I don't quite know how to explain my current game plan for this week; on the one hand it is extremely simple (though by far the toughest goal I have ever set for myself), but on the other hand, it is the product of a lot of history and personal information that seems hard to explain. I will start with the simple. I am working on a project that will span several days. That project is to adjust my attitude towards a particular situation. What's complicated, of course, is the situation itself.
I heard someone say this weekend that the four areas in a marriage most like to cause serious problems are as follows: finances, communication, intimacy, and in-laws. Barney and I have most definitely had issues arise in our marriage related to all four areas, but the area that has caused the most consistent friction in our marriage relates to our extended families.
Please allow me to stress that this friction is not a product of either of us not liking or thinking well of each other's families. It is not even that we don't like spending time with each other's families; we both honestly like and enjoy our in-laws. The problem is, as clichéd as this sounds, complicated. Part of me hesitates to explain it because I am so deeply immersed in this issue that I cannot be sure if I will make myself look like an idiot, make Barney look bad, or both. And to be honest, I would prefer not to do either of those things. However, my project for the rest of this week hinges on an explanation, so I feel I must try.
I know that I have recently commented that Barney is very close to his family; in fact, he comes from a very large and very close-knitted family. The friction initially arose for two reasons: 1. when we are with Barney's family, I never felt like I fit in, and 2. when we are with Barney's family, I have always felt like I come second to him behind his family, particularly his brothers. These two feelings were particularly strong in our early years of dating and marriage, and as a result I had a very hard time being myself around his family. I am not sure that I have ever learned to be completely comfortable or completely myself around them. I think I simultaneously try too hard while also remaining too aloof so as not to feel rejected. This is particularly true of my interactions with his four sisters.
As the years have passed, there was been definite improvements in this area. I will always remember one Easter where I broke down and sobbed the entire way there because I was so tense and stressed out and nervous about going. I would stay up late for several nights before we were supposed to see his family, working out strategies for how to handle the stress and fear. This is no longer true at all, and I think that a large part of this is due to the fact that we now have children, who I am able to focus on as a commonality between myself and Barney's family. It could also be because I am so confident of their love and acceptance of our children that it makes acceptance of me much less important. Obviously, I'm still working out exactly how I fit in here.
The thing is that if you were to ask Barney about all of this and were able to somehow convince him to be completely honest about the situation, I think he would tell you two things. First, he would tell you that the children and I are always his top priority, even if he prefers to spend the majority of his time hanging out with his brothers when we are visiting his family. Second, he would tell you that the reason that I don't fit in is self-imposed because of my inability to just be myself around his family. (I have come to believe that there is definitely some truth in this). I'm not sure we've ever had a completely honest conversation about this situation, though we are both well aware that it exists and have had many conversations/fights around the issues that have cropped up as a result of the underlying issue. So I could be completely wrong about what he would say.
The trip we are currently on is the longest visit we have ever had to his parent's house, and the issues have continuously popped up throughout our stay here. I have made ongoing attempts to diffuse situations, suppress anger, and let things go. However, I have started to worry that eventually George and Olivia will be old enough to pick up on the situation, and that is something I would like to avoid at all costs. I don't want them to ever feel like they have to choose sides or that being around extended family causes friction.
I have tried for over eight years to figure out how to resolve this situation, and my solutions have always, always involved figuring out how to change Barney and to make him see just how unjust my situation was. My thoughts on this whole situation have involved a lot of finger pointing, self-pity, and righteous anger.
As I have worked on my goal for this year during our time in Houston, I have come to a big conclusion. There is only one surefire way to fix this situation permanently, and that is to completely adjust my own attitude. I can only change myself, so if I want all of this to improve, then that is what I have to do.
So for the next week (and really for a long time after that I'm sure), I will be working on a complete attitude adjustment on my situation. I will post each day on how it goes and what strategies I employ.
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