Dear Barney,
Our fight last night was as much the result of my inability to express what I was really feeling as the result of any actions that occurred. When I sat on the couch next to you for that hour without talking and you assumed that I was planning other ways to attack or criticize you, I was actually just trying to figure out how to put into words exactly what I was feeling and why. Even now, more than 24 hours later, I haven’t figured out a concise way to tell you how I feel. It seems that I may never get it exactly right for speech, so I thought I would try a letter.
As you know, before we met, I had a steady stream of boyfriends in my life, but in each of those relationships, without exception, there were really three people involved: the boyfriend, myself, and the backup boyfriend. Each time, I knew somewhere deep inside that the boyfriend and I were not meant to be, and each time, I would somehow become involved with another guy who I knew was interested in me (these were not romantic involvements). The backup was always someone who liked me far more than I would ever be able to like him back, and they were not guys I was actually interested in dating. But, I knew that if the current BF and I broke up, there would be at least one person I could date. Looking back, this very negative pattern shows a lot about my insecurities and fears. It is not something I am proud of or admit to lightly.
Then, I met you, and I made a conscious choice not to have close friendships with any other male outside of our family. Since that time, I have never become close friends with a guy, and I have never found myself becoming interested in another man or thinking that if things were different in my life I could be interested in any particular guy. I have known since before we married that the void you filled in my life could never be adequately filled by any other person, and should I lose you today, I know that I would never experience the same depth of feeling for any other person who might come along. I am not blind to your shortcomings, and I am certainly not immune from becoming annoyed, frustrated, and angry at you. But, you are my soul mate and the love of my life. Our relationship is priceless to me.
I don’t want you to think that I fear or believe that you would leave me for another woman, because I don’t believe that. Even taking our love out of the equation, you are too good of a father to raise your children in a broken home, and you are too loyal of a son, and I know it goes against all of your religious beliefs. But, while I am secure in knowing that you are mine for as long as we both shall live, last night I was vividly reminded that I want you to stay not just because you are a good man who sticks with his obligations, but I want you to want me in the same way that I want and need you.
I know that our love is strong, but I also know that it would be possible for me to squander it to the point that the idea of another woman could begin to feel appealing to you. I want to be the kind of wife to you who fulfills all of your needs and holds your love of her own accord and not just as part of the family unit. I didn’t do a very good job of that last night, and while I am not justifying the fight I picked, I am sincere in saying that it was out of a gut reaction of the fear that you might one day find it easier to imagine loving someone else than loving me. My apology is not for what I was feeling but for how I reacted, and my promise is to spend less time reacting and more time working on being the woman of your dreams.
I love you.
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