Thursday, March 31, 2011

Day 108--So Much Progress

Today was a day of progress for sure.  We got all of our furniture moved into our house, and we learned that we will be able to close sometime between tomorrow and Tuesday.  Things are moving along quickly!  I didn't get to see much of Barney today really as he spent most of the morning at the old house loading up and then we were both busy with unloading, unpacking, and rearranging this afternoon and tonight.  I can tell that he is so happy right now though, which makes my heart so glad.  Tomorrow is the last day of school for our kids, and we also hand over the keys to our old house (though technically we will still have some since we are still the owners, but you get the gist of what I'm saying).  It will be the real end to our live in our old town and the real beginning to life here.  I am apprehensive (as I am with any change, let's be honest), but mostly I am excited to see what the future holds from here.  One thing I know is that we have enough projects to keep up busy here to last a whole lifetime.  So, on that note, with this short post, I am off to bed. :)

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Days 106 & 107--First Night in the New House

Nothing today went as planned--which is a big shocker of course.  The movers were only able to move in about half of our stuff, and then they had another job, which meant that we had to return the truck and rent it again tomorrow and hire more movers for tomorrow.  It is all just money out of the bank, BUT we are in our new house, and the kids are in the new house, and they seem to love it.  Even the cat seems pretty content with his new digs.

Today was nothing short of exhausting, though thank goodness my mother was here to help me out for most of the afternoon and then pretty late into the evening.  She has agreed to come again tomorrow, which is a huge relief for me and my dad may even come up on Friday.  All good news.

Barney had an unshakable optimism today which I very much appreciated even as I was unable to emulate it myself.  He is already in bed and hopefully asleep as we have another super long day tomorrow.  Seeing him so happy has been the best part of this move so far, and I hope that he will be able to retain that sense of joy for a while.  Joy seems to be so much more elusive as an adult than it was as a child, so when we feel it, it is definitely worth trying to hang onto.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Day 105--Aftermath of the Aftermath of the Fight

The fight itself was not really a big deal in terms of big picture things--it was a squabble indistinguishable from countless squabbles that we have had in the past, but the aftermath has been epic.  I thought for sure things would be fine in the morning, and in large part, they were moving that way.  I let Barney sleep as late as he wanted, preparing the kids for school and getting ready to take them myself (usually Barney does the morning run).  But, the kids were very unsettled at the change of routine, and Barney picked up on it and decided to come with us at the last minute.  Still, things were going okay, but then at almost noon, we had our newest crisis hit our move.

We got an amended contract from the builder that we thought was saying that he would not fix the items found in the inspection if we moved in early and that would force us to cough up a large deposit more quickly than we anticipated having to do if we could not close on time.  Since our lender seems to be in no hurry whatsoever, we were pretty panicked.  While our realtor worked on talking to the builder, we spent several hours working on even more paperwork for the lender.  We both missed out on important work time, and we skipped lunch altogether.

We think that we have it all resolved now, as we have learned that the builder was not referencing inspection items but some item about a tardy survey clause.  And, he has verbally agreed to postpone the final date though we haven't seen it in writing.  Our lender was also cautiously optimistic about closing very soon.  We shall see.

But, the bottom line is that the pressure mounted in a big way today, and so instead of mending our fight, it seemed to only make things worse.  I tried to just be patient with Barney lashing out at me, knowing that he felt I was doing the same, even if I didn't ever intend to or feel like I was.  Finally though, things came to a head and we ended up having to have a "talk."  These are so painful in our house because Barney hates them so much.  And, this instance was no different.

I think...at least I hope....that ultimately the air cleared some, and we were both able to recognize that in order to survive this week, we have to work as a team.  While I am not heading to bed feeling good about where I am in terms of packing, I do at least feel better about how things will be for Barney and I tomorrow.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Day 104--Aftermath of a Fight

It's not easy for the kids to be at the house right now because it is just a mass of boxes with almost no toys left out and little room to run around and play.  And, today it was cold (ish) and wet outside, leaving us all cramped inside.  While this was good in the sense that I had seven loads of laundry and a TON of work to do for school (not to mention the fact that we have very little time left to finish packing), it meant for fussy children and short fuses for the parents.

So, the surprise really is less that we had a pretty big fight and more that we didn't have it until around 6:00pm.  The basic gist of the fight was that Barney blamed me for Olivia falling down some stairs and hitting her head (she's just fine), and I thought it was his fault.  My fighting technique is to get hopping mad in the moment and then be totally over it within a few minutes.  Barney is just the opposite.  He stays calm in the moment but then holds a grudge for hours and hours.  He has essentially refused to be in the same room with me or to talk to me since the fight.  I am not mad anymore, and I am not panicked about the fight either (which is exactly how I would have felt at certain points in the marriage).  While I still feel like it was not my fault that she fell, it doesn't seem worth the energy to fight about it.  So, after the kids went to bed, I went into the room where Barney is hiding out and apologized, simply saying that I was sorry for lashing out at him and that my behavior was inappropriate.  He did not respond, nor has he talked to me since. 

Nevertheless, I think that things will be okay tomorrow, and I believe that my apology did help, even if I can't tell yet.  Fighting seems to be a pretty inevitable part of marriage, and I feel good about this one in the sense that I handled it the best way I could afterwards, even if I did overreact just a bit in the heat of the moment.  It's progress at least.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Days 102 & 103--Melon Smashing

Yesterday my mother very sweetly took my kids for the night so that Barney and I could have a night out on the town to celebrate his successful completion of his MBA.  It wasn't our best day by any stretch because of continued woes with our lender and general anxiety as to where we are going to go once we our renters move into our house this week.  But, we decided to make the best of it, so we headed to a favorite steak house from college for dinner.  Then, we headed to a good friend's favorite location in a nearby city where people can sit outside and watch the planes coming and going from the major airport in our area.  We had never been there before, and it is a great place to get some perspective.  I've been struggling of late to be still.  I have a hard enough time sitting still, but stilling my mind is almost impossible.  I found that Founder's Plaza calmed me, maybe because of the general loudness of the planes as they landed and took off.  Then, we went for the opposite effect entirely by going to a remote area by a local river.  I had purchased a metal bat and six melons of different kinds and shapes.  We wrote down all of the things that have been frustrating us of late on the melons and then took turns demolishing them, either by throwing them, hitting them, or just bashing them with the baseball bat.  It was a great way to get our pent frustrations without actually hitting anyone.  Then, we got to get some really good sleep and even slept in.

Today we were very excited to learn that the builder is going to lease us the house starting on the day that we have to move out on a day to day basis, allowing us to pay by the day until we can close.  We also started a loan process with a second bank as a backup in case our current lenders are unable to get their act together any better.

Both of us feel a strong sense of peace and a renewed enery regarding our move.  While closing on time would have been the best option, being able to move in on time makes a huge difference, and we are really grateful. We spent our day working and packing, but it was a good day because we can be excited about moving again instead of apprehensive. 

We finished our day by meeting my mom and the kids for dinner about halfway between our house and theirs for hamburgers and corndogs.  While it was clear that the kids had a great time, they were also happy to see us and in a very good mood, which only added to our good mood.

Barney is now watching soccer, and I think that I am going to read a book.  What a treat :)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Day 101--The Other Shoe Dropped?

Today was a day that I would classify as a normal day, inasmuch as that can be applicable in the middle of a move.  I had a heavy work day, and I spent most of the day working.  Barney had a lighter day and thus spent the afternoon running errands.  We picked the kids up early and took them to get George's hair cut.

Then, on the way home, we got a call from our lender.  They initially told us that we don't qualify for our loan, but in discussing the details with us, it came to light that they had neglected to use a large chunk of our income.  They are missing information that we now have to provide to them, despite how much information we have already provided documenting the money that we make (including the missing elements).  Our lender has assured us that now that she fully understands our financial situation, and taking into account the missing pieces, we more than qualify for the loan.  However, that assurance does not feel great on the heels of being told we don't qualify because they did not bother to get the documentation that they need.

The other really bad part is that now we are assured that there is no way that we will be able to close on schedule.  So, first we are waiting on the seller to agree to push back the close date.  Then, we have to figure out what to do in the meantime since we absolutely have to be out of our current home on schedule, regardless of when we close.  We have to find a place to keep our stuff, find a place to stay ourselves, and deal with all of the other myriad of details like re-arranging utilities, movers, childcare, etc.  Since we have no set move-in date at this point, it's not even like we can just push things back and set a new day.  We are now officially in limbo.

I have no idea what things are going to look like or where I am going to take my children or my possessions next week.  That sounds melodramatic because of course I am fully aware that we have many options and will not be reduced to anything dire.  But, the ground under my feet is anything but solid right now--and today feels like the other shoe dropped.  I can list for you at least 10 really bad outcomes, ranging from our seller using this as an excuse to walk away to paying thousands of extra dollars to store/move our stuff while imposing on others who don't need four and a half people taking up their available space.

When I am scared, I turn in on myself--I ignore my phone and certainly don't make calls, I turn off my computer chats, and I just close down.  That is, I close down to everyone but Barney--he is the person that I always turn to for comfort and solace.  But tonight, I have found myself shutting down from him too.  I am avoiding even being in the same room as him, not because I am mad but because I am too scared to know how to act with him.  Normally, when I am scared, I know that he is less scared than me, while still knowing that he understands me, but this time he is as scared or more scared than I am.  I keep telling myself I just have to show up and to be there--offer a presence if he needs it or leave him be if he needs that, but it's really hard to be there for someone else when I am not even there for myself.

Early in this pregnancy, I thought for sure that I was heading for my third miscarriage.  Our first sonogram showed Jefferson to be much smaller than what I knew him to be, and the heartbeat, while there, was very faint.  That sonogram was a virtual copy of the experiences that I had with my first miscarriage, and so I was sure that I was headed home to wait for the inevitable.  But, Barney had such faith--he believed in the pregnancy, and he believed that this baby would be okay.  Losing a baby is far worse than losing a house, much less only temporarily being delayed from moving into our house.  So, by logic, it makes far less sense that I am so much more closed off to Barney tonight than I ever was during that hellish two weeks of waiting.  I know that I am not mad at him, and there is no part of me that feels that he is to blame here.  I just feel like I have nothing to give and no ability to receive either.  I feel rudderless and without a moor.

I also have a strong suspicion that tomorrow morning I will wake up and feel embarrassed that anyone has read this entry.  (In part because hopefully things will seem less scary tomorrow).  But, I am going to post it anyway, because I want Barney to have a true documentation of this year and the way that this project has run, no matter how unattractive I may be presenting myself along the way.  I'm just sayin--I know that there is a streak of crazy in this post, even if I'm not sure if the knowing makes it better or worse.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Day 100--So Proud

I am just so proud of Barney today.  He has successfully completed all of the requirements to graduate from Grand Canyon University with his MBA and will graduate Summa Cum Laude with a 3.9 GPA.  He plays it off in a big way when talking about it to other people, but I have seen how hard he has worked over the last 15 months, and I am so proud of how dedicated he remained to staying in school.  He has tried going to graduate school twice before without successfully completing because he hated school so much.  But, he did this all on his own.  I never, ever had to remind him or even encourage him to do his school work.  He made it a priority each day and often went well above and beyond the minimum requirements for his courses, as evidenced by his GPA.  He tries to act like his classes weren't tough because they were online, but I know many people who found the online format even more challenging than traditional classrooms.  He was so successful first because he was motivated and second because he really is good at what he does.

Today was a really good day, though we didn't spend it celebrating per se.  We met the builder at the house to discuss the last minute fixes to the house, and then we found a hole in the wall Mexican food place to eat at for lunch.  This afternoon, we took the kids on a local train ride through some parks, and then we used a Groupon to get one of Barney's favorite dinners.  We packed for a while and then watched Modern Family once both kids were in bed.

The real celebration is on Friday when my mom and dad are taking the kids for a night.  I am still planning the details but am trying to come up with some fun and new ideas for things we can do--something outside of our normal box of ideas.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Day 99--Body Pillow Metaphor

I've started thinking about our relationship in terms of a particular metaphor--the body pillow metaphor.  To explain, I need to go back a little bit in time, and by a little bit, I mean about 25 years.  When I was little, I would try to trick myself into falling asleep on those nights when sleep remained elusive by telling myself that there was a bad man right outside my window, and if I was awake, he would know that I saw him, and he would get me.  But, if he thought I was asleep, he would leave me in peace.  Of course, this concept was scary to a five year old child (or a 30 year old woman, come to that), so I began to also camouflage myself.  I did that by getting my stuffed animals and dolls and lining them all the way down my bed on either side of my body, under the covers.  Then, I would curl up as small as possible in the middle and try to look like just another doll, so that the bad man would not even see me.

After a while, I started to need the feeling of something on either side of me in order to fall asleep.  As I got older, the stuffed animals were replaced by pillows.  Then, when I got married, I tried to abandon this habit, but it didn't last long.  I just always felt unprotected and naked on the side where Barney was not.  So, I re-implemented pillows, but on one side only.  It took some adjusting for Barney and I to figure things out with this third occupancy in the bed, but we did eventually come to find it routine.  And then, during my pregnancy with George, I discovered the wonders of the body pillow--one long pillow that I can curl up with--just amazing.  At some point, Barney began to want to share the body pillow, so we often snuggle at night with the Barney holding me on one side, and me holding the body pillow on the other, with the body pillow in a fish hook shape.

The problem is that because of my strong attachment to the body pillow, I cannot sleep holding Barney because I cannot wrap myself around him like I do the body pillow without bringing out his minor claustrophobia really quickly.  So, we can either cuddle in exactly one position, or we generally face the opposite way from one another.  If I want to turn onto my left side where Barney is, that entails putting a pillow between us, which I avoid doing as much as possible--it just doesn't feel right.

The point is that we only have one comfortable position in which we can sleep as a couple.  Otherwise, we may be co-sleeping, but there is no intimacy or bonding in the experience.  This post is not about trying to change our sleeping habits--it's about how our sleeping habits are something of a metaphor for our relationship.  We have established patterns and routines for what we do as a couple and for ways that we bond.  We rarely step outside of these patterns, and as such, it is easy to become stagnant as a couple without any real growth.  We've found what's comfortable and thus have no incentive to continue to push relationship, but a relationship that doesn't grow will eventually wither.  I want to take what is healthy and continue to make it better, rather than allowing it to become weak and frail and having to nurture it back to the state where we are now.

Day 98--The Big Sleep

So much for trying to live in the present.  Yesterday was a haze of busyness from breakfast with Barney's mom to a very late start to work to Barney's sister's visit to help us pack (an incredibly sweet gesture), to it being the normal busy Monday that we see each day.

I recently read a book about one woman's quest to connect with God and to feel His presence in her life.  While she is Jewish, there were many things in the book that I related to.  One thing that I keep thinking about was a Buddhist woman who talked about finding zen despite being the active mother of six children and grandmother of many more.  Her constant daily activities precluded her from having the meditation time that most Buddhists apparently need to reach the state of peace and oneness that is a primary quest of Buddhism.  This woman found it by focusing only on each task at hand and giving it all of her attention--she called it "Stirring the pot mindfully."  I love that concept, but I have no idea how to put it into practice.  If I'm not planning things during my cook time, how will I know what I need to do next, and when will I make the plans that really are necessary?

Barney and I haven't had any real time to ourselves since Friday and our only partially successful date afternoon.  So, since we got so ahead in packing this weekend with the help of Barney's mom and sister, I thought that once the kids went to bed, we could skip packing and have some quality time together, even if it meant not catching up on all my work.  But, by 8:45, I was completely wiped out.  As soon as we put George to bed, I headed to the bath, which sometimes rejuvenates me a bit.  This time it didn't.  I was in bed and asleep by 9:45pm--three hours earlier than normal.

I could try to justify the decision to go to bed as something I did in part for Barney because when I become too sleep deprived, I get so much crankier.  But, it wasn't a decision that I really even consciously made.  It was just my body telling me that I needed sleep right NOW.

But, maybe it will allow me to bring my mind into better focus today to help me better excel at the required tasks and then to be able to turn all of my attention to Barney.  One goal for today is to come up with a plan for Wednesday--it is not only day 100 of this project, but it is also the day Barney will finish his MBA.  Despite what he claims, that is something to celebrate, and I intend to do just that.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Day 97--Finding Myself in the Present

Do you know how easy it is to lose sight of bigger ideas in the midst of details?  I am a detail person, and I always have been.  The big picture is Barney's job, while I am the person who takes care of all of the little stuff.  For example, I have spent a lot of time working on utilities this week--getting the ones scheduled to disconnect at our current house and getting the ones set up to start at our new house.  Apparently, women rarely do those types of things in Aledo, because when I called the first propane company, the woman asked me if I wanted to consult my, "um . . . partner" before making a final decision on what type of tank to get and where to put it.  I guess only lesbians actually set up their own propane.

But, the point here is that I can so easily lose myself in details and keep all of my focus on the minutae of each day.  I can make lists and plans all day long, and then when the day ends, I will realize that I haven't actually spent any time on things of value.  If I'm not careful, I am going to look back on my life one day and realize that all I have done is take care of the petty or even frivolous details, spending so much time planning and organizing that I forgot to actually enjoy the outcomes I was working for.  I seem to either dwell on the past or focus on the future.  Living in the moment is not my forte.

I have a hard time focusing on other people in the present, and that ranges from strangers to family to my husband.  It has lead to social awkwardness, and it has lead to many of my greatest weaknesses as a wife.  My goal for now, then, is to stop focusing on what I should have done or what I need to do and to allow myself to focus on the right here and right now.  And, mostly that means in this context, focusing on enjoying time with my husband and paying attention to what is happening rather than what I want to have happen or feel like should be happening or am planning to have happen soon.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Days 95 & 96--Introspective Musings

It has become increasingly hard to write about my project over the last few weeks.  In part, this is because we are at such a hectic and intense juncture in our lives, but part of this is also because I have reached a place where so much of the work that I am trying to do is internal rather than external.

I have developed a pattern in my actions of taking Barney's well being into consideration as I move throughout my day, and it is fairly natural to see and execute small gestures to make his day brighter, from agreeing to a meal I am not excited about that he is craving, to simply picking up his clothes rather than harassing him about it--again, to bringing him a milkshake out of the blue.  I have found that there are not 365 different things that I can do on a daily basis that are budget and time-friendly.  There are a variety of things, but less and less often these days are my ideas unique or wildly different than what I have done on other days in this project.  As a result, my blog of late feels almost more like a recounting of our days than a journal of an embarked upon project.

A regular reader of this blog might easily infer that the initial concept has gotten lost or packed away with our books and our plates.  What I should have been writing about rather than the mundane details of our days together is the transition that I have been making from becoming a wife who has deliberately been performing kindnesses for her husband each day to a wife who is grappling with how to become a true partner where what is best for "us" is no less central to her inner core thoughts than what is best for "me" and indeed someone where those two concepts are usually so intertwined as to be virtually inseparable from one another.

I think that in many ways, it is easier to think that I can change the environment in which we live--let's get a new house, new furniture, better childcare--and that will be all the improvements that we need.  If I can just make this move happen, make our new home a perfect sanctuary for our family, we will be set up to have the perfect family life.

But, God keeps putting things in my life to force me to see that ultimately what I should be striving for, that what the ultimate goal of this project must be, is to become a better version of myself in order to be a better helpmate and soul mate for my partner, as well as a better mother, and etc.  Self-sacrifice and gift-giving are a part of being a better partner, but they were the easy first stage.  I didn't have to change myself during that first stage, but I am learning that if I don't move past that first stage, I won't have accomplished anything at all really.  Being attentive to my husband's superficial wishes and desires is definitely a good thing, but a partner is the one person in our lives who must also be permanently committed to our spiritual and emotional needs.  I have done my best in these areas since we got married, so the problem is not the lack of desire or drive on my part.  What hinders and limits me are my personal limitations themselves.  If I am not nurturing my own spiritual life, than I am not going to be much help to Barney.  If I am not striving to become a better person myself, I am not going to be prepared to support Barney in his own endeavors at self-improvement, much less being able to nudge or guide him in either area in the times when that may be needed as well.

A curious thing about looking down at the future of this project is that I am increasingly wondering how far I can go on my own without telling Barney about what I have been trying to do and then embarking on this project together.  In a partnership, if one person is trying to take things to new levels but is not willing to share that information with the other partner, can it ever be successful, no matter what the reason for the secrecy is?  I am just not sure.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Days 93 & 94 -- More of the Same

I have to tell you about yesterday.  As I had mentioned, Barney spent much of yesterday out at the new house working on stuff for our backyard while I stayed home and worked primarily on utilities--both shutting down the current house and setting up the new house (what an absolutely unpleasant task that was).  Barney called on his way home, and it happened to be right near the end of Sonic happy hour, so I asked him to swing by and pick up a tea for me, and he was totally fine with that.  A little bit later he got home and had completely forgotten to get the tea, just as he had with the now infamous pudding.  I teased him a little bit but went out and picked it up really quickly.  This time there was no anger.

Then, last night, Barney ate with the kids while I was working, and so once they were done with dinner, he asked what I wanted.  I placed an order with him for something from a nearby cafe, and he decided to check to see if the stores right next to the cafe had any boxes while he was out.  He came home with a car full of great boxes--but NO food.  He had forgotten again.  At this point, he felt very terrible about constantly forgetting him, and I may or may not have played it up to the full hilt last night--but in a teasing way and not by pouting or being angry as I did with the pudding.

I quickly ate, and then we packed for hours last night.  I finally finished up and went to bed around 1:00am.  I woke up extremely sore and still exhausted this morning.  So, this afternoon, I treated myself to a nap, which was definitely very needed at this point.  I am going to go for lighter packing tonight as well.  Too bad that my favorite show is still on hiatus so that I cannot use it as an excuse for a nice break.

Today, Barney wanted me to go with him to Home Depot to look at trees and grass seed and lawn mowers.  So, that was our afternoon excursion.  I cannot believe how the countdown is flying past until we are supposed to move into our new home, and I cannot believe just how much we still have to do to get ready for the big day.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Day 92--Life in the Crazy Lane

Before I go into today, I want to go back to yesterday.  Before I even fell asleep last night, I was ready to admit what I was not willing to admit at the time of my blog posting.  That is--I am fully aware that I had more culpability for the disaster of last night than I gave myself credit for initially.  I should not have pouted when he came home without the pudding.  I should have gracefully accepted the change of plans and either made new plans to get the treat today or found a different treat from the house (like a Reese's egg, which I enjoyed today for a lovely snack.  I do love Easter candy).  My poor behavior set up the rest of the night, and sadly the effects lasted well into today also.

The ice had not completely melted between us for most of the morning, leading to yet another confrontation when the trash truck drove past our house midmorning making my intermittent suggestions that Barney should go ahead and put the trash out now useless as we had missed the pick up.  I ran through the house like a crazy person trying to empty the trashes fast enough to get them out there and have some hope of getting them emptied, and I may or may not have been making my unhappiness at the turn of events be clearly known as I did so.

Definitely not the best start to the day.  But luckily things started to turn around, not because of any awesome thing that I did to fix it, but because we heard from our loan officer that we needed to put together about 50 different pieces of information so that she could move forward with the processing of our loan.  We had to work together to get everything finished and ready for her to start working on before CoB today, and by the time we were finished, we had a 47 page fax and a much more harmonious atmosphere in the household.  I know that it is weird that putting together a bunch of paperwork together made things better rather than worse, but for whatever reason, it's also true.

While Barney completed the paperwork, I went and got the kids.  We took a break from all of the packing and household preparations for a few hours to spend time with them and to eat dinner.  I cooked, using meat from our freezer to try to clean out as much as possible before the movers get here in two weeks, and we actually watched about 45 minutes of a recent SNL while we ate and before we resumed packing.  Barney suggested the break, and it felt like an apology for refusing to take the break last night.

Then, it was back to packing.  I packed up quite a bit more of the kitchen, and Barney has now packed almost all of my books--about 750 in total.  It was very productive, and it feels good at the end of the day to have that feeling of accomplishment.

Tomorrow will be another day like today--filled with packing and working on stuff for the move once the work for the day is done.  I plan to start sending inquiry letters to potential nannies tomorrow, which should be an interesting process.  I also have to work on getting our utilities lined up at both places--the cancellations and the new services.  I have done some of it but still have much to do.  Barney will be working on the appraisal of the new house and some estimates on the lawn work that we need done.  It will be a rare day apart, which is not entirely bad considering how high tensions are around here these days.

The sad thing for me is that I discovered tonight that the audiobook that I rented from the library and downloaded to my computer is missing a disc--disc 12/15.  So, I am three quarters of the way through a book and missing a nice chunk of it--a very depressing concept all around.  (Not that this relates to the topic at hand, but I had to share my depressing state of events anyway).

Monday, March 14, 2011

Day 91--A Celebration Ruined

We made plans months ago to do a three part celebration--the day we closed on selling our house (revised to signed a lease), the day we put a contract on our new house, and the day we close on our new house.

Of course, with the time crunch and expenses involved in moving, our celebrations were not going to be big.  But, we had some really good things to celebrate today.  First, our lease is now officially signed and in place for the renters for our new house, and because they bid up on the price we were asking, it is a very good deal for us.  Second, we finally have a signed and seemingly finalized deal in place on our new house, including inspection information.

The plan was that we would each get a special treat and then eat dinner and watch one TV show while taking a break from our work/packing.  Barney wanted Chipotle, which of course I did not want at all, but I agreed for our celebration.  I wanted banana pudding for dessert from a nearby restaurant that makes a really great batch.

While I was getting Olivia ready for bed, Barney went to go get the food, but he came back without the pudding, having totally forgotten about my treat.  I was very disappointed and did not make great efforts to conceal it.  I know that he wanted me to say forget it, and I should have.  But, I really wanted the pudding and to have something that felt like a celebration since we have had very little but stress in our lives for what feels like all of 2011.

Barney took his food into a different room to eat so that he would not have to be around me, and then he left in a huff to get the pudding.  I stayed home and got George ready for bed and rushed to finish my work so that we could celebrate when he got home.

But, when he came home, he went upstairs and started packing, and when I asked him if he was ready to come have our little celebration, he told me he was not interested.  I went upstairs to talk to him, and he told me that I had ruined it, and that he would not be spending time around me for the rest of the night.  He then invited me to go somewhere else in the house to cry.  I took him up on that offer, but only after a good 20 minutes of begging him not to cancel the celebration.  At some point, it was obvious to me that I should quit trying, but I am so disappointed that we could not take one measly hour off to have some kind of small (and admittedly trite) celebration of these major events in our life.

I know that my goal here is to find ways to be a better wife, so I feel like I should be saying that I should not have let my disappointment show about the pudding or maybe even that I should not have been disappointed, since the real point of the celebration was to spend time together commemorating the commencement of our long-held goals (or at least major milestones to reaching our endgame of moving into our new house).  But, I honestly feel like I tried my very best tonight and that my sincere apologies were not listened to because Barney was not interested in reconciling with me.

However, I am determined to find better ways tomorrow to improve upon what transpired tonight.  In the meantime, I should definitely go pack.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Day 90--Unbelievable Amounts of Work

Today was a beast of a day between laundry, a TON of essays to grade, house keeping items, grocery shopping requirements, packing attempts, and working on house stuff.  I am going to bed far from feeling happy about how much I left on the table at the end of the day, but there is only so much that I can do in a day.

I spent too much time today working on figuring out utlities for the new house and tracking down information that our lender will need like paystubs, etc.  Of course, all of that is absolutely necessary before we move, but it feels much less tangible than some of the things that I did not get done.

All of that is to say, that while I was doing a good job early in the day of being a loving wife, by the end of the day, the backsliding was extremely obvious.  I spent about half an hour outside with Barney playing various forms of catch with him, which he always loves.  But, towards the end of that time, it really started to hit me how much work I still had to do, so I quickly shut down the game and headed inside to take care of the work I needed to get done.  The more I started to do, the more panicked I felt at the inevitability that much would be still be undone by the time I gave in and went to bed.  I quickly became cranky, irritable, and easily set off, and much of that was aimed at Barney.  Even though none of my frustration was directly his fault or directly related to anything he did, he was the only moving target and thus was the recepient of the frustration.

I don't admit this lightly or feel any pride about how tonight went.  Even as I was in the midst of taking out my frustration on him, I wished that I was not but could not seem to stop.  These are exactly the situations that I am trying to avoid, and I clearly need to be extra vigilant with all of the pressure we are under right now and need to come up with better strategies for avoiding this type of behavior.  I have to go take a bath now, and I am going to spend that time working on a plan for coming up with ways that I can deliberately show affection to Barney this week that are as unrelated to moving as possible.  I think that the time has come to try to introduce some other topic back into our relationship, even if it is only in very small ways.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Day 89--I Hate Daylight Savings

I like long summer nights, but oh how I loathe the transition that the kids go through as they adjust to time changes.  It means early, early mornings for a couple of weeks.  Good times all around.  So, we let the kids stay up pretty late tonight in hopes that they would sleep some in the morning.  We shall see.

Today was a fun day--we went to Barney's nephew's birthday party and were there from about 11:00am to 4:30pm, spending time with family.  The kids especially loved it, though Olivia refused to nap.  They did both crash the whole way home, which was nice.

The only unfortunate thing is that we spent half the time on the phone with our realtor off and on as we try to nail down this contract on the house and get all of the final details hammered out.  Barney continues to remain very stressed about the whole thing, while I vacillate between feeling confident that all will turn out to having a deep pit in my stomach from nerves that it will fall through.

This is such a role reversal for us that it is hard for me to know what to do for Barney, so my goal has been to try to do for him what I want him to do for me when I am the one worrying--namely, to listen and take his worries seriously without adding to the panic by bringing new worries to the table or seeming overly worried myself.  I never want him to make me feel like my worries are stupid, but I also want him to make me feel less nervous--it is a very fine line.  That line is my aim these days.

I guess the good news is that since we are going for such a short turnaround time, the time to fret will not be that horribly long.  The other silver lining in our short turnaround time is that we have so many details to attend to that we can throw ourselves into those to stop focusing on the big picture (that doesn't sound nearly as positive written out as it did in my head, just so you know).

I have been thinking though that if this all works out, I think that when we look back, we will be able to see an amazing timeline of how God worked to put us into the right place at the right time(glimpses of which I can already see), which of course is what we have tried to believe all along.  But, it is so much harder to take that concept in faith as you experience it than it is to see God's intent and purpose for what happened after it has occurred and the end result is known.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Day 88--2011, The Year of Exhaustion

I feel like I write about sleeping, a lack of sleep, and a desire to sleep a lot.  I know I think about it a lot.  I cannot ever remember a season in my life when I have had such a consistent shortage of sleep, and my newborn isn't even due for another two and a half months!

The kids were up at 6:45, and since I followed my usual routine of being unable to sleep the night before until after 12:30, it was another very short night for me.  Barney spent the morning picking up boxes from places that had listed them on Craigslist for free, leaving me at home to work.  When he got home, he reminded me that we had the inspection today.  I very much wanted to skip the inspection and let him go on his own while I grabbed a nap, but I got the impression that he wanted me to go.  So, I went with him, which turned out to be good because the builder was supposed to leave us some paperwork at the house but failed to do so (big shocker, Mr. Reliable and Definitely Completely Sane did not come through yet again).  Have I mentioned that even though we have a contract with him, he went ahead and upped the asking price in MLS by $20,000, changed the square footage, and has failed to update the contract status with MLS?

Barney was so discouraged--he remains constantly nervous that something is going to happen that will cause this whole thing to fall apart.  And that would be bad considering that we just signed the lease on the house today.

I wanted to do something to cheer him up, but I was not feeling like a cheerleader today.  Besides working this morning, I had spent a good deal of time on the phone with my insurance and doctor's office trying to get some bills sorted out, and it had not left me in the best of moods.  It has become somewhat of a tradition the past few weeks to eat at Panera Bread for lunch on Fridays, so to get a better perspective on things, we went there and ate rather than just coming home and working.  It seemed to work pretty well.  Our spirits were somewhat better when we came home and worked until it was time to pick up the kids.  We got our long walk in today, which was great because the weather was beautiful.  Then, I actually fixed Barney dinner--steak fajitas to use up some of the meat I had in the freezer.  We are trying not to buy any groceries other than the absolute necessities until we move, and we are trying to eat as much as we can of what we have in our freezer/fridge.  So, we didn't have the trimmings, but I had the flank steak, some refried beans, shredded cheese, and onion. 

Tonight, as per our new usual routine, was dedicated to packing.  We have now packed up all but a drawer of necessities in the living and dining room (not counting furniture).  Our eat-in kitchen is about 75% packed, and our storage cupboard under the stairs is also packed.  We have packed quite a bit from the kitchen but still have lots more to go in there as well.  My plan tomorrow is to tackle the office, but it is pretty bare boned already from when we moved stuff into storage last summer, so it should not take long.  After that, we will move upstairs and start packing up there.  If we keep this up, we should be packed without too much trouble by the time we need to be out.

Tomorrow we will take a break from working to go to Marshall's son's first birthday party.  They live about an hour and a half away, so it will likely take up most if not all of the day.  Thank goodness we don't have to worry about showings any more and don't have to leave the house ready for visitors on a moment's notice.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Day 87--I'm A Cheerleader Y'all

This morning marked our fourth day in a row to have a scheduled visit to a medical professional.  George had his first dentist appointment on Monday morning, Olivia went to the doctor on Tuesday to get some antibiotics for an infected sore, Barney had his yearly check up yesterday, and today I had my 28 week pregnancy visit.  So, despite our very late night, we hit the ground running this morning.

We signed the contract last night at 12:45am and then attempted to get some sleep.  Olivia was up at 6:45 am, and we were all up by 7:20 and out the door by 8:20.  As soon as my doctor's appointment was finished, we grabbed some breakfast, went to see our realtor to pay our earnest money, and then we headed out to our new town to visit the two day a week daycare where George and Olivia will attend next year.  We just loved it and were able to secure two spots (thankfully).  By the time we got home, it was noon, and we had not started work yet.  We also scheduled our inspection, had a mover come give us an estimate (yowser!), and dealt with various issues related to getting the current house leased (still not a done deal--the background checks are taking forever).

After we finished all of that, a crazy thing happened--Barney curled up on the couch with me and we took a nap for an hour.  While I nap whenever possible (ie very rarely these days), he never naps.  It was less a desire to cuddle than a move motivated by exhaustion, but I will take what I can get.  And, it was still a very sweet moment for me.  But then it was time to go get the kids, who were super, super fussy for some reason tonight.  Normally, we would just go on a long walk on nights like this when they get so cranky, but Barney was working with our loan officer to get our --really good-- rate locked and needed to be close to our home phone.  He was just beside himself because he was half-convinced that they were going to decide we did not qualify for a loan after all and that we would not get the house we so want.  I was not really worried about this possibility, partly I'm sure because I don't have the industry experience that he does to really understand how common getting turned down is, and partly because I know that we have great credit and that we can afford the house we are buying.  Regardless of the reason, I took on the role of cheerleader tonight, as well as making sure he had the space he needed to deal with his anxiety.

Luckily, it only took about two hours for the loan officer to send us the approved letter, but it was a tense two hours for my sweet husband.  I think that we are destined for several more of those over the next 19 days as we work to close on our house.  But, most of the major hurdles have been crossed, and I am anticipating that our stress will come more from a lack of time than from worries about the deal not coming together as we have hoped.

Though I would say that our marriage is one of the more partner-based marriages I have really ever seen, meaning that we work together so much as a team, this process has really strengthened our ability to work together and our ability to draw on our respective strengths and weaknesses in ways that we have not consistently done in the past.  I am not to a place where I can really appreciate the turmoil that life has been for the last couple of months, but I am grateful for the ways in which these circumstances have strengthened my marriage in ways that we probably never could have achieved on our own in better circumstances.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Days 85 & 86--As Ever, More Roadblocks

I really hope that once we finally move, we don't have to move again for decades at least.  I cannot believe the hurdles that we have faced in this process.  We met with the builder yesterday, and everything seemed to be going very smoothly.  We have been window-shopping for our new house (in addition to the actual shopping--our garage is now full of the furniture we bought last weekend).  We have been getting moving estimates and packing up a storm.  Half of my kitchen at least is now packed.  We have packed between 10 and 15 boxes a night for the last three nights.  Everything seemed to be a done deal--it was just a matter of finalizing a number on the work we wanted done in the backyard.

Then, today, actually--tonight, things just started to go haywire.  The builder has now informed us that he plans to raise the asking price $20K first thing in the morning on his listing because he thinks that the square footage in the listing was 200 sq feet below the actual square footage, based on an appraisal that he found.  He also plans to make that price as is, without any of the backyard work that has to be done.  He has said he will honor the counter he gave us that was for no work done in the backyard, but he has also insinuated that he has another offer coming in tomorrow (whether or not this is true).  He also is claiming that information in MLS about the house he just sold next door is completely false but cannot provide any proof of that information.

We are now left to sign the deal without any work done on the backyard, which is not what we wanted at all.  It is either that, or we seemingly will lose the house.  Barney is completely undone by this whole situation, and I have no idea what the right thing to do is--it is midnight and we are being completely pushed into a corner.  I can only pray that whatever we decide in the next fifteen minutes is the right decision.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Day 84--So Much Good News

We had 5 showings on our house today!  To match that, we are expecting to have five sets of applications submitted on our house for 5 different groups of parties interested in renting the property by the end of tomorrow.  This means that we will have renters in and that we will be out by the middle of April at the latest.

In addition, we received our counteroffer on the house we plan to purchase this evening, and we are going out to meet the builder tomorrow to finalize an agreement (it is all dependent on the yard work that we want done, and so we are meeting to figure all of that out).  We hope to close sometime between April 1 and April 15th.

What an unbelievable blessing and amazing journey this last year has been, and I am so grateful that we are finally seeing some real progress in our attempts at moving. 

Barney and I could only possibly be more excited about all of this if we were not so completely exhausted.  We had a lot of major decisions to make today, and we made all of them as a team with rational discussions and honest weighing of each other's opinions.  We were able to make compromises and come to agreements on every single issue without any tension or anger sparking between us.  I think that may have been the major accomplishment on both of our parts today, and it was all the more amazing because the stress levels have such a potential to act as fuel to start major issues in times like these.  The major decisions that we are making are only beginning at this point--now we have to work on actually moving, finding new childcare arrangements, and so much more.  My prayer at this point is to continue to be able to work together as partners to come up with mutually agreeable decisions that are in the best interest of our whole family.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Day 83--Words from a World Away

Sleeping is one of my great pleasures in life, but I seem to be unable to do it very well these days.  I fall into bed exhausted but cannot quiet my mind enough to fall asleep, and once I wake up in the morning, my mind is immediately racing again, making sleep an elusive creature yet again, even if I don't have to get up yet.

This morning I woke up exhausted and could not go back to sleep.  So, I got up, but my crankiness was at a very high level and my tolerance of handling anything from the annoying to the frustrating was at an all time low.

It got to the point where I was avoiding talking to Barney just because I was afraid that if I said anything it would either come out as nasty or would actually be nasty.  After lunch I did my best to take a nap--it didn't exactly work, but it helped to ground me enough that I could interact in humane ways again.

When I woke up the kids were still napping, so I used the time to get some work done.  While reading for one of my classes, I came across this song written in the early 1300s by a French composer.  I find the lyrics to be so beautiful and so transcendent of time.  They were a perfect encapsulation of all that I feel about Barney, so I emailed it to him as a dedication of all that I feel about him.

I want to stay faithful, guard your honor,
Seek peace, obey
Fear, serve and honor you,
Until death/


For I love you so much, truly,
that one could sooner dry up
the deep sea
and hold back its waves
than I could constrain myself
from loving you,


without falsehood; for my thoughts
my memories, my pleasures
and my desires are perpetually
of you, whom I cannot leave or even briefly forget.


There is no joy or pleasure
or any other good that one could feel
or imagine which does not seem to me worthless
whenever your sweetness wants to sweeten my bitterness
Therefore I want to praise
and adore and fear you,
suffer everything,
experience everything, endure everything
more than I desire any reward.

I want to stay faithful . . .


You are the true sapphire
that can heal and end all my sufferings,
the emerald which brings rejoicing,
the ruby to brighten and comfort the heart.
Your speech, your looks,
Your bearing, make one flee and hate and detest
all vice and cherish and desire all that is good.


I want to stay faithful. . .

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Day 82--A Fun Family Day

We had two showings again today, which meant we needed to be out of the house for random chunks of the day.  We solved the problem by heading over to our sister city to do some furniture shopping for the house.  We took the kids over to play with their cousins at Barney's sister's house.  They had an absolute blast, and Barney and I spent the morning hitting up all of the good furniture spots in town.

We had absolutely no intention of buying until we have closed on our house, but Barney's sister told us about this store that is located in the warehouse district.  They used to only sell to dealers but the economy caused them to open their doors to the public.  They only bring in unique pieces--nothing is mass produced, and once they sell something, it is gone and cannot be purchased.  The prices were amazing too.  So, we found a dining room table and matching chairs and a kitchen table and matching chairs and bench that we loved too much to pass up.  We also found (at other stores) the couch, love seat, and chair we want for our living room, but these are from large furniture stores and can be purchased after we close, which we plan to do.

We were up before 7:00 this morning, so when we got home this afternoon, we were hoping for naps, but no such luck because Olivia was totally uninterested in a nap.  So, Barney was very sweet and watched her so that I could cat nap for 45 minutes.  Then, when George woke up from his nap, Barney and I both sort of simultaneously realized that we are completely worn out.  The idea of watching the kids while keeping the house in something like showing condition was overwhelming.

Our solution was to load them in the car with some M&Ms and to head to a nearby theatre to watch Rango.  We got a big thing of popcorn, and the kids were just enchanted with the event even though the movie was not that awesome.  It was not the same relaxing experience as going to a movie without two toddlers, but it was nice.  It was the first time we have taken them to the movies, so that in and of itself also made the event special.

We came home and Barney got right to work on his work stuff for today, and he was in bed before 9:30.  I am still working but hoping for an early night as well.

I think I did a much better job today of watching my tone and holding my tongue, though there was one moment of tension while shopping today where I didn't say the right thing and immediately knew it.  I was definitely being more deliberate in making sure that my interactions with Barney were positive.  Of course, all of the fun activities from today probably helped that along quite a bit as well.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Day 81--A Big Day, Part II

If yesterday was a big day, today just continued with that trend.  While we found out that we will not get a counteroffer until at least Monday due to a family death with the builder, things on the leasing end of this project have been hopping.  We had three showings today, all of whom expressed strong interest and one of whom has actually submitted applications to lease the house.  We have another showing tomorrow morning as well.  So, it is looking like we will be able to lease this house sooner rather than later, which is wonderful.

All of the showings meant another day of not getting work done during the day, and it feels like time is a very precious commodity all of a sudden.  Things in our world are not going to be normal for months at this point, and we are living from highs to lows and nothing but busyness in between.

So, I shouldn't have been surprised when tension suddenly erupted between Barney and I today, manifesting in a big fight this morning and continuing throughout the day with several smaller fights.  During our fights, Barney brought out all of his old arguments against me, namely that I do nothing but yell and boss and nag.  I had thought that I have changed quite a bit in that regard over the past three months, so I was extremely hurt by these accusations.  My first inclination was to dismiss them out of hat. But, as it has gotten quiet now that everyone but me has drifted to bed, I have to admit that while I am not sure it is as bad as Barney may have presented it to be, I am inarguably distracted by things other than specifically how I interact with my husband these days.

It feels like there just isn't time to stop and consider our interactions, and when I am allowing my mind just to wander, I am much more likely to be mentally decorating my new house, trying to figure out the best way to find the right nanny, or panicking about how much work this move is going to be.  In short, I have let my marriage move from being a high priority to a very low priority.  It's funny because I definitely would not say that is true about parenting, so why would I think it is okay to put my husband on the back burner?  I don't have a good answer for that, but it is a situation that I am make a priority no matter how busy or how much crazier life becomes between now, and I don't know, when our youngest starts college....  (or at least until the end of the summer when we should be able to start getting into a routine in our new house, new school, and with our new baby).

p.s. It's starting to look like our New Orleans trip may have to be cancelled, which is making me very sad :(

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Day 80--What a Big Day

Today has been such a whirlwind of a day that I haven't even really been able to process it.  It started off last night really because I was so busy decorating and filling our new house in my imagination that I got less than three hours of total sleep last night.  Nevertheless, I woke up easily this morning and ready to go see the house again.  We actually were so eager that we got there half an hour early, which is pretty rare for us to do in the mornings.

We met our wonderful realtor and our parents out at the house at 9:00, and we spent the next couple of hours there.  We both felt very sure once we were in the house that it is very much the house of our dreams.  Mom and I quickly passed the time taking measurements and mentally arranged furniture throughout the house while Dad and Barney worked on yard ideas.  We also met the next door neighbor, who has kids the same age as ours, which is awesome.

After we left, our realtor put in our offer, and we hope to get the counteroffer sometime tomorrow.  We also had a showing today and have another scheduled for tomorrow.  Since we could not hang out at the house, we went furniture shopping (not to buy--just to look).  It was very fun for both of us.  But, it meant that we did not start working today until 5:00pm.  I have spent the last six hours trying to catch up on work, and at this point, I am totally spent.

I did manage to surprise Barney this morning with a coke and his favorite (and very hard to find) candy bar--Peanut Butter Twix bars that my mom spied when we went to the convenience store by the house for a quick second.  He was ready for the caffeine at that point and quickly ate his chocolate treat up.

In addition, Marshall found out today that he got his first choice of a tenure track position at a really great school.  It is several states away, but we could not be happier for his family.  I also got some good news about a possible additional income opportunity that made me feel better about putting an offer on the house when we haven't leased ours yet.

Days like today don't happen often, so I hope that I am not too exhausted tonight to take some time and really cherish what a special day it was.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Day 79--House No Longer for Sale

Well, we are no closer to finding new occupants for our house than we have ever been, but we did make a big decision today.  We took our house off of the for sale market.  It is now only available for lease, and tomorrow we are going to go look at the house we want to buy in our new city.  We visited in a few weeks ago, and we fell in love with it.  So, we are going to make sure that it is in fact the exact home that we want to own.  If it is, then we plan to make an offer tomorrow and ask for a closing day of May 1, which is exactly one day before I turn 30 and one month before Jefferson is due.

That gives us two months to get this house leased, which is definitely a risk.  I am not as excited about making an offer as I would be if the future of the house we currently live in were certain.  But, at least for now, I feel peace with our decision.

Today we both a hard time coming to terms with the fact that we have now had three possible buyers/renters who seemed like very strong prospects becoming the future occupants of this house and none of them came through.  We ended up picking the kids up early from school and going for a long walk to take our minds off of things, and it worked.  The kids are at such fun ages right now that it is hard to feel mopey around them.  Then, when we came home, I made Barney a hamburger and French fries, which is not a normal meal on our rotation, so he was pumped.  Then, tonight we are going to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie.  I cannot give him what he wants most, which is a reliable renter, so I am making due with the small offerings that I can provide to make his day brighter despite the non-stop issue hanging over our heads.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Day 78--The Pessimism Won

Remember a few posts back when I said that we should be getting feedback and offers today or tomorrow?  Well, we got two offers today, which sounds like it should be great.  The problem is that both offers were really bad offers.  Really bad.

Barney had a big soccer match that he wanted to watch today, and he talked to a bar close to our house who said they would have the game on (it was not on a channel that we get).  So, he wanted to go there for lunch and to watch the game, and he wanted me to keep him company.  I really didn't want to go, but he was so excited, so I said yes.

While I was getting ready, our realtor called and said that the offer to buy the house had come in but that it was very low.  She told us the offer and then asked us to meet her at her office two hours later to discuss it.  We were very disheartened, but we agreed.  We got to the bar, but within five minutes, we got a call for a showing one hour later.  So, we had to immediately leave to go back to the house and get it ready for the showing.

We went back and watched the game for an hour and then went to the realtor's office, where we made a counteroffer we were pretty sure would not fly.  They re-countered another very low offer, and we did not re-counter from there.  They are thinking it over tonight, but it's less than a 5% chance that deal will go through.

In the meantime, the people who came to see it today loved the house and want to rent it.  Unfortunately, they only want to rent it if we will come down $500 per month, which is also ridiculous.  They offered free golf lessons in return.  No thanks.

The other people who had been very interested in leasing just never replied back when they said they would, so we are all assuming that that one is long dead as well.

Where does that leave us?  Back at square one.