the idea of another woman could begin to feel appealing to you.  I want to be the kind of wife to you who fulfills all of your needs and holds your love of her own accord and not just as part of the family unit.  I didn’t do a very good job of that last night, and while I am not justifying the fight I picked, I am sincere in saying that it was out of a gut reaction of the fear that you might one day find it easier to imagine loving someone else than loving me.  My apology is not for what I was feeling but for how I reacted, and my promise is to spend less time reacting and more time working on being the woman of your dreams.
I love you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Days 147 & 148 -- Teamwork

This weekend marks the last of our big events before the BIG event (ie the upcoming birth).  This weekend, we are hosting a birthday party for my big 3-0.  I was decidedly against this party, which Barney has been pushing on me for literally months.  I kept thinking he would give into my logic, but for some reason, he was very insistent on getting to host some kind of shindig to commemorate the big occasion.  I have never seen him so persistent on a topic, so I finally gave in, but I only agreed to have family.  So, we are expecting about 20 people in all to come over on Sunday for burgers, brats, and hot dogs.  While all of my family has seen the house before, this will be the first time that anyone from Barney's side of the family (outside of Marshall) has seen the house.  (And speaking of Marshall, he and his family are spending the whole weekend here in order to get some quality brother time in, seeing as how Marshall is moving several states away in just a couple of months).

So, we are trying to get all of the house stuff done that we possibly can in preparation for this party.  We have been unpacked for a while, and our house has been mostly in order.  But, there are lots of little projects that we have set to tackle this week, like hanging pictures, cleaning out the garage, putting together some new outdoor chairs, etc.  It has been a time of great teamwork, and we are both getting to see our pet projects being taken care of.  Barney has a brand new lawn mower and weed eater, and he has been very excited to put both to good use over the last couple of days.  I have been working on as much indoor stuff as possible, and we are collaborating well on the projects that require both of our participation.

The house still has a few bigger projects that we are dealing with either due to needing our builder to finish up his end of the bargain or due to the flood (and in one case, due to a case of horrible customer service from a rather reputable store), but overall, things are starting to come together, and we are now taking several steps forward for each step back.  The house won't be perfectly finished before the little guy gets here, but it's going to be close.  Things don't feel so hectic anymore, and I think that both Barney and I are feeling the relief of it.  In fact, right now it feels like taking care of a newborn (even with two other little ones) will be a piece of cake compared to everything we've been having to deal with.

After baseball practice tonight, we swung by our old house to pick up some mail, and it was a very surreal experience.  It seems like a lifetime ago that we were living there and dealing with the stresses of trying to sell the house, house showings, and then packing up the house.  It has literally been less than six weeks but it feels like a whole different era in our lives.  We are so glad that we moved.  We really do love our house; we love our neighbors, and we love the area.  Despite everything, our home feels like home.  It's where we belong, and we are finally starting to get to enjoy that feeling as a family.  It might have been a rough six weeks, but it feels like the whole experience has ultimately drawn Barney and I closer together, though there were certainly moments during the last six weeks where I felt the opposite was true.  Now though, it feels like we have gotten in and used our own hands, hard work, and sweat to create a space where we can really grow together as a family.  Maybe it feels like home because we worked so hard to get there.  If it had been easy, the pride of ownership that we take now would have been diminished.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Days 144-146: More of the Same

I think that I have done a better job of late of taking the time to anticipate and care for Barney's needs/wishes in the last few days.  I am not sure that I could ever claim perfection in this area of course, but I am doing better than I have in a while.  For example, yesterday we went to a big festival with some new friends where we walked around with the kids in the Texas heat and participated in kid-friendly activities for several hours.  It was not a strenuous day per se, but I am getting to that point in pregnancy where I tire pretty easily again, and between the several hours of walking, the heat, and my pregnancy, I was totally wiped out.  I immediately crashed when we got home and put the kids down for their naps, and when I woke up, I had a long list of things that I wanted/needed to do.  But, I put them on hold because Barney was very excited to go shopping for a new lawn mower.  It took up several more hours of time, but ultimately, it seemed worth it.  Then, when we got home, I gave the kids a bath and put them to bed to allow Barney to be able to work on other activities.  Then, we watched a show together as a very rare treat before he watched soccer and I started on classes.  I was up until 2:00am working, and the kids got up at 7:00, so I never fell back asleep after that.

Today we went to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom, and so we both had a ton of stuff to do for work and to get ready for this weekend when we got home.  Barney was very tired, and he chose to watch soccer while I worked.  Instead of complaining about it, I just got as much done as I could (but not nearly enough unfortunately).  I have to admit that once the game was over, I discussed with him as nicely as possible that for the rest of the week, we probably will have to make work our first priority because we have so much to do to get ready for this party this weekend.

Hopefully the R&R time he got this weekend will ready him for the busy week that we have ahead of us, and hopefully I will continue to be able to remain equanimous rather than becoming overly stressed, which I feel coming on and am fighting as much as possible.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Days 142 & 143--Lost in Time?

The last two days have been a blur of work and to-do lists.  They weren't particularly bad or particularly good days, just particularly busy days.  We seem to be stuck in a rut of two steps forward, one step back these days, and it has started to get pretty frustrating for us both.  It doesn't help that we feel like we are just bleeding money these days either.

But, there were some good, sweet moments these last two days too.  Yesterday we went to Lowes to get some yard stuff, and they had roses on sale for $5.  So, we got three, and this afternoon we planted the roses and fixed up our front beds with the kids, which was fun (and exhausting!). 

After the yard excitement, I was totally wiped out this evening, and I let Barney know he was basically on his own for dinner.  My plan was basically to skip dinner, and I was holed up in our room working when Barney surprised me with bruschetta he made himself and spaghetti that he had re-heated the sauce and cooked the noodles.  It was totally unexpected and thus a very sweet surprise.

He continues to work on the yard, and I am just remaining as agreeable as possible so that he can get it exactly like he wants.  He seems to be working the same deal with the inside of the house stuff for me.  Even so, I feel like these last two days are those kinds of days that you basically forget even before they are over.  Nothing super significant happened, and there were no especially memorable moments.  I wonder if it is good to have those kinds of days from time to time or if I should be striving to make every day memorable for some reason for my husband and children?

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Day 141--A Very, Very Unbirthday to Me

Somehow the depression that weighed me down yesterday was much abated from the time that I woke up this morning.  It was like I had survived turning 30 and lived to see the other side, or some other such nonsense.  I could go into all kinds of theories on the psychology behind this, but the bottom line is I'm not sure why yesterday got me so down and today was not the same.  I am definitely glad though.

Barney was really sweet and got up again this morning so that I could sleep in two days in a row, something I took a little better advantage of these last two days that I have been doing.  From that point forward though we really saw very little of each other today.  I had a litany of projects to work on today, and so did he.  Then, Marshall came over for a few hours, and they worked on guy stuff together.

During the brief times when we did see each other today, I tried to reiterate to him how much I appreciated the thought he put into yesterday, and I tried to let him know how grateful I am for having such a sweet and loving husband.  I also refrained from pushing him to work on the home projects that I really wanted to work on when I realized how much work he was trying to catch up on after Marshall's unannounced (but of course very welcomed) visit.  That sounds pretty obvious, but it felt like a sacrifice of sorts to move those items from today's to-do list to tomorrow's. 

Monday, May 2, 2011

Day 140--Happy Birthday to Me

I have never been much good at my own birthday.  Historically, the problem has been that I always went into the day with these impossibly high expectations--wanting to be blown away and utterly amazed at whatever people had planned for me.  This year, that was not the case.  If I'm being honest, I spent very little time thinking about my birthday before today, in part because there has been so much else going on, and perhaps in larger part because I really don't relish the idea of being 30.  At least for me, it has an uncomfortable way of forcing me to think about my own mortality, which is not the most pleasant way to pass the time.

But, despite the lack of expectations, it still wasn't my best day or a day that I will relish in memory.  The pathetic part about this is that it was certainly not for a lack of trying on Barney's part.  I have always emphasized to him in the past that what I want most for any celebration is to know that he put effort into trying to make the day special.  In other words, it really is the thought that counts.  A well-thought out small present is worth far more to me than an expensive present bought at the last minute (especially since we share a bank account ;).

Today, there were no presents (that was what we did this weekend on our shopping trip). So, instead he focused just on making me feel special.  He made me a homemade breakfast that we shared with the kids.  Then we went into town for lunch at a restaurant he had found online and thought I would like (and it was really good food).  We hurried back to be in time for when the nanny had to leave, and then got some work done this afternoon.  For dinner, he actually hired a personal chef to come and cook us a four course meal at our house.  The menu was carefully hand-picked by Barney and is as follows: bruschetta, a salad with pears, pancetta, walnuts, and balsamic vinagrette, filet mignon and asparagus, and then pots de creme for dessert.  He also bought me birthday cake from two bakeries in town and gave me red roses.  He was incredibly sweet all day long--truly it was a very well-planned day and showed just how well he knows me and what I like.

Despite all of that, turning 30 just didn't feel fun.  It felt depressing and sad, and I also battled all day long to suppress my hopes of being given a kitten as a special birthday surprise.  It was not so much that I had to have a kitten today as much as it is that I believe that if he didn't give me one for this major milestone, chances that he is going to allow me to get one in the next year are very slim.  Today was grand gesture day, and that grand gesture was nowhere to be seen.  I know that I am not going to force him to allow me to have a cat, nor do I even plan to ask for one again.  So, today meant having to try to really let go of that hope/expectation.  It hurt, and I am sure it will continue to hurt.  However, I know that Barney is not taking this position because he doesn't love or care about me, and he worked so hard today to show just how much he does love and care about me.  Because I love and care about him just as much, I feel I owe it to him to see just what life without a cat will be like for me. 

We will soon be wrapped up again in a haze of new baby and learning to be the parents of three.  I may just find that for now, having one less dependent creature to love and take care of may not be the worst thing for me after all.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Days 138 & 139--Better Days

I know that saying this will sound bad, but it is actually true--yesterday was good for me because Barney and I spent much of the day apart, and I got to spend my day shopping with the girls for baby things.  Most marriages have a far, far greater amount of time where the spouses are apart than what we have in our marriage.  We probably average over 20 hours per day each day within the same building, if not room, as one another.  While in many ways, this makes us lucky, it has its own challenges, as I am sure most married people can easily imagine.

No matter how much you love someone, time apart from one another is a crucial part of maintaining a healthy relationship, as long as you are not spending too much time apart or spending the time apart unwisely.  When we lived in the big city, we actually had more time apart than we do now because we both would head out and run various errands here and there throughout the day.  But, here in the country, going anywhere is an ordeal, and with gas prices where they are, it is not fun just to drive for the fun of it.  So, we tend to wait until we've collected a variety of errands and then will go together, usually with the kids, and run them all at once.

None of that is bad by any means, but it can be hard to decompress from stressful or tense moments with one another if there is no time apart, and if we aren't careful, tension can really start to build.  All of that to say that it was great for me to get to go out and shop with the girls yesterday.  It made for a much more fun evening, and then that carried over to today.  We also got a lot of outside social interaction today with church, a visit from a good friend, and then dinner with new friends.  It's amazing to me how sometimes what our relationship seems to need most is interaction from people outside of our relationship.