Things were much better today, and I think that there were multiple reasons. The first is that I got to sleep in and got almost eight hours of sleep, which was crucial. The second is that several people have headed back to their houses, making for a less crazy and packed household. While it is really fun to have the whole family here and all of the grandkids, it is also just pure insanity a lot of the time. With fewer people, things are calmer. The third reason is that the girls all went to the Galleria today and did some shopping. I didn't find what I needed, but shopping always puts me in a good mood.
When we got back, the girls all wanted to go get some Mexican food, but the guys all wanted to go work out. I wanted Barney to come to dinner with us since I felt like I really hadn't seen him all day. But, after telling him that I would love to have him come hang out with us, I also let it be known that if he would rather go work out and play basketball, that is exactly what he should do. The best part? I wasn't secretly resentful or upset. I was glad that we both got to do what we wanted, and I was just looking forward to spending time with him this evening.
It was an easiest day of the trip by far, but I think it would be dishonest of me to claim that this is a direct result of my goals or my attempts to implement them. I think that all of this certainly plays a role, but it also was just a day without much conflict. A big blessing--and I am grateful.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Day 17--Exhaustion Plays Its Role
What I am happy about regarding my project for attitude adjustment is that I have managed to re-align my thinking enough to honestly feel like I can see any situation that pops up through a new perspective, and I have even been able to come up with proactive ideas on how to either avoid situations or even to offer up fresh ideas for ways that he can spend time doing fun things with the other guys. For example, this evening several people had some friends over for dinner, and as it was winding down, Barney wanted to play a specific board game, which would have included me. However, the other people who like to play that game were unavailable. So, I suggested that he play a couple games of Fifa with the guys who were available, even though I would have liked something else a tinge more perhaps.
However, my nerves are fraying for a variety of reasons, including a continuous lack of routine, an ongoing and building lack of sleep, a diet of overly rich foods, and a lack of personal space or time away from home. I am finding myself fighting a general bad mood and a negative attitude over virtually nothing. I am not a pep-talker by nature, but I've somehow taken to giving myself regular (silent) pep talks to cheer up, smile, and remember the multitude of good things that are happening in my life. None of this is making my project any easier, but on the other hand, I am becoming more and more sure of the timeliness and significance of what I'm attempting to do for Barney. I have a long established tendency to get wrapped up in how things affect me, and I too often forget that my attitude affects others. So, here is to maintaining a good attitude for the duration of this trip . . . and beyond of course.
However, my nerves are fraying for a variety of reasons, including a continuous lack of routine, an ongoing and building lack of sleep, a diet of overly rich foods, and a lack of personal space or time away from home. I am finding myself fighting a general bad mood and a negative attitude over virtually nothing. I am not a pep-talker by nature, but I've somehow taken to giving myself regular (silent) pep talks to cheer up, smile, and remember the multitude of good things that are happening in my life. None of this is making my project any easier, but on the other hand, I am becoming more and more sure of the timeliness and significance of what I'm attempting to do for Barney. I have a long established tendency to get wrapped up in how things affect me, and I too often forget that my attitude affects others. So, here is to maintaining a good attitude for the duration of this trip . . . and beyond of course.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Day 16--The Concrete Details
Yesterday, I explained the overarching history that has led to the problems that Barney and I currently face in relation to spending time with his family. Today I am going to focus more on the concrete details so that you can get a better picture of what the situation looks like from a day-to-day perspective. The issues have always been present, but the daily actuality of what they look like has definitely changed a lot from the early days in our marriage. In the beginning, I felt like an 11th wheel in his family. I felt like Barney would spend all of his time with his brothers, doing activities that excluded me and leaving me to fend for myself with his sisters, whom I believed as a whole did not enjoy being around me.
The situations remains the same in that I constantly feel like I am left alone to fend for myself as Barney plays with his brothers all day and night, but I am much more comfortable being around his family now. Instead, the issues arise because I feel like I am left to to figure out how to assume all of the childcare responsibilities for both children while continuing to maintain all of my work (I don't get vacations--the downside of working from home), and also trying to spend time with his family and getting to do the fun activities for the girls. When we fight about this, and we do a lot, Barney always insists that his mother wants to take care of the children and that I should just leave that to her so that I can work and do stuff with the girls.
I agree that his mother dotes on our children and loves taking care of them. However, she has eight grandchildren, ranging from George at three years to a three week old baby. She also has a husband, seven children, and five son and daughter-in-laws to feed, clean up after, and manage to generally keep organized and under control. That amounts to twenty two people under one roof, just to save you some math.
Here are some recent specific examples of things that have happened relating to this situation:
Yesterday, I really wanted to go shopping to see if I could find any after-Christmas sales on a few specific items. All of the girls planned to go during naptime to make things easier on the guys. However, once the guys realized that it was naptime, they decided to go to the local gym to work out, leaving one brother-in-law at home with all eight children (3 and under), including that brother-in-law's three week old son. At this announcement, I was absolutely furious with them. If any other the other children woke up before someone returned, the one left behind would be in a big bind, because his son was not sleeping and required constant attention. I felt like I had three bad options: 1. to make a big scene and demand that at least Barney if not all of the boys (all of whom but one are fathers of these grandchildren) stay at the house in case one of their kids woke up. 2. stay home from shopping or 3. go knowing that I was leaving behind a potentially disastrous situation.
Another recent example occurred on Christmas Eve, when I had twenty four essays that I had to grade and return that day. Barney was aware of the situation, but he spent the morning at the gym, followed by a movie, followed by a soccer match outside (no kids allowed). This meant that I had to spend all of my time grading and trying to care for my children at the same time and thus was completely unable to help cook or clean dinner. I feel like this makes the other girls resent me and feel like I do not contribute to my share of the responsibilities.
These types of situations literally occur multiple times a day when we stay with Barney's family, so I will only offer up one other example from this trip on the assumption that I have hopefully given a pretty clear picture of how things stand. One of the days we were here (they are all starting to run together), it was Barney's day to get up with the children, which he did without complaint. I got an extra hour and a half of sleep (and gratefully so) on the assumption that he was downstairs taking care of the children. However, when I got up and went downstairs, I learned that Barney had gone with a couple of the other guys to work out, leaving his mother and any other girls who were awake to take care of our children in addition to their own. While I had no idea that this was the situation, I feel like it made me look like I was shirking off my childrearing responsibilities while just assuming that someone else would take care of the kids for me.
Barney feels totally justified in his actions. I think that this is in part because none of the other wives seem to take nearly as much umbrage to things as they currently stand. I have theories about why this is (and all of them could be self-justification, I am coming to realize). But, I'm going to explain them anyway. There are four sisters and two daughter-in-laws in the family, including me. Of these six, only two of us work full time. The sister who works full-time is single and has no children. All of the rest are stay-at-home wives whose primary responsibility is caring for the children (though others two do work part time from home). I am the only woman who has to work when we are on these trips, and so I am the only person who actually assumes a lot more responsibility than normal when we are here versus when we are at home. For everyone else, being here is actually less responsibility because of the collective nature of taking care of the kids coupled with the relative lack of cooking and housework, which means that it is not a big deal that the guys' agenda rarely includes helping out with the children or any other domestic activities.
That is the situation as it stands, as explained to the best of my ability. My goal is to change my perspective of the situation, my attitude towards the way that his family operates, and my expectations of what I think I "deserve" when we are visiting my in-laws. Tomorrow I will write about my progress at this point and my attempts at bringing about positive change.
The situations remains the same in that I constantly feel like I am left alone to fend for myself as Barney plays with his brothers all day and night, but I am much more comfortable being around his family now. Instead, the issues arise because I feel like I am left to to figure out how to assume all of the childcare responsibilities for both children while continuing to maintain all of my work (I don't get vacations--the downside of working from home), and also trying to spend time with his family and getting to do the fun activities for the girls. When we fight about this, and we do a lot, Barney always insists that his mother wants to take care of the children and that I should just leave that to her so that I can work and do stuff with the girls.
I agree that his mother dotes on our children and loves taking care of them. However, she has eight grandchildren, ranging from George at three years to a three week old baby. She also has a husband, seven children, and five son and daughter-in-laws to feed, clean up after, and manage to generally keep organized and under control. That amounts to twenty two people under one roof, just to save you some math.
Here are some recent specific examples of things that have happened relating to this situation:
Yesterday, I really wanted to go shopping to see if I could find any after-Christmas sales on a few specific items. All of the girls planned to go during naptime to make things easier on the guys. However, once the guys realized that it was naptime, they decided to go to the local gym to work out, leaving one brother-in-law at home with all eight children (3 and under), including that brother-in-law's three week old son. At this announcement, I was absolutely furious with them. If any other the other children woke up before someone returned, the one left behind would be in a big bind, because his son was not sleeping and required constant attention. I felt like I had three bad options: 1. to make a big scene and demand that at least Barney if not all of the boys (all of whom but one are fathers of these grandchildren) stay at the house in case one of their kids woke up. 2. stay home from shopping or 3. go knowing that I was leaving behind a potentially disastrous situation.
Another recent example occurred on Christmas Eve, when I had twenty four essays that I had to grade and return that day. Barney was aware of the situation, but he spent the morning at the gym, followed by a movie, followed by a soccer match outside (no kids allowed). This meant that I had to spend all of my time grading and trying to care for my children at the same time and thus was completely unable to help cook or clean dinner. I feel like this makes the other girls resent me and feel like I do not contribute to my share of the responsibilities.
These types of situations literally occur multiple times a day when we stay with Barney's family, so I will only offer up one other example from this trip on the assumption that I have hopefully given a pretty clear picture of how things stand. One of the days we were here (they are all starting to run together), it was Barney's day to get up with the children, which he did without complaint. I got an extra hour and a half of sleep (and gratefully so) on the assumption that he was downstairs taking care of the children. However, when I got up and went downstairs, I learned that Barney had gone with a couple of the other guys to work out, leaving his mother and any other girls who were awake to take care of our children in addition to their own. While I had no idea that this was the situation, I feel like it made me look like I was shirking off my childrearing responsibilities while just assuming that someone else would take care of the kids for me.
Barney feels totally justified in his actions. I think that this is in part because none of the other wives seem to take nearly as much umbrage to things as they currently stand. I have theories about why this is (and all of them could be self-justification, I am coming to realize). But, I'm going to explain them anyway. There are four sisters and two daughter-in-laws in the family, including me. Of these six, only two of us work full time. The sister who works full-time is single and has no children. All of the rest are stay-at-home wives whose primary responsibility is caring for the children (though others two do work part time from home). I am the only woman who has to work when we are on these trips, and so I am the only person who actually assumes a lot more responsibility than normal when we are here versus when we are at home. For everyone else, being here is actually less responsibility because of the collective nature of taking care of the kids coupled with the relative lack of cooking and housework, which means that it is not a big deal that the guys' agenda rarely includes helping out with the children or any other domestic activities.
That is the situation as it stands, as explained to the best of my ability. My goal is to change my perspective of the situation, my attitude towards the way that his family operates, and my expectations of what I think I "deserve" when we are visiting my in-laws. Tomorrow I will write about my progress at this point and my attempts at bringing about positive change.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Day 15--An Attitude Adjustment
I don't quite know how to explain my current game plan for this week; on the one hand it is extremely simple (though by far the toughest goal I have ever set for myself), but on the other hand, it is the product of a lot of history and personal information that seems hard to explain. I will start with the simple. I am working on a project that will span several days. That project is to adjust my attitude towards a particular situation. What's complicated, of course, is the situation itself.
I heard someone say this weekend that the four areas in a marriage most like to cause serious problems are as follows: finances, communication, intimacy, and in-laws. Barney and I have most definitely had issues arise in our marriage related to all four areas, but the area that has caused the most consistent friction in our marriage relates to our extended families.
Please allow me to stress that this friction is not a product of either of us not liking or thinking well of each other's families. It is not even that we don't like spending time with each other's families; we both honestly like and enjoy our in-laws. The problem is, as clichéd as this sounds, complicated. Part of me hesitates to explain it because I am so deeply immersed in this issue that I cannot be sure if I will make myself look like an idiot, make Barney look bad, or both. And to be honest, I would prefer not to do either of those things. However, my project for the rest of this week hinges on an explanation, so I feel I must try.
I know that I have recently commented that Barney is very close to his family; in fact, he comes from a very large and very close-knitted family. The friction initially arose for two reasons: 1. when we are with Barney's family, I never felt like I fit in, and 2. when we are with Barney's family, I have always felt like I come second to him behind his family, particularly his brothers. These two feelings were particularly strong in our early years of dating and marriage, and as a result I had a very hard time being myself around his family. I am not sure that I have ever learned to be completely comfortable or completely myself around them. I think I simultaneously try too hard while also remaining too aloof so as not to feel rejected. This is particularly true of my interactions with his four sisters.
As the years have passed, there was been definite improvements in this area. I will always remember one Easter where I broke down and sobbed the entire way there because I was so tense and stressed out and nervous about going. I would stay up late for several nights before we were supposed to see his family, working out strategies for how to handle the stress and fear. This is no longer true at all, and I think that a large part of this is due to the fact that we now have children, who I am able to focus on as a commonality between myself and Barney's family. It could also be because I am so confident of their love and acceptance of our children that it makes acceptance of me much less important. Obviously, I'm still working out exactly how I fit in here.
The thing is that if you were to ask Barney about all of this and were able to somehow convince him to be completely honest about the situation, I think he would tell you two things. First, he would tell you that the children and I are always his top priority, even if he prefers to spend the majority of his time hanging out with his brothers when we are visiting his family. Second, he would tell you that the reason that I don't fit in is self-imposed because of my inability to just be myself around his family. (I have come to believe that there is definitely some truth in this). I'm not sure we've ever had a completely honest conversation about this situation, though we are both well aware that it exists and have had many conversations/fights around the issues that have cropped up as a result of the underlying issue. So I could be completely wrong about what he would say.
The trip we are currently on is the longest visit we have ever had to his parent's house, and the issues have continuously popped up throughout our stay here. I have made ongoing attempts to diffuse situations, suppress anger, and let things go. However, I have started to worry that eventually George and Olivia will be old enough to pick up on the situation, and that is something I would like to avoid at all costs. I don't want them to ever feel like they have to choose sides or that being around extended family causes friction.
I have tried for over eight years to figure out how to resolve this situation, and my solutions have always, always involved figuring out how to change Barney and to make him see just how unjust my situation was. My thoughts on this whole situation have involved a lot of finger pointing, self-pity, and righteous anger.
As I have worked on my goal for this year during our time in Houston, I have come to a big conclusion. There is only one surefire way to fix this situation permanently, and that is to completely adjust my own attitude. I can only change myself, so if I want all of this to improve, then that is what I have to do.
So for the next week (and really for a long time after that I'm sure), I will be working on a complete attitude adjustment on my situation. I will post each day on how it goes and what strategies I employ.
I heard someone say this weekend that the four areas in a marriage most like to cause serious problems are as follows: finances, communication, intimacy, and in-laws. Barney and I have most definitely had issues arise in our marriage related to all four areas, but the area that has caused the most consistent friction in our marriage relates to our extended families.
Please allow me to stress that this friction is not a product of either of us not liking or thinking well of each other's families. It is not even that we don't like spending time with each other's families; we both honestly like and enjoy our in-laws. The problem is, as clichéd as this sounds, complicated. Part of me hesitates to explain it because I am so deeply immersed in this issue that I cannot be sure if I will make myself look like an idiot, make Barney look bad, or both. And to be honest, I would prefer not to do either of those things. However, my project for the rest of this week hinges on an explanation, so I feel I must try.
I know that I have recently commented that Barney is very close to his family; in fact, he comes from a very large and very close-knitted family. The friction initially arose for two reasons: 1. when we are with Barney's family, I never felt like I fit in, and 2. when we are with Barney's family, I have always felt like I come second to him behind his family, particularly his brothers. These two feelings were particularly strong in our early years of dating and marriage, and as a result I had a very hard time being myself around his family. I am not sure that I have ever learned to be completely comfortable or completely myself around them. I think I simultaneously try too hard while also remaining too aloof so as not to feel rejected. This is particularly true of my interactions with his four sisters.
As the years have passed, there was been definite improvements in this area. I will always remember one Easter where I broke down and sobbed the entire way there because I was so tense and stressed out and nervous about going. I would stay up late for several nights before we were supposed to see his family, working out strategies for how to handle the stress and fear. This is no longer true at all, and I think that a large part of this is due to the fact that we now have children, who I am able to focus on as a commonality between myself and Barney's family. It could also be because I am so confident of their love and acceptance of our children that it makes acceptance of me much less important. Obviously, I'm still working out exactly how I fit in here.
The thing is that if you were to ask Barney about all of this and were able to somehow convince him to be completely honest about the situation, I think he would tell you two things. First, he would tell you that the children and I are always his top priority, even if he prefers to spend the majority of his time hanging out with his brothers when we are visiting his family. Second, he would tell you that the reason that I don't fit in is self-imposed because of my inability to just be myself around his family. (I have come to believe that there is definitely some truth in this). I'm not sure we've ever had a completely honest conversation about this situation, though we are both well aware that it exists and have had many conversations/fights around the issues that have cropped up as a result of the underlying issue. So I could be completely wrong about what he would say.
The trip we are currently on is the longest visit we have ever had to his parent's house, and the issues have continuously popped up throughout our stay here. I have made ongoing attempts to diffuse situations, suppress anger, and let things go. However, I have started to worry that eventually George and Olivia will be old enough to pick up on the situation, and that is something I would like to avoid at all costs. I don't want them to ever feel like they have to choose sides or that being around extended family causes friction.
I have tried for over eight years to figure out how to resolve this situation, and my solutions have always, always involved figuring out how to change Barney and to make him see just how unjust my situation was. My thoughts on this whole situation have involved a lot of finger pointing, self-pity, and righteous anger.
As I have worked on my goal for this year during our time in Houston, I have come to a big conclusion. There is only one surefire way to fix this situation permanently, and that is to completely adjust my own attitude. I can only change myself, so if I want all of this to improve, then that is what I have to do.
So for the next week (and really for a long time after that I'm sure), I will be working on a complete attitude adjustment on my situation. I will post each day on how it goes and what strategies I employ.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Day 14--Two Week Mile Marker
Today is Christmas! Christmas is always one of my very favorite holidays of the year, and today was an especially good one. We had a great time with the family as we worshipped together, opened presents, and ate lots of great food. It was especially fun to watch Robby and his cousin enjoy the presents this afternoon.
I have thought quite a lot about the project today, I think in part because I've hit the two week mile mark. But, in particular today, I've been thinking about expectations. Christmas used to be something of a struggle for me. I used to see all of those beautifully wrapped presents under the tree and see much more than what was actually there. The presents would go on to ultimately reveal things like new clothes, new gadgets or toys, new books, etc. Sometimes I would love and be excited about the presents; sometimes the presents were inevitably something that I was not particularly fond of. Ultimately though, no matter how many presents I would get or how much I liked them all collectively, Christmas afternoon would usher in feelings of being let down.
The problem was that I wasn't really seeing the gift giving aspect of Christmas as a way for loved ones to express their appreciation of one another. I was seeing it as a potentially game changing day. Surely something under that tree was going to offer me an intangible ticket to something more, to more happiness, to a better life. Of course that never happened. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate the gift exchange for what it is and to take pleasure in the giving as much as the receiving. I've learned that the gift exchanges are meant to be opportunities to show how much we care for and appreciate those whom we love and share our lives with.
This project, however, has interesting ramifications in terms of my struggle with gifts and expectations. On the one hand, the overarching and obvious goal of this project is to find ways to show how much I care for and appreciate Barney. And, I am doing it in a way so as to not build expectations for Barney at all. However, I definitely have expectations myself; I want this project to somehow be transformative of both my marriage and myself. Today though I've been thinking that if I persist in that style of thinking, the project will be crippled from the outset. I need to remember that what makes this project is its very simplicity. If there are larger outcomes than just finding a way to make Barney's day brighter each day, then that is amazing. But for now, I am just going to focus on the small goals.
p.s. You might have noticed that I didn't discuss my goal for today. Some things must stay between man and wife, so all I'm going to say is that I had a goal for today, and I was able to meet it.
I have thought quite a lot about the project today, I think in part because I've hit the two week mile mark. But, in particular today, I've been thinking about expectations. Christmas used to be something of a struggle for me. I used to see all of those beautifully wrapped presents under the tree and see much more than what was actually there. The presents would go on to ultimately reveal things like new clothes, new gadgets or toys, new books, etc. Sometimes I would love and be excited about the presents; sometimes the presents were inevitably something that I was not particularly fond of. Ultimately though, no matter how many presents I would get or how much I liked them all collectively, Christmas afternoon would usher in feelings of being let down.
The problem was that I wasn't really seeing the gift giving aspect of Christmas as a way for loved ones to express their appreciation of one another. I was seeing it as a potentially game changing day. Surely something under that tree was going to offer me an intangible ticket to something more, to more happiness, to a better life. Of course that never happened. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate the gift exchange for what it is and to take pleasure in the giving as much as the receiving. I've learned that the gift exchanges are meant to be opportunities to show how much we care for and appreciate those whom we love and share our lives with.
This project, however, has interesting ramifications in terms of my struggle with gifts and expectations. On the one hand, the overarching and obvious goal of this project is to find ways to show how much I care for and appreciate Barney. And, I am doing it in a way so as to not build expectations for Barney at all. However, I definitely have expectations myself; I want this project to somehow be transformative of both my marriage and myself. Today though I've been thinking that if I persist in that style of thinking, the project will be crippled from the outset. I need to remember that what makes this project is its very simplicity. If there are larger outcomes than just finding a way to make Barney's day brighter each day, then that is amazing. But for now, I am just going to focus on the small goals.
p.s. You might have noticed that I didn't discuss my goal for today. Some things must stay between man and wife, so all I'm going to say is that I had a goal for today, and I was able to meet it.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Day 12--A Merry Christmas Eve
My gift for today was totally and completely out of character for me. It was not only something that I would normally never think to do, it was something that I probably would have actively avoided in the past. I went out first thing this morning and braved the Christmas Eve shopping madness to buy Barney a new Xbox controller. (Okay, to be honest, it was not as bad as I feared, but I was willing to go fight it out not knowing that).
Last night literally while I was typing my post, I heard the boys upstairs upset because one of their controllers was broken, meaning that only three guys could play games at a time instead of the four who usually play. I normally get very tired of them playing video games constantly when we are in Houston, but for some reason, I just decided to get them the controller they needed.
So, as soon as Olivia went down for her nap, I made an excuse to head to Target. I asked Barney to listen for her to wake up and to take care of George. Instead, he made plans to go out and about himself, assuring me that someone would be around and would watch our kids. Nothing makes me madder than when he does this to me when we are at his parents' house, and I was especially mad because I was going to go run this specific errand for him (which he obviously didn't know, but still). Nonetheless, I ran my errand and got him the controller that they needed.
I was pretty nervous about whether or not he would be happy with my purchase because his console and controllers are white, and after looking at two stores, I could only find one controller. It was black. And, I think he is only missing some connector component for his broken controller; I thought that he might not ultimately want the entire new controller. But, when I finally saw him about five hours later and told him that I got it for him, he was very happy and immediately told the rest of the guys about it. It has since and already been well used. In the long run, I'm pleased with how today went and hope that tomorrow will have some magic in it as well.
Also, for the record, I spent $50 on the controller--a huge chunk of my overall budget.
Last night literally while I was typing my post, I heard the boys upstairs upset because one of their controllers was broken, meaning that only three guys could play games at a time instead of the four who usually play. I normally get very tired of them playing video games constantly when we are in Houston, but for some reason, I just decided to get them the controller they needed.
So, as soon as Olivia went down for her nap, I made an excuse to head to Target. I asked Barney to listen for her to wake up and to take care of George. Instead, he made plans to go out and about himself, assuring me that someone would be around and would watch our kids. Nothing makes me madder than when he does this to me when we are at his parents' house, and I was especially mad because I was going to go run this specific errand for him (which he obviously didn't know, but still). Nonetheless, I ran my errand and got him the controller that they needed.
I was pretty nervous about whether or not he would be happy with my purchase because his console and controllers are white, and after looking at two stores, I could only find one controller. It was black. And, I think he is only missing some connector component for his broken controller; I thought that he might not ultimately want the entire new controller. But, when I finally saw him about five hours later and told him that I got it for him, he was very happy and immediately told the rest of the guys about it. It has since and already been well used. In the long run, I'm pleased with how today went and hope that tomorrow will have some magic in it as well.
Also, for the record, I spent $50 on the controller--a huge chunk of my overall budget.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Day 11--Houston We've Landed
Well, we've made it to Houston, where Barney's family resides. We both got up at the same time this morning, and after a very abortive attempt at getting some grading done, I moved on to getting us ready. It took far longer than I hoped, but we left our house around 11:00. In the interest of total disclosure, I should admit was pretty well into panic mode and right at the end of my rope by about 10:30 because I was really scared we would end up in heavy rush hour traffic, which would have been disastrous for the children. But, we survived my panic and then the traffic and got here around 4:00. It was a long trip, but we made it in one piece.
As predicted (in my head--which still totally counts), I chose to play games with the family and am just now sitting down (at 11:00pm) to grade essays that I need to return tonight. However, it has been worth it to see Barney living it up with his brothers and to spend quality time hanging out with all of them. The children have been in hog heaven tonight as well--cousins, grandparents, uncles & aunts, and food galore.
I am looking forward to the change of scenery for new opportunities for fun ways to treat Barney. I'm blessed to be married to an honest to goodness family man, who is dedicated not just to me and to the children but to his extended family as well. Spending nine days with his family is probably the best Christmas present we could ever give him, and I know that each day will be special for him even if I don't do anything at all. I'm just hoping to be the icing on the cake.
That just gave me a good idea for tomorrow, so I guess that means I should move on to essays. Or, I could write more and procrastinate the inevitable a little bit longer, or I could just get it over with, or . . . . okay! I'm leaving. I swear. Right now. No you hang up first. No you. Okay, same time. You're still there. No really, I have to go. Okay, this is it for real.
.....are you still there?? I can't believe you hung up first!
As predicted (in my head--which still totally counts), I chose to play games with the family and am just now sitting down (at 11:00pm) to grade essays that I need to return tonight. However, it has been worth it to see Barney living it up with his brothers and to spend quality time hanging out with all of them. The children have been in hog heaven tonight as well--cousins, grandparents, uncles & aunts, and food galore.
I am looking forward to the change of scenery for new opportunities for fun ways to treat Barney. I'm blessed to be married to an honest to goodness family man, who is dedicated not just to me and to the children but to his extended family as well. Spending nine days with his family is probably the best Christmas present we could ever give him, and I know that each day will be special for him even if I don't do anything at all. I'm just hoping to be the icing on the cake.
That just gave me a good idea for tomorrow, so I guess that means I should move on to essays. Or, I could write more and procrastinate the inevitable a little bit longer, or I could just get it over with, or . . . . okay! I'm leaving. I swear. Right now. No you hang up first. No you. Okay, same time. You're still there. No really, I have to go. Okay, this is it for real.
.....are you still there?? I can't believe you hung up first!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Day 10--A Harried Day
I'm not sure that I have stopped to take a break for more than 5 minutes at any given point in the two days that we've been home from my parent's house (outside of my brief evening siesta last evening). Yesterday was dedicated to working and preparing for today, which was our family Christmas for Barney, myself, and the kids. It was a great time, though I wish we'd had more time to enjoy it.
I tried to slip in some work this morning but spent most of the day with last minute shopping and then lots of wrapping for both our Christmas and the gift exchange with Barney's family for later this week. We head to Barney's parent's house tomorrow. My goal for today and tomorrow was to get as much done to allow Barney to leave first thing tomorrow morning. He is so excited to see his family and to hang out with his brothers, one of whom he has not seen in six months. This is a two-day goal because so much of the preparation for leaving tomorrow had to come into play today.
I have worked until I am ready to drop. After putting the last bow on the last present at 11:30 this evening, I took a quick shower and headed downstairs to grade for an hour. Then, I will wake up in the morning and pack, grade, and try to get our house in showing condition before we try to engage the holiday traffic for the four and a half hour trip to the in-laws.
I had really, really hoped to have all of my grading complete before we left so that once we got to his parent's house, I could just hang out with the family and participate in all of the festivities. From where I am sitting right now, it does not look like that is going to happen, sadly. But, I am going to go ahead and forge on with my plan to leave early because I know that is what Barney really, really wants. And, if I have to grade instead of just hanging out for a few hours, that is just going to be okay with me.
New plan is to nap in the car so that I can stay awake later tomorrow night to do my grading. All this requires is two cooperative toddlers. Hey--stop being cynical! It could happen--tis the season for holiday miracles :)
I tried to slip in some work this morning but spent most of the day with last minute shopping and then lots of wrapping for both our Christmas and the gift exchange with Barney's family for later this week. We head to Barney's parent's house tomorrow. My goal for today and tomorrow was to get as much done to allow Barney to leave first thing tomorrow morning. He is so excited to see his family and to hang out with his brothers, one of whom he has not seen in six months. This is a two-day goal because so much of the preparation for leaving tomorrow had to come into play today.
I have worked until I am ready to drop. After putting the last bow on the last present at 11:30 this evening, I took a quick shower and headed downstairs to grade for an hour. Then, I will wake up in the morning and pack, grade, and try to get our house in showing condition before we try to engage the holiday traffic for the four and a half hour trip to the in-laws.
I had really, really hoped to have all of my grading complete before we left so that once we got to his parent's house, I could just hang out with the family and participate in all of the festivities. From where I am sitting right now, it does not look like that is going to happen, sadly. But, I am going to go ahead and forge on with my plan to leave early because I know that is what Barney really, really wants. And, if I have to grade instead of just hanging out for a few hours, that is just going to be okay with me.
New plan is to nap in the car so that I can stay awake later tomorrow night to do my grading. All this requires is two cooperative toddlers. Hey--stop being cynical! It could happen--tis the season for holiday miracles :)
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Day 9--A Hairy Situation
My plan for today was to offer a service to my husband with a cheerful disposition rather than the begrudging attitude of obligation or resignation in which the service is usually performed. I am referring, of course, to the rather dubious requirement that I somehow have to trim his neck about once a month. I hate trimming Barney's neck for two reasons: 1. it is super messy and 2. he is super picky about it.
The idea was to offer to trim his neck this evening after the kids were in bed, but before I could even offer, he made the request himself. While I was disappointed that I didn't get to offer up the idea, I at least was able to cheerfully agree rather than putting it off for several days with one excuse or another, which is more of our normal routine.
However, despite this gesture, today felt more like a day of receiving rather than a day of of giving for me. Barney was very sweet today, bringing me Chick-fil-a for breakfast, going shopping with me for last minute Christmas items, and, best of all, allowing me about 30 minutes of rest time on the couch this evening while he played with the kids upstairs.
This project has had interesting and unintended side-effects regarding the concept of being on the receiving end of a gift of kindness from Barney. Sometimes, like the day when I asked to sleep in, I feel like I am somehow "owed" by Barney because I am trying to do things for him on such a regular basis. Then, I can start to feel resentful that something didn't go my way. Other times though, I become uncomfortable when he does something nice for me because it feels like I should be always one step ahead of him in terms of being sweet. I told you that I'm a competitive person, and I think that somehow I imagine that there's an invisible tally being kept that records the number of nice things he does for me per day against the number of nice things that I do for him. And I have to be on top at all times.
I know that there is a lesson to be learned here, and I can only hope that as this expirement progresses that I will start to have a clearer understanding of what it is that I need to learn.
The idea was to offer to trim his neck this evening after the kids were in bed, but before I could even offer, he made the request himself. While I was disappointed that I didn't get to offer up the idea, I at least was able to cheerfully agree rather than putting it off for several days with one excuse or another, which is more of our normal routine.
However, despite this gesture, today felt more like a day of receiving rather than a day of of giving for me. Barney was very sweet today, bringing me Chick-fil-a for breakfast, going shopping with me for last minute Christmas items, and, best of all, allowing me about 30 minutes of rest time on the couch this evening while he played with the kids upstairs.
This project has had interesting and unintended side-effects regarding the concept of being on the receiving end of a gift of kindness from Barney. Sometimes, like the day when I asked to sleep in, I feel like I am somehow "owed" by Barney because I am trying to do things for him on such a regular basis. Then, I can start to feel resentful that something didn't go my way. Other times though, I become uncomfortable when he does something nice for me because it feels like I should be always one step ahead of him in terms of being sweet. I told you that I'm a competitive person, and I think that somehow I imagine that there's an invisible tally being kept that records the number of nice things he does for me per day against the number of nice things that I do for him. And I have to be on top at all times.
I know that there is a lesson to be learned here, and I can only hope that as this expirement progresses that I will start to have a clearer understanding of what it is that I need to learn.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Day 8--Conscious Decisions
I think of giving as one of my love languages, something I inherited from my mother. I love to give gifts that I think will be meaningful or enjoyed by the recipient. However, I have realized in recent months that while I love to give gifts, I am not good at giving less tangible forms of gifts like outwardly showing gratitude, being physically affectionate, and in Barney's case, offering praise for his accomplishments. I tend to somehow think that my feelings towards those I love are understood and need not be voiced, though of course this isn't true. I’m not sure when or how this trend started, but it’s not one of my best features. My goal for today is the first step in reversing this bad habit (even worse than my Q-tip addiction from last year!)
So, today my goal was to outwardly express my appreciation for Barney whenever possible. I tried to pay careful attention to the events of the day as they progressed, and when I noticed things done well, I worked to vocalize acknowledgement of those things. I congratulated him on his golf game, complimented him on his Ticket to Ride Strategy (this was made much easier for me because happily I managed vindication with a win today after two brutal losses yesterday), and even remarked on how well he was able to pack the car to fit everything in as we headed home. None of these were major accomplishments, but getting noticed for the little things can make a big difference. I hope that soon remarking on these types of things will become second nature to me rather than something that requires deliberate and conscientious forethought. I also hope to improve in this area of my life with all of the people whom I love and not just with Barney.
So, today my goal was to outwardly express my appreciation for Barney whenever possible. I tried to pay careful attention to the events of the day as they progressed, and when I noticed things done well, I worked to vocalize acknowledgement of those things. I congratulated him on his golf game, complimented him on his Ticket to Ride Strategy (this was made much easier for me because happily I managed vindication with a win today after two brutal losses yesterday), and even remarked on how well he was able to pack the car to fit everything in as we headed home. None of these were major accomplishments, but getting noticed for the little things can make a big difference. I hope that soon remarking on these types of things will become second nature to me rather than something that requires deliberate and conscientious forethought. I also hope to improve in this area of my life with all of the people whom I love and not just with Barney.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Day 7--Christmas Festivities
Today was a madhouse day. We had early church this at the church where I grew up followed by lunch at my dad's restaurant. My grandparents also were in town for the day, and after the kids' afternoon nap time we had our family Christmas. It was a great (if not exhausting) day all around, but days like this are more difficult for me in terms of this project so far. Part of this is because there is already so much going on that is designed to be special, and part of this is because it is so far outside of our routine that it is hard to make a plan in advance.
The idea that I came up with last night was to make this a diaper and potty-time free day for Barney, and I almost succeeded. I got up this morning with Olivia even though that it was not technically my day so that I would have the first diaper of the day. When George got up, I made sure to take care of the morning potty routine. I changed the dirty diaper at the restaurant and handled the after-nap diaper and potty disaster for both kids.
Tonight though after the gifts were opened and while people we unwinding, apparently George had a bathroom issue that I knew nothing about that Barney handled. I am sad not to have reached my goal for the day, though my intentions never faltered.
This goal was the first goal where even if I had succeeded, Barney was highly unlikely to ever notice, in part because today was so crazy. But, I also think that we don't notice the diapers that we don't change--we only remember the ones that we do change. Thinking about that made me realize that happiness does not just come from the things that we get but also from the things that we are able to avoid, even if we are never aware that we have avoided them. That concept has opened me up to a whole new way of thinking about ideas for how to show kindness to my husband each day. Does that mean that I am armed with a great idea for tomorrow? Nope. Not even a mediocre idea come to that, but it does offer a new layer of opportunities that I can take advantage of in the future.
The more I pay attention, the more opportunities that I am seeing where I can improve as a wife and a partner. Part of this makes me really happy because I am learning how to be better, and part of it makes me sad to realize how many opportunities I have missed out on in the past that could have made my husband's day brighter. Barney is undoubtedly my life partner and the absolute love of my life; may that the seven years of marriage that we have under our belt now be just the tip of the iceberg. I pray that I will be able to one day look back at this year as the year that really marked an important period of growth and renewal in our relationship.
The idea that I came up with last night was to make this a diaper and potty-time free day for Barney, and I almost succeeded. I got up this morning with Olivia even though that it was not technically my day so that I would have the first diaper of the day. When George got up, I made sure to take care of the morning potty routine. I changed the dirty diaper at the restaurant and handled the after-nap diaper and potty disaster for both kids.
Tonight though after the gifts were opened and while people we unwinding, apparently George had a bathroom issue that I knew nothing about that Barney handled. I am sad not to have reached my goal for the day, though my intentions never faltered.
This goal was the first goal where even if I had succeeded, Barney was highly unlikely to ever notice, in part because today was so crazy. But, I also think that we don't notice the diapers that we don't change--we only remember the ones that we do change. Thinking about that made me realize that happiness does not just come from the things that we get but also from the things that we are able to avoid, even if we are never aware that we have avoided them. That concept has opened me up to a whole new way of thinking about ideas for how to show kindness to my husband each day. Does that mean that I am armed with a great idea for tomorrow? Nope. Not even a mediocre idea come to that, but it does offer a new layer of opportunities that I can take advantage of in the future.
The more I pay attention, the more opportunities that I am seeing where I can improve as a wife and a partner. Part of this makes me really happy because I am learning how to be better, and part of it makes me sad to realize how many opportunities I have missed out on in the past that could have made my husband's day brighter. Barney is undoubtedly my life partner and the absolute love of my life; may that the seven years of marriage that we have under our belt now be just the tip of the iceberg. I pray that I will be able to one day look back at this year as the year that really marked an important period of growth and renewal in our relationship.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Day 6--Total Knockout
I beat Barney in boxing on the Wii today. What--that doesn't sound like an act of kindness to you? I assure you that it is, for several reasons. I come from an extremely athletic family, am married to an athletic man, and have athletic in-laws. Pretty much every adult in our family would consider an afternoon of watching or playing sports to be an afternoon well spent. Everyone that is except for me. While I enjoy watching the NFL, it's literally the only sport that holds my attention for very long at all. One of my sister-in-laws mentioned to me recently that she is actually counting down the days until the next Olympics start. I could only blankly stare back at her. I still have no idea if the winter or summer Olympics are next, despite our conversation that was probably less than two weeks ago. I'm unlikely to watch 10 total minutes of the next Olympics. When either side of the family decides to have a family sports game, they know better than to even ask if I plan to join in. There are two reasons for this:
1. I am not athletically built (too little), and I have no hand-eye coordination. Exercise is just above cutting my lawn with my toe nail clippers in terms of activities I am prone to enjoy.
2. I am hyper-ultra competitive. When I tried to think of someone who is more competitive than me, I started having a mental challenge against my imaginary person to see if we could determine who is the most competitive.
So, basically playing sports is just a way to lose (which I hate) while actively exercising (which is almost as bad). Then, for the Wii, you throw in playing a video game, which I also am not a fan of, specifically because I am not good at it--hence, I am likely to lose.
But, whenever the Wii gets brought out, I always know that Barney wants me to join in. He doesn't make a big deal, but he always invites to play me in a way that lets me know the invitations are sincere. I decided to challenge him this morning, and I was right--he was very excited. The fact that I won was either a: an anomaly or b. intentional on his part. It was certainly no testament to skill or ability on my part.
It was more fun than I expected despite being embarrassingly exhausting. I might even play him in it again tomorrow. Agreeing to participate in activities that he enjoys but that I would normally avoid is definitely high on my priority list for this year. Within reason of course. ;)
1. I am not athletically built (too little), and I have no hand-eye coordination. Exercise is just above cutting my lawn with my toe nail clippers in terms of activities I am prone to enjoy.
2. I am hyper-ultra competitive. When I tried to think of someone who is more competitive than me, I started having a mental challenge against my imaginary person to see if we could determine who is the most competitive.
So, basically playing sports is just a way to lose (which I hate) while actively exercising (which is almost as bad). Then, for the Wii, you throw in playing a video game, which I also am not a fan of, specifically because I am not good at it--hence, I am likely to lose.
But, whenever the Wii gets brought out, I always know that Barney wants me to join in. He doesn't make a big deal, but he always invites to play me in a way that lets me know the invitations are sincere. I decided to challenge him this morning, and I was right--he was very excited. The fact that I won was either a: an anomaly or b. intentional on his part. It was certainly no testament to skill or ability on my part.
It was more fun than I expected despite being embarrassingly exhausting. I might even play him in it again tomorrow. Agreeing to participate in activities that he enjoys but that I would normally avoid is definitely high on my priority list for this year. Within reason of course. ;)
Friday, December 17, 2010
Day 5--A Better Day
Today didn't start off much better than yesterday in terms of my mood or attitude. When I woke up, we were already behind in getting prepared to head to my parent's house, and I was cra-a-nky (three syllables worth of cranky). But as I got dressed, I took some time to quiet my soul and to remind myself of the real purpose behind this experiment, which is not to meet some goal or to get some post taken care of. The goal is to improve my relationship with my husband and to find ways each day to make his life a little bit brighter.
So, with that in mind, I called an audible and changed from my original plan for today to a plan that is well outside of my comfort zone. I decided to take one of Barney's Christmas presents to my parent's house and to give it to him today rather than saving it for our designated gift exchange day on the 22nd. That might not sound radical, but I have always had a weird tic about not liking to give or receive presents early--I think it has to do with some ancient hoarding instinct (I like to see the pile all at once).
Upon arrival at my parent's house then, I found an excuse to present him with a new board game (Ticket to Ride), and I found ways to ask my family in private beforehand to play with him. He was extremely excited and happy to play. We played twice, with Barney winning the first and me winning the second. Getting to play this game made the day go from somewhat boring to something to look forward to for Barney, and that is exactly the type of outcome that I am hoping for here.
There were no life shattering revelations today, nor was our relationship altered in any significant way. But, I found a way to bring a sustained smile to my husband's face. And for me, today, that was more than enough.
So, with that in mind, I called an audible and changed from my original plan for today to a plan that is well outside of my comfort zone. I decided to take one of Barney's Christmas presents to my parent's house and to give it to him today rather than saving it for our designated gift exchange day on the 22nd. That might not sound radical, but I have always had a weird tic about not liking to give or receive presents early--I think it has to do with some ancient hoarding instinct (I like to see the pile all at once).
Upon arrival at my parent's house then, I found an excuse to present him with a new board game (Ticket to Ride), and I found ways to ask my family in private beforehand to play with him. He was extremely excited and happy to play. We played twice, with Barney winning the first and me winning the second. Getting to play this game made the day go from somewhat boring to something to look forward to for Barney, and that is exactly the type of outcome that I am hoping for here.
There were no life shattering revelations today, nor was our relationship altered in any significant way. But, I found a way to bring a sustained smile to my husband's face. And for me, today, that was more than enough.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Day 4--Keepin' it Real
I was confident in my plan for today, which involved making the kids' lunches for school. Lunches are one of Barney's regular responsibilities, and he has mentioned on a couple of fairly recent occasions that it would be nice if I pitched in to help. He always makes them in the mornings, last thing before it is time to head out the door, but I decided to make them last night and did just that. They were ready and waiting when we got up this morning then, which was good because I knew that today was going to be a crazy day (and it was).
Tomorrow morning, we are heading to my parent's house to celebrate Christmas with my side of the family, and I had a lot of stuff on today's to-do list as a result. When I was falling into bed last night completely exhausted and sad that it was my fourth night in a row to be up until after 1:00am, I decided to check with Barney in the morning to see if he would take the morning shift and let me sleep in exchange for taking the next two days in a row. I thought I might have a good chance at success with this based on the way that yesterday went. But, I asked and was denied. (I shouldn't resent him for this because it was his day to sleep in, and I would not want to give it up any more than he did. Sometimes we resent even when we know better).
So, this morning when he finally rolled out of bed at 9:00am with over nine and a half hours of sleep under his belt, while I had been up for two hours with less than six hours of sleep, my mood was less than charitable. The best I could do was to avoid him so as not to speak harshly or to pick a fight, which I was kind of itching to do (like I said--I'm keeping it real here). Thus, when he found the lunches, I am pretty sure that he was well aware of my mood at this point and the moment went by without comment.
I struggled throughout the whole day today to get back my positive spirit of the days before today, and I never really succeeded. My hypothesis after today's results is that my mood plays as much a role in this experiment as my little gifts. A gift given in a surly mood, no matter how thoughtful or good the gift, does not seem to compare to a gift given in the right spirit.
So, I am off to bed and to try to come up with my plan for tomorrow to get things back on track. Hopefully I will quickly rebound!
Tomorrow morning, we are heading to my parent's house to celebrate Christmas with my side of the family, and I had a lot of stuff on today's to-do list as a result. When I was falling into bed last night completely exhausted and sad that it was my fourth night in a row to be up until after 1:00am, I decided to check with Barney in the morning to see if he would take the morning shift and let me sleep in exchange for taking the next two days in a row. I thought I might have a good chance at success with this based on the way that yesterday went. But, I asked and was denied. (I shouldn't resent him for this because it was his day to sleep in, and I would not want to give it up any more than he did. Sometimes we resent even when we know better).
So, this morning when he finally rolled out of bed at 9:00am with over nine and a half hours of sleep under his belt, while I had been up for two hours with less than six hours of sleep, my mood was less than charitable. The best I could do was to avoid him so as not to speak harshly or to pick a fight, which I was kind of itching to do (like I said--I'm keeping it real here). Thus, when he found the lunches, I am pretty sure that he was well aware of my mood at this point and the moment went by without comment.
I struggled throughout the whole day today to get back my positive spirit of the days before today, and I never really succeeded. My hypothesis after today's results is that my mood plays as much a role in this experiment as my little gifts. A gift given in a surly mood, no matter how thoughtful or good the gift, does not seem to compare to a gift given in the right spirit.
So, I am off to bed and to try to come up with my plan for tomorrow to get things back on track. Hopefully I will quickly rebound!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Day 3--Surprising Results
I knew I stayed up way too late last night working on this blog because as soon as I finished and walked into the bathroom, I knocked over and broke a decorative vase, waking up Barney and scaring him half to death. But, I was feeling pretty confident about my project, enough so that I confided in two people, sharing the link to this blog with them.
When I woke up this morning though, I had immediate doubts--my idea was dumb, my confidants were going to laugh at me, and Barney was going to find my planned daily gesture to be trivial at best. However, as I got up and began working around the house, I screwed my courage to the wall (I just love that phrase) and decided to stick with my original plan.
My plan was to send the above e-card (there's a five year age span between the two of us) with a note telling B just how proud I am of him and how much I love him. Barney's company is having a very good month (he's a small business owner). In addition, he's working on his MBA (for which I am very proud), and his current class has proven to be more challenging than expected. Needless to say he's a busy guy right now. I wanted to give him a pat on the back to let him know I notice how much he's doing and how well it's going.
So, while he was on one of his many work calls for the day, I took the opportunity to write and send my card. When Barney checked that email account a while later, he was visibly touched, which honestly surprised me. My dad told once me that one of the best things I could do for my husband would be to take the time to consciously praise him for the things he is getting right. Obviously, it's good advice and something I need to try more often.
A while later, I noticed that Barney was getting pretty discouraged by an assignment for class, so I offered to go with him to try out happy hour at a new Mexican place by our house. We got there only to discover that happy hour would not start for a while, and while we didn't want to splurge for a $9.50 margarita, we stayed and had some good food. On the way out, he took my hand and then continued holding it in the car. While this is not unheard of by any means, it is not necessarily standard operating procedure these days either. I felt like there was a strong possibility that it was in some way a reaction to my behavior modifications of the last few days.
Though I'm only three days into this, I feel like both our attitudes have changed in small but significant ways. When Barney was on a lengthy call tonight at the same time that I was trying to make multiple loaves of zucchini bread, I got frustrated, but my urge to take out that frustration on him or to yell at him was much less than it would normally be. Ultimately, I never even mentioned it to him. Then, when I was heading out to the store to get a missing ingredient, he insisted on going for me so I could stay and finish up in the kitchen.
At this point, I am more and more excited to see how this will all pan out. With that in mind, I have already put into place my gesture for tomorrow. I've also come up with a mental list of possible future ideas and one additional rule:
4. The budget for this project for the year is $300, which breaks down to $25 per month or less than a dollar per day. The budget can be spent at any point in whatever way is deemed best, but if I reach the maximum limit and the year has not ended, then all future days will have to require acts that do not include any outside cost.
I decided to set this rule because some of my ideas will likely involve spending some money, which I didn't want to see get out of hand. However, my sort of secret goal is to not spend anywhere near my available limit.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Day 2--A Step in the Right Direction
As I mentioned in my post for yesterday, I came up with a plan during my nightly bath for my first deliberate act of kindness--Tuesday is trash day, and Barney always, always takes out the trashes. So, I decided to take out the trash for him. A small gesture to be sure, but I thought it was a good first start.
We alternate days where we get up with the kids while the other person gets in an extra hour of sleep (we are both night owls and rarely head to bed before midnight, so the 7:00am wake up call hits early for us). So, when my alarm (and by alarm, I mean the squawking sounds coming from my daughter's room) woke me up, my first impulse was to bury my head just a bit deeper under the covers. But, the squawks were not diminishing, and I had to get up. This probably sounds strange, but I motivated myself to get up by reminding myself that today was trash day, and I was going to get to take out the trash.
Somewhat willingly, I managed to roll out of bed and change my daughter (let's call her Olivia), and we headed downstairs to start our morning routine. My tea was soon brewing, and the children's clothes were laid out. I tended to the downstairs trash and had some playtime with O. Once George (my son) woke up, I started the cinnamon rolls and headed upstairs to take care of all of the trashes (including the diaper pail--which I hate, hate, hate), except for the ones in our bedroom.
Once the cinnamon rolls were ready, I got them iced, and the three of us headed upstairs to wake up Daddy. While the children roused him out of bed, I quickly took care of the trashes, completely unsure as to whether or not he even noticed. He came downstairs and had breakfast with us, and then it was time to start getting the kids ready for school. No mention was made about the trashes by either of us, and at this point I was debating whether or not to tell him that I took them out because he does sometimes forget about trash day, and he might not ever notice at all.
But, then fate intervened in the form of a dirty diaper. While I was changing it, Barney took the offending item to put it in the garbage can in the garage, which of course was outside ready for the sanitation guys. He came back in and asked me if I took out the trashes today. I told him I did, and after a pause, he said "thanks." And, that was that.
I wasn't sure how he would react, so I wasn't necessarily expecting any certain reaction. After our exchange, I was glad that he had noticed on his own and was curious to see what else, if anything, might come of it. Soon, the children were at school, and we were both busy in our respective work days.
When lunchtime hit, Barney offered to make lunch, noting that I had done so much that morning. I, of course, accepted and had a very nice bagel sandwich with pickles and fruit on the side :). The project is not designed to garner return favors, but who am I to turn down a perk or two that might arise on certain occasions??
We alternate days where we get up with the kids while the other person gets in an extra hour of sleep (we are both night owls and rarely head to bed before midnight, so the 7:00am wake up call hits early for us). So, when my alarm (and by alarm, I mean the squawking sounds coming from my daughter's room) woke me up, my first impulse was to bury my head just a bit deeper under the covers. But, the squawks were not diminishing, and I had to get up. This probably sounds strange, but I motivated myself to get up by reminding myself that today was trash day, and I was going to get to take out the trash.
Somewhat willingly, I managed to roll out of bed and change my daughter (let's call her Olivia), and we headed downstairs to start our morning routine. My tea was soon brewing, and the children's clothes were laid out. I tended to the downstairs trash and had some playtime with O. Once George (my son) woke up, I started the cinnamon rolls and headed upstairs to take care of all of the trashes (including the diaper pail--which I hate, hate, hate), except for the ones in our bedroom.
Once the cinnamon rolls were ready, I got them iced, and the three of us headed upstairs to wake up Daddy. While the children roused him out of bed, I quickly took care of the trashes, completely unsure as to whether or not he even noticed. He came downstairs and had breakfast with us, and then it was time to start getting the kids ready for school. No mention was made about the trashes by either of us, and at this point I was debating whether or not to tell him that I took them out because he does sometimes forget about trash day, and he might not ever notice at all.
But, then fate intervened in the form of a dirty diaper. While I was changing it, Barney took the offending item to put it in the garbage can in the garage, which of course was outside ready for the sanitation guys. He came back in and asked me if I took out the trashes today. I told him I did, and after a pause, he said "thanks." And, that was that.
I wasn't sure how he would react, so I wasn't necessarily expecting any certain reaction. After our exchange, I was glad that he had noticed on his own and was curious to see what else, if anything, might come of it. Soon, the children were at school, and we were both busy in our respective work days.
When lunchtime hit, Barney offered to make lunch, noting that I had done so much that morning. I, of course, accepted and had a very nice bagel sandwich with pickles and fruit on the side :). The project is not designed to garner return favors, but who am I to turn down a perk or two that might arise on certain occasions??
Monday, December 13, 2010
Day 1--A Failed Experiment
So, Monday, December 13th was my first day to try out my little experiment. I will tell you now that I am writing this on Tuesday, December 14th because my first day resulted in the quick modification of my plans.
In starting out on my journey, I had simply a vague idea that I would look for opportunities to do something nice for Barney (as he shall be called henceforth). I did not have a deliberate plan; instead, it was more of a sense of trying to be nicer to him overall.
I don't want to give you guys the impression that I am not nice to him in general, but I think a little bit of background information might be apropos here. First, I am about 15 weeks pregnant as I type this. I had a very hard first trimester for a variety of reasons (not the least of which is probably the fact that I spend much of my time trying to wrangle in my three year old boy and one year old little girl). So, I have been exhausted on a daily basis and hormonal more often than I like to admit. Secondly, both my husband and I happen to have jobs that allow us to telecommute, which means that we spend most days in close proximity with one another. It's probably not super fun to be around a somewhat cranky and very tired preggo day in and day out. Things have been about me around here a lot lately, and I want to see that change.
So, back to Day 1. Throughout the day, I made small attempts at being nicer to Barney, such as stopping my tongue instead of criticizing his kitchen cleanup attempt, fixing him a simple breakfast (toasted cinnamon bagel) and cleaning up his dishes, and making hot chocolate for him after the kids were in bed. All of these things were nice, but they felt more like things I should be doing for him as his wife anyway, not like attempts to really show him how much he means to me.
During my nightly bath last night then, I started brainstorming on ways to make this project more viable in terms of improving my relationship with my husband and in terms of sustainability. So, I came up with this blog and with the idea that each day must include at least one deliberate and pre-meditated act on my part. I also came up with my idea for Day 2 . . .
In starting out on my journey, I had simply a vague idea that I would look for opportunities to do something nice for Barney (as he shall be called henceforth). I did not have a deliberate plan; instead, it was more of a sense of trying to be nicer to him overall.
I don't want to give you guys the impression that I am not nice to him in general, but I think a little bit of background information might be apropos here. First, I am about 15 weeks pregnant as I type this. I had a very hard first trimester for a variety of reasons (not the least of which is probably the fact that I spend much of my time trying to wrangle in my three year old boy and one year old little girl). So, I have been exhausted on a daily basis and hormonal more often than I like to admit. Secondly, both my husband and I happen to have jobs that allow us to telecommute, which means that we spend most days in close proximity with one another. It's probably not super fun to be around a somewhat cranky and very tired preggo day in and day out. Things have been about me around here a lot lately, and I want to see that change.
So, back to Day 1. Throughout the day, I made small attempts at being nicer to Barney, such as stopping my tongue instead of criticizing his kitchen cleanup attempt, fixing him a simple breakfast (toasted cinnamon bagel) and cleaning up his dishes, and making hot chocolate for him after the kids were in bed. All of these things were nice, but they felt more like things I should be doing for him as his wife anyway, not like attempts to really show him how much he means to me.
During my nightly bath last night then, I started brainstorming on ways to make this project more viable in terms of improving my relationship with my husband and in terms of sustainability. So, I came up with this blog and with the idea that each day must include at least one deliberate and pre-meditated act on my part. I also came up with my idea for Day 2 . . .
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The Concept Behind the Blog
A few days ago, I received the January edition of Real Simple magazine, which is devoted to fresh starts for the new year. It made me start to think about New Year's resolutions, which historically have not been something that roused much interest for me. However, for whatever reason in 2010 I set four goals for myself.
I openly admit that a couple of my goals for this year are somewhat embarrassing, but somehow I think that this won't be the last time that I admit to embarrassing things on this blog. My goals for last year included the following:
1. Read the Bible in a year
2. Brush my teeth every night in addition to my morning brushes
3. Stop using Q-tips to clean my ears every day (as this has resulted in a case of tinnitus that the doc says will likely be with me for life)
4. Cook or bake something new at least once a week
I've somehow managed to consistently meet the last three goals throughout this year. (I'm not proud to admit that I didn't make it the entire way through the Bible this year). But, I felt like three out of four was a pretty good success rate, so I decided to come up with some new challenges for 2011. After some deliberation, I finally settled on two:
1. Make sure to have dedicated prayer time with my children every single day
2. Perform at least one deliberate and pre-meditated act of kindness towards my husband each day in an effort to better express how much I love and appreciate him.
Though we are a few weeks away from January 1st, I have decided to start my resolutions now (I mean--why wait, right?) The first goal is pretty straight forward. But, my second one has proven to require a bit more planning. After a false start on Day 1, I've laid some ground rules for myself (subject to future editing as time progresses and the project gets more fully underway):
1. I believe that a marriage cannot succeed unless both parties are engaged in some sort of acts of kindness towards each other almost every day, if not every day. But, my goal is to step this up a notch by planning out in advance at least one idea per day that I can execute that will make my husband's day a little brighter or a little easier in addition to taking advantage of any other opportunities that may simply arise.
2. I don't want my husband to know anything about my goal. Somehow I feel like if he knew to expect something each day, the gestures might begin to feel diminished or insincere at some point. Plus, it seems to me that there's something about the element of surprise which can help turn a small gesture into a more memorable and meaningful one.
3. In order to hold myself accountable for my goal, I have decided to start this blog. My goal is to post an account for every day for at least 365 days. I'm slightly worried about how I will be able to get a post up every day without my husband ever catching me, but without some sort of accountability, I'm afraid that it will become all too easy to allow this project to fade.
My basic plan is that each day I will post a re-counting of my gesture as well as a breakdown of the results (if any).
And that, friends, is it in a nutshell :)
**One final caveat: Because I don't want my husband to know about this project, I will not be using our real names on here. If you read this blog and know our "true identities," please don't spill the beans:)
I openly admit that a couple of my goals for this year are somewhat embarrassing, but somehow I think that this won't be the last time that I admit to embarrassing things on this blog. My goals for last year included the following:
1. Read the Bible in a year
2. Brush my teeth every night in addition to my morning brushes
3. Stop using Q-tips to clean my ears every day (as this has resulted in a case of tinnitus that the doc says will likely be with me for life)
4. Cook or bake something new at least once a week
I've somehow managed to consistently meet the last three goals throughout this year. (I'm not proud to admit that I didn't make it the entire way through the Bible this year). But, I felt like three out of four was a pretty good success rate, so I decided to come up with some new challenges for 2011. After some deliberation, I finally settled on two:
1. Make sure to have dedicated prayer time with my children every single day
2. Perform at least one deliberate and pre-meditated act of kindness towards my husband each day in an effort to better express how much I love and appreciate him.
Though we are a few weeks away from January 1st, I have decided to start my resolutions now (I mean--why wait, right?) The first goal is pretty straight forward. But, my second one has proven to require a bit more planning. After a false start on Day 1, I've laid some ground rules for myself (subject to future editing as time progresses and the project gets more fully underway):
1. I believe that a marriage cannot succeed unless both parties are engaged in some sort of acts of kindness towards each other almost every day, if not every day. But, my goal is to step this up a notch by planning out in advance at least one idea per day that I can execute that will make my husband's day a little brighter or a little easier in addition to taking advantage of any other opportunities that may simply arise.
2. I don't want my husband to know anything about my goal. Somehow I feel like if he knew to expect something each day, the gestures might begin to feel diminished or insincere at some point. Plus, it seems to me that there's something about the element of surprise which can help turn a small gesture into a more memorable and meaningful one.
3. In order to hold myself accountable for my goal, I have decided to start this blog. My goal is to post an account for every day for at least 365 days. I'm slightly worried about how I will be able to get a post up every day without my husband ever catching me, but without some sort of accountability, I'm afraid that it will become all too easy to allow this project to fade.
My basic plan is that each day I will post a re-counting of my gesture as well as a breakdown of the results (if any).
And that, friends, is it in a nutshell :)
**One final caveat: Because I don't want my husband to know about this project, I will not be using our real names on here. If you read this blog and know our "true identities," please don't spill the beans:)
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