Today was a day that I would classify as a normal day, inasmuch as that can be applicable in the middle of a move. I had a heavy work day, and I spent most of the day working. Barney had a lighter day and thus spent the afternoon running errands. We picked the kids up early and took them to get George's hair cut.
Then, on the way home, we got a call from our lender. They initially told us that we don't qualify for our loan, but in discussing the details with us, it came to light that they had neglected to use a large chunk of our income. They are missing information that we now have to provide to them, despite how much information we have already provided documenting the money that we make (including the missing elements). Our lender has assured us that now that she fully understands our financial situation, and taking into account the missing pieces, we more than qualify for the loan. However, that assurance does not feel great on the heels of being told we don't qualify because they did not bother to get the documentation that they need.
The other really bad part is that now we are assured that there is no way that we will be able to close on schedule. So, first we are waiting on the seller to agree to push back the close date. Then, we have to figure out what to do in the meantime since we absolutely have to be out of our current home on schedule, regardless of when we close. We have to find a place to keep our stuff, find a place to stay ourselves, and deal with all of the other myriad of details like re-arranging utilities, movers, childcare, etc. Since we have no set move-in date at this point, it's not even like we can just push things back and set a new day. We are now officially in limbo.
I have no idea what things are going to look like or where I am going to take my children or my possessions next week. That sounds melodramatic because of course I am fully aware that we have many options and will not be reduced to anything dire. But, the ground under my feet is anything but solid right now--and today feels like the other shoe dropped. I can list for you at least 10 really bad outcomes, ranging from our seller using this as an excuse to walk away to paying thousands of extra dollars to store/move our stuff while imposing on others who don't need four and a half people taking up their available space.
When I am scared, I turn in on myself--I ignore my phone and certainly don't make calls, I turn off my computer chats, and I just close down. That is, I close down to everyone but Barney--he is the person that I always turn to for comfort and solace. But tonight, I have found myself shutting down from him too. I am avoiding even being in the same room as him, not because I am mad but because I am too scared to know how to act with him. Normally, when I am scared, I know that he is less scared than me, while still knowing that he understands me, but this time he is as scared or more scared than I am. I keep telling myself I just have to show up and to be there--offer a presence if he needs it or leave him be if he needs that, but it's really hard to be there for someone else when I am not even there for myself.
Early in this pregnancy, I thought for sure that I was heading for my third miscarriage. Our first sonogram showed Jefferson to be much smaller than what I knew him to be, and the heartbeat, while there, was very faint. That sonogram was a virtual copy of the experiences that I had with my first miscarriage, and so I was sure that I was headed home to wait for the inevitable. But, Barney had such faith--he believed in the pregnancy, and he believed that this baby would be okay. Losing a baby is far worse than losing a house, much less only temporarily being delayed from moving into our house. So, by logic, it makes far less sense that I am so much more closed off to Barney tonight than I ever was during that hellish two weeks of waiting. I know that I am not mad at him, and there is no part of me that feels that he is to blame here. I just feel like I have nothing to give and no ability to receive either. I feel rudderless and without a moor.
I also have a strong suspicion that tomorrow morning I will wake up and feel embarrassed that anyone has read this entry. (In part because hopefully things will seem less scary tomorrow). But, I am going to post it anyway, because I want Barney to have a true documentation of this year and the way that this project has run, no matter how unattractive I may be presenting myself along the way. I'm just sayin--I know that there is a streak of crazy in this post, even if I'm not sure if the knowing makes it better or worse.
praying for you. love you so much!
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