It has become increasingly hard to write about my project over the last few weeks. In part, this is because we are at such a hectic and intense juncture in our lives, but part of this is also because I have reached a place where so much of the work that I am trying to do is internal rather than external.
I have developed a pattern in my actions of taking Barney's well being into consideration as I move throughout my day, and it is fairly natural to see and execute small gestures to make his day brighter, from agreeing to a meal I am not excited about that he is craving, to simply picking up his clothes rather than harassing him about it--again, to bringing him a milkshake out of the blue. I have found that there are not 365 different things that I can do on a daily basis that are budget and time-friendly. There are a variety of things, but less and less often these days are my ideas unique or wildly different than what I have done on other days in this project. As a result, my blog of late feels almost more like a recounting of our days than a journal of an embarked upon project.
A regular reader of this blog might easily infer that the initial concept has gotten lost or packed away with our books and our plates. What I should have been writing about rather than the mundane details of our days together is the transition that I have been making from becoming a wife who has deliberately been performing kindnesses for her husband each day to a wife who is grappling with how to become a true partner where what is best for "us" is no less central to her inner core thoughts than what is best for "me" and indeed someone where those two concepts are usually so intertwined as to be virtually inseparable from one another.
I think that in many ways, it is easier to think that I can change the environment in which we live--let's get a new house, new furniture, better childcare--and that will be all the improvements that we need. If I can just make this move happen, make our new home a perfect sanctuary for our family, we will be set up to have the perfect family life.
But, God keeps putting things in my life to force me to see that ultimately what I should be striving for, that what the ultimate goal of this project must be, is to become a better version of myself in order to be a better helpmate and soul mate for my partner, as well as a better mother, and etc. Self-sacrifice and gift-giving are a part of being a better partner, but they were the easy first stage. I didn't have to change myself during that first stage, but I am learning that if I don't move past that first stage, I won't have accomplished anything at all really. Being attentive to my husband's superficial wishes and desires is definitely a good thing, but a partner is the one person in our lives who must also be permanently committed to our spiritual and emotional needs. I have done my best in these areas since we got married, so the problem is not the lack of desire or drive on my part. What hinders and limits me are my personal limitations themselves. If I am not nurturing my own spiritual life, than I am not going to be much help to Barney. If I am not striving to become a better person myself, I am not going to be prepared to support Barney in his own endeavors at self-improvement, much less being able to nudge or guide him in either area in the times when that may be needed as well.
A curious thing about looking down at the future of this project is that I am increasingly wondering how far I can go on my own without telling Barney about what I have been trying to do and then embarking on this project together. In a partnership, if one person is trying to take things to new levels but is not willing to share that information with the other partner, can it ever be successful, no matter what the reason for the secrecy is? I am just not sure.
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