Dear Bryan

Dear Bryan,

I have been putting off this post all day because I still as I write am not sure exactly what to say.  I feel like I need some grand gesture to send off my project and labor of love for you for the last year.  As I reflect back on what I learned, I know this: my love for you has not changed except to grow exponentially with each passing day.  I don't know that I have managed to make sweeping changes in myself as a wife, though I know that I am no super-wife.  I believe that I have become more considerate and more aware of you and your needs and have learned to put us before me as part of my natural way of thinking.  I hope that I am providing a good example of what a wife should be for our daughter and that I am giving our sons ideas of the good things that they can expect from a marriage themselves one day without setting them up for expectations that their wives would hate me for :)  If nothing else, we can say that by the end of 2011, our regular side dish for steak has become mashed potatoes instead of boxed mac and cheese.  Knowing my lifelong aversion to potatoes, that should count for something right??

In all seriousness, my project may have ended today, but my ongoing desire to continue to improve my abilities as a wife has not.  I strive and pray to notice you more, to be attentive to your needs and desires, and to make us more important than me.  I am also striving to strengthen my personal relationship with my Savior, knowing that He must always be first in my life but that he gave you to me to be my second.  In 2012, I hope to continue to grow together as a couple, and it is my prayer that our growth will be in Him as much as in each other, for in that, our greatest strength must surely lay.

I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that you are the thing I am most grateful for on this earth, and my prayer each night is that we will one day celebrate our 50th anniversary together with all of our children by our side.  It is my fondest wish in this world, and I intended to enjoy each day with you that we are granted together, hopefully to that amazing landmark milestone and beyond.

Even after a year, I still cannot express to you how much I love you, but I promise to never quit trying.

You are my best friend, soul mate, and I love you so much.

I am ever yours,
Amy

It's Beginning to Look a lot like Christmas

Dearest Barney,

It is the holiday season again, and it has been so fun so far this year.  The children have loved Christmas this year, from putting up Christmas decorations to counting down on the advent calendar, the anticipation and joy in their faces has been so wonderful.

Christmas is always one of my favorite times of year with you, as I love the giving and receiving of presents from you, with each present designed to show our love and make the other one happy.  My "big" present to you this year is a wheelbarrow, with one each for both of our oldest children as well.  I love seeing you outside working in the yard with the children in tow.  It makes our new house feel like home in a way that our first house never quite did, even though it was very much our home.  There just feels like more of a sense of homeownership with this house.

I have several other odds and ends for you as well, but the other "big" gift that I have for you this year is a book of all of my writings and letters to you over the past year.  I will do one more post after this one, and then I will be hitting my one year mark, which will signal the close of this project, though certainly not the close of my determination to more carefully focus on you as a daily goal for the rest of my life.

I love you far more than I have ever adequately expressed in this project.

I am always, yours,

--me.

My Little Sickie

Dear Barney,

I have been sad to see you suffering from the seasonal stuff that hits us all from time to time, especially during the winter season.  I hate it when you are not at 100%, though I hope that I do a good job of taking care of you, just as you do for me whenever I am the one who is ill (which is definitely the more common dynamic as your immune system seems to withhold the common bugs better than mine does).

I wish you warm soup, a comfy bed, and blessed silence in which to recover.  I wish you lots of sleep, a full recovery, and a strong constitution.  I wish you hot chocolate, snuggles with me, and hugs from your children.  In short, I wish you whatever would make you feel better this week.

Rather than writing a long letter, I am just going to go and try to make as many of those possibilities come true as I can.

you are my most beloved, and I am, always, yours.

--me.

Family Ties

Dear Barney,

This concept was formed at your family's house, and we find ourselves there once again.  I believe that there has been a great change in my relationship with your family over the past year.  Whereas at the beginning of the year, I felt like an outsider, by this visit, I feel as much a part of the family as you are.  I have not only this project but the games that we played with your family to thank for this transformation.  While the games were really fun when we first started last year, they grew quickly and overly competitive causing many sour feelings rather than the positive relationship bonding that originally occurred.  So, as you know, on this trip, we decided not to bring any games with us, and then, for the first time since I have been part of the family, we have also failed to play any other games the entire week we have been here.  I was nervous about this coming here, finding in the games my best connections with your other family members.

However, my fears were unwarranted.  I found places to belong, not just by your side, but with your mom and sisters, the guys, and with the children.  I have found a niche that is uniquely mine and feel that I am accepted by all and am viewed as adding value to the family in the same way that any of the other in-laws are.  While that may seem like a childish thing to say to you, for most of our marriage that has not been the case, and I am so glad that it finally is.

It makes me feel more connected to you, and it makes me happy for our children who will (hopefully!) never have to sense any kind of divid or rift between us and our extended family.

I love you so much and am always devotedly yours,
--Me.

I'm Thankful for . . . Well, All of It

Dear Barney,

We are closely nearing the time for Thanksgiving, and I am reflecting on all that I have to be thankful for.  When this year first began, I had no concept of how difficult of a year it would be for me.  It has been my most amazing, challenging, and life-altering year of my life, no question.  It has made me think more and grow more spiritually, and it has seen more self-reflection than probably a good ten other years of my life combined.

I recently read a short story where the protagonist said, "Somehow, usually by accident, you experience joy.  And the problem with joy is that it binds you to life; it makes you greedy for more happiness.  You experience avarice.  You hope life will go on forever."  This year has brought not just joy but a total awareness of the avarice of wanting my life to continue forever and a total dread of the knowledge that there is not a chance that will happen.

I have been spending the last quarter of this year coming to terms with that fact and working to transmute the joy I feel for my earthly blessings (specifically, you and the children) into a better and stronger relationship with our Lord, who is the giver of these blessings but who has too often been overshadowed in my heart by the very blessings that He bestowed upon me.

The road has been rocky, but I am so grateful for the trials of the heart that I have gone through because I truly believe that God is using them to reveal to me his true plan for my life and to build a better relationship with me.  And that can only mean that I will also be a better wife and mother as it will put me more securely on the path which He intends me to take.

I love you more today than I did yesterday, but I hope that I also love you more wisely today as well.

Always yours,
Me

Always Your Cheerleader

Dear Barney,

 

First, I am sorry that it has been so long that I have written.  The anxiety that I wrote about in my last letter continues to impede on my nights, taking up too much room and pushing out the room where the more important things, like writing you, should be in my life.  I know that you don't understand the type of anxiety that I fight, but I really do promise that I am fighting against it every day and seem to be making at least some small progress.  I don't want to look back on the life that I am given and see that I wasted the precious time that I have with you worrying about what life without you would be like.  That is no way to treat such a precious gift.

 

The anxiety really settles in mostly in the evenings, and during the days, I am seeing the amazing work that you are doing for your company.  I cannot believe that you have single-handedly written your own dictionary with over 500 financial terms.  And, when you told me that you were going to create a series of videos, I was quite mystified at the idea.  But here you are several hundred slides and nine presentations later.  Your dedication to the task at hand as been unreal, and it is something that you should be so proud of.

 

I might not understand the content of what you are working on, but I clearly understand the quality of the work that you are producing, and I have no doubt that once unveiled, your expanded version of your company is going to be a huge success.  I am so excited to see the finished product.  While I love my job, I have never done anything that equals the scope of the project you have undertaken all of your own volition.  You are amazing, and I love you so much.

 

always,

Amy

Please Believe Me, I Know Not What I Do, Please Believe Me, I Can't Stop Loving You

Dear Barney,

 

This week marks nine years of knowing each other, and this Sunday will mark nine years since our first date.  From this point forward, we will be closing in on our first decade of life together, which is pretty hard to wrap my head around.  We've managed to do pretty well these first nine years, huh?  Three beautiful children, two stable careers, a home we love, and a love for one another that only continues to grow.

 

I have been fighting anxiety for the past couple of weeks, and much of it stems from a fear of losing all of the wonderful blessings that God has gifted to me, though I know I am undeserving.  My heart constricts at the thought of losing you, and last night, I had to quell panic at the idea of learning how to sleep in my bed without you.  Of course, that panic came because it was 1:00am and I was still awake because I cannot sleep without you and you were up playing XBox with Mitchell. Classic Barney.  But, I love that you are still a kid at heart and not some stolid 35 year old man who lost his boyish pleasures about the same time he lost his full head of hair.  I might have gotten a little less sleep than I would have liked for one night, but I am gaining soooooo soooo much more than that in getting to be your wife.

 

This week, my gestures to you have been multiple nights in the den down the street with the guys enjoying the ball games, stogies, beers, and fellowship of other men while I hold down the fort at home.  It's been a long time since you had the opportunity to enjoy the company of a bunch of guys that you love hanging out with, and I am glad that you are finding that here in our new home.  I know that we are a lot of things for one another, but cigar buddies is not one of those things. 

 

I also want you to know that I have loved you so much these past two months in watching you serve as our son's soccer coach.  Wrangling three and four year olds is the opposite of easy, I know.  But, you do it with grace and style, and I know that George absolutely loves that you are the team's coach.  I am not saying it won't be nice for the season to end this week, but that doesn't change how much I've enjoyed seeing you in that new role.

 

As I write this, I want to go wake you up, just so I can see your smile and tell you I love you one more time today, but I will save that for tomorrow.  For now, just know that you are truly my one and only.

 

I love you.

 

--me.

Things I Love About You

Dear Barney,

One of my all-time favorite scenes from a movie is from When Harry Met Sally at the end when Harry tells Sally all of the little idiosyncrasies about her that made him fall in love with her. I've always thought that would be so romantic and had even been so helpful as to pick out a few things you might list about me. Then, when one of the characters in the book I finished tonight did the same thing, I realized that I had it backwards and should be doing the same for you. Of course, I've kind of done it before, but there's more to add, like this: I love how when you get interested in something, you become totally passionate about it. From the trees to plant in our yard to the survival man gear you keep buying and stashing around the house to your love for buying books because you know I love them, your passion inspires me. Please never lose it.

I love you.

--me.

Not So Deliberately Lately

Dear Barney,

It's been almost a month since I last wrote you, and it so clearly shows in our marriage. I'm full of excuses, from the somewhat good--three kids! Starting my EdD! Soccer, supper club, small group, birthday parties! to the rather lame--Words with Friends! My books! Fall TV!

I feel myself falling back into the pattern of getting easily snappish with you, carelessly allowing a harmful tone to creep into our conversation, even when my intention or actual feelings are much calmer than what I voice.

Today I had the privilege of helping my sister-in-law to register, and while fun, it was a tiring day on the heels of an extremely exhausting weekend. When I got home, I was worn out, overwhelmed at what all I needed to accomplish still today, and was feeling physically sick because I was engorged. So, when you came and opened the car door for me, I greeted you with a diatribe on the state of our car's tires rather than with the sweet welcome you had probably envisioned. By the time I made it in the door, I realized how inappropriate my attitude and way of handling that conversation had been.

But the worst part was that I knew how empty the apology would sound since I seem to be making the same apology and promise to be more careful with my attitude at least once every three or four days now.

This time, I not only mean it but plan to hold myself accountable by deliberately writing to you and assessing things at least once a week and preferably twice a week. When I'm putting honesty to paper about our marriage and myself as a wife, I find I'm a much better wife. So my goal for the rest of 2011 is to do just that.

I love you always, and I'm sorry, again.

--me.

My Collection So Far

Dear Barney,

It was so nice of you to start a game for me that combines two of my favorite things: Easter egg hunts and Halloween. Unfortunately hunting for itty bitty fake snakes all over my house isn't my idea of the best time. So far, I've found them in these locales:

--outside the front door
--outside the back door
--in my chair
--on the toilet seat
--in my sink
--in my bed
--on my pump bag
--in my daughter's mouth

I'm hiding them where I hope you won't find them. Sorry sweetie :)

Fantasy Football

Dear Barney,

I have to admit that my topic tonight is less than lovey dovey. It's football season again which means it's fantasy season again. I could write a whole book about the role that this game has played in our marriage, starting with my realization somewhere in the first six months of our marriage that I would either have to embrace fantasy football or resign myself to a miserable fall and winter every year. So I embraced it. It might have been my first major deliberate act of love for you. But, we are now seven years and three kids later. It's much harder to embrace now. The fun has mostly been replaced with frustration. Luckily I barely care about my games because I could not possibly keep track like I used to Sunday is my hardest work day each week, and now that football has started I'm also responsible for 90% of the childcare all day (except during Sunday School of course), and then in some weeks I'm also preparing for Monday night supper club. Now we are also throwing Sunday night small group into the mix.

I get that you love fantasy and that it's been part of your life for over a decade. I'm trying to allow you to indulge. Honestly. Last Sunday wasn't my best effort as my meltdown right before kickoff revealed. You so clearly had no idea why I was so mad that you quit helping me mop up the exploded yogurt from all surfaces of the kitchen to go sit at your computer for your eighth and last line up check. You seriously had no inkling as to why I was upset. My explanations were of no help. So, it's clear, I just have to try to deliberately embrace it again this year. I promise to try . . . Because I really do love you. But that doesn't mean I love fantasy football. I don't, even when I try to pretend otherwise.

Yours,
Me

The Aftermath of the Aftermath

Dear Barney,

I read so much and so often that too little of what I read really sticks with me. But, I remember a passage from The Kite Runner vividly. The narrator's mother had died in childbirth, I believe. Either that, or when he was too little to remember her. As a teen, he meets a man who knew his mother well, and he tells the boy that his mother had a premonition that her life was nearing it's end. She said that she had been gifted with this perfect happiness that could not be maintained in this imperfect and fallen world.

I guess such is my nature that I must have something to worry about. So I worry these days about losing you or the children. Even your recent day trip to a college football game left me awash in pointless worry. I find myself reaching out to touch you more often than normal these days just to assure myself that you are still here and with me. I've always known that the kind of love we share is a rare gift, but I find myself guarding it more and appreciating it more than ever. I feel like a love-struck teen again even as the mirror assures me this is not so.

My gifts to you these days have been nights off, fantasy football, and lots of home-cooked meals. What I want in return is nothing more than your constant love and presence in my life. And, maybe to get to sleep in :)

I love you,
Me.

Let Me Count the Ways

Dear Barney,

 

When I went to sleep last night on your pillow for the third night this week instead of waking you up to ask you to trade me my pillow back, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I researched recipes to come up with two different unique and home-cooked dinners for you this week, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I did all of the dishes, emptied the dishwasher yet again, and did the laundry, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I went outside to look at the snake that you killed rather than staying as far away from it as possible like I wanted to, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I gave the kids a bath while feeding the baby and got all three into bed while you were working downstairs, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I watched a movie with you rather than finishing my grading or reading my book, did you know that I was saying I love you?  When I over-react, when I acquiesce with less-than-a-willing heart, when I allow a poor attitude or tired spirit to creep into my engagements with you, please know that my actions and words are not an indication of a lack of love or a lessening of my intense feelings for you.  I know that it is unfair of me to want you to only listen to the messages that I send out through my positive actions rather than my negative ones, but please know that no matter how cranky I might get, no matter how frustrated, angry, upset, or even indifferent I might seem, you are my best friend and my great love.  I wish I could exterminate completely the negative behaviors that might dampen the messages that I try to communicate with my positive and good actions.  Since that will probably never happen, I just wanted to let you know that my heart is in the right place, that is, in your safekeeping.

 

I love you,

me.

I Do, I Do, To You and You and You

Dear Barney,

 

This past week saw me in two different doctor's offices to be evaluated for two different issues, both of which had the possibility of revealing an outcome of cancer.  By the grace of God, I was cleared in both instances--one was benign cysts and the other a false positive result on a previous test.  The night after I found out the good news, we were cooking dinner together for some friends, and you were stressed out about having enough food.  Finally, you kept asking me why I wasn't stressed out, and I just looked at you and said, "There's enough food.  This isn't something to stress out over--I know we will have plenty." (which we did of course!).  I took the same attitude as we planned for our eldest son's fourth birthday party this week (which of course is so unlike me).  Your response back to me was that you are glad that those issues arose and that I had to face the possibility of having cancer because it changed my perspective on what matters and what does not.  Upon much reflection, I could not agree more.  In reality, my life has not changed at all.  I don't have cancer now, but I didn't have it before either.  However, I had to come to terms with the idea that I could have it, which made me reflect on my mortality in a much more concrete fashion that I am accustomed to doing.  It's not like I wasn't aware before that I will someday die, but that day has always seemed pretty remote and something easy to set aside and ignore for the time being.  During the couple of weeks from the time that I was asked to make the appointments to the time that I actually went in, that "someday" became so much more tangible to me.  I don't recommend spending all of your time thinking about death, but as cliched as this is, those weeks really did give me a far more concrete appreciation of my life and the blessings that I have been given--especially you and the children.  Mostly, it is so much more real to me that the time that we have together is absolutely finite.  There are only so many days in which I can do better or can make the time to have quality experiences with you all.  When one becomes aware of how much each moment counts, it has a mobilizing effect on avoiding procrastination and on finding opportunities to turn the mundane into the special. 

 

Regardless of whether or not this new(ish) outlook had a strong impact on our week, I had a great week with you this week.  We put together two new bookshelves and a wine rack, we put up new lights, and we had our sidewalk and swingsets put in.  We also watched two movies together, planned and executed a birthday and a birthday party, and managed to almost completely avoid tense moments throughout the entirely insane week.

 

In church today, as I looked around at all of the other couples sitting around us, I was struck by how grateful I am to be the partner that you chose.  If nothing else could convince people of the existence of God, anyone who is as lucky as I am to have a soulmate with whom they spend their lives should have no doubt that there exists a loving God who only wants the best for His people.  It's just too amazing to be coincidence.  And it's definitely not an accident.

 

You.  Me.  --that's fate, destiny, and one amazing blessing.

 

I love you so much.

 

--me.

Happy Anniversary!

Dear Barney,

 

I have been wanting to write you all week long this week, but the baby's new schedule of getting up at 6:00am is limiting my time a bit more than I would like.  First of all, happy anniversary!!  I can't believe that we have been married for eight years, and I really can't believe that from this point forward, we will have logged less time as a married couple without kids than time as a married couple with kids.  Our big boy is going to be four this week, can you believe it??  My heart just swells each time I see you playing these games with him that are so much more grown up than what he could do even a few short months ago.

 

This week was a really great week for us I thought.  Our actual anniversary day was kind of a comedy of errors from the canceled babysitter and thus canceled plans to the charred and inedible mushrooms and the terrible choice of movie that we picked.  For much of my life, I would have been really upset by these things, feeling that the day was ruined.  But, this year, I wasn't actually upset at all; instead, I felt very close to you and was just happy to be with you and to have our eight years to celebrate at all.

 

Then, we kind of got a second chance at our evening tonight since our oldest kids are at my parent's house for the night.  I loved our nap together this afternoon.  Since you almost never nap, and since one of us pretty much always has to be on kid duty during daylight hours, we so rarely nap together as to have it be nonexistent in our life.  I loved those stolen couple of hours.  Then, we finally got the bookshelf built, had a delicious dinner, and watched a much better movie.  

 

To top it off, we got to share those stolen minutes in the brief rainstorm that blew through, giving our baby his first experience with rain.  I loved sitting on our porch together smelling the rain and watching the Earth hungrily devour the so desperately needed precipitation.  We get so wrapped up in our own lives that we can forget just how much we rely on nature and God's providence in our lives.  The rain was such a vivid reminder of that tonight, and it made me feel so close to you to know that whatever is thrown at us will be faced by us as a united front.

 

I love you so much.

 

--me.

We Survived and Made it to the Other Side!!

Dear Barney,

I feel like our trip to the lake with your family was ultimately a big success, even if seven days was a tinge too long for the kids.  I know that the lack of sleep made all of us cranky at times, and I know that there was a night when I felt like you and I had basically not had any quality time together for the whole week.  After our brief flare up though, two things happened that really altered my view.  The first is going to sound very strange.  Even though we had been there for several days, I used the downstairs restroom for the first time on our trip, and I had a vivid flashback to one of the worst days of our marriage, for me.  I remember on our other trip to that house, several years ago, sitting in that bathroom and sobbing as quietly as I could.  There were several things going on: 1. I already had a premonition that the pregnancy we had just announced would not ultimately be successful, and I was scared about that.  But, I was also so convinced at that point in our marriage that if you were asked or forced to choose between me and your other family that you would walk away from me without question.  In reality, what I meant by that thought was that you saw your parents and siblings as your real family while I was not nearly as important to you or as loved by you.  On that vacation, you spent all of your time with your brothers leaving me to try to figure out a place with the girls, and I did not feel like I fit in with your family.

Remembering that moment while sitting in the same place where it occurred the first time five years ago while feeling some of the same types of things made me realize something very important.  Namely, it is very clear that you see me and the children as your family just as much as anyone else in your family, and it is very clear that we are a huge priority in your life.  You did a great job of helping with the childcare responsibilities throughout the entire week.  While we didn't really have any alone time, I also never felt like you didn't want me around or that you were oblivious to my presence, which is how I sometimes felt in the past.  In addition, when I broached my frustrations with you five years ago, you didn't really listen or understand how I felt at all.  This week though, after that one short conversation, you did such an amazing job of going out of your way to seek me out a couple of times a day to check in with me and to try to help out during times when I needed a break or to get some work done.  You not only listened to what I said, but you made a big effort to try to make things better for me.  I want you to know that I noticed and am very appreciative.  It is just one more reason why I am so glad that you are mine.

I also worked hard this week to make sure that you had plenty of time with your family, that you got as much sleep as possible, and that you got to participate in the activities that were most interesting and fun for you.  In comparing our two trips to that particular house with your family, I believe that I have made huge gains in my abilities to interact with your family as well as in my feeling of truly belonging to the family.  I am so glad to feel like I truly belong and can be myself with your family.  And, I am so grateful that we both have such wonderful families for our children to be able to grow up with.

I love you.

--me.

It's Getting Better All The Time

Dear Barney,

Today was such a good day. It was a good day for the easy routine of it all. We got up, got the kids ready, breakfasted, and then the nanny came and work began. There were errands this afternoon and our Monday night supper club. The kids had a good day and seemed to enjoy the utter normality of it as much as we did.

The best part though was the feeling of being life partners together and not just survivors trying to make it through the day, forced to rely on one another. I noticed that we regularly drifted into the room where the other person was for a quick check-in, hello, or just moment of affection. It's nice to both be wanting that affection and sharing it again. During the first several weeks with the little man, our marriage was almost put on hold. I'm so glad to know for sure that it was just in hibernation and not in a permanent state of alteration.

I missed you. I missed us. I'm looking forward to getting reacquainted again.

I love you :)

--me.

Thank You

Dear Barney,

You were amazing today. Though you went to bed fairly early, you fed the little man at three something and still got up before six so that we could get to Dallas for your business meeting at 8:00. I know you were exhausted all day, but you were never cranky or mean, despite the ongoing fussiness of our children. You even made me dinner and let me sneak in a quick catnap to make up for my own lack of sleep.

Days like today really remind me of how lucky I am to have you for my husband and make me really want to step up my own game. I'm going to start by taking the entire night shift tonight and not just the half of it I usually do :)

I love you so much

--me

Few Posts, No Less Dedication

Dear Barney,

Though you don't know about this project or this blog, I wanted to write you to tell you that my lack of writing is not correlated to giving up on my goal of being a better wife and helpmate to you this year.  If anything, I think about this project much more often now that we are busy with three kids including our newborn son.

Each day comes with new obstacles that we must overcome in terms of being able to meet our work goals and having any personal time leftover after caring for our children, so each day I think in terms of offering assistance to you in those ways.  Some days, like yesterday, I get up early even though I also took the late shift in order to allow you the luxury of sleep.  While I know that this is always a great and appreciated gift, I have to be careful because I also understand that my general crankiness after a short night's sleep is not so appreciated, and rightly so.  Today, you watched the women's World Cup soccer game without dealing with children or any other distractions.  You also got to use both my computer and yours, which meant that I could not get any work done during the precious nap hour.  Then, after the bitter disappointment of the loss, I watched all the kids so you could go mow and have some alone time. 

Of course, I know that this means that tomorrow you will have to do more than your share of watching the kids so that I can try to work, especially since the nanny is off this week.  One thing about having three kids is that we rarely get to take time for ourselves without having to give it back later on for the other person to be able to catch up.  I don't think that there is anything wrong with that.  You give and get and so do I.  It only makes our partnership stronger.  I am not sure when we will be able to consistently have time together, but my goal is to somehow get enough work done during the day this week that one of the days we can watch the new movie we just got in together--just the two of us.

I do think that things have vastly improved since our talk last week, and I want to thank you for your ongoing dedication to making the changes that we discussed.  I have seen a clear and consistent shift in your behavior over the past week.  I hope you can say the same for me :)

I love you.

always,
--me.

Trying, Always Trying

Today was a rough day. It seems like every day where I let you sleep in turns out to be rough, though I wasn't particularly tired today, and you were more grouchy than normal--at least that's how it seemed to me.

The gesture that our sweet friend made yesterday to come watch the older kids so we could have a date fell flat. I know you said it was because you are stressed about the projects you are working on to grow your business, and I understand, but I was still disappointed I have to admit.

The good thing that came from it is that I feel like we had our most honest talk about our relationship in months. I may have spent more time today in tears than either of us would have liked, but I feel like something opened back up between us that has been missing for a while.

You probably don't believe me that I listened and took to heart when you told me that I am not open to constructive criticism. I am going to work on that. I will also work on trying not to feel like you are being sarcastic or mean if you say something nice but to take it at face value.

I hope you will try to work on being more proactive about checking in with me before disappearing to work on the yard for hours and on trying to make more of am effort to spend quality time with me.

I know you are not a fan of these kinds of hard relationship conversations. Thanks for taking it seriously tonight. I only ever do it so that we can continue to have a strong marriage and bond. I don't want to let this slip away out of negligence or because we simply stopped paying attention. I love you too much for that.

Missing You

Dear Barney,

We've had quite the year, you and I. It has been a massive year of change and adjustments, most of them really amazing like the birth of our son and the purchase of our new house.

But, I feel like all of this change had lead to significantly less time for the two of us, especially in the last couple of months. I can't remember our last date, and I know we haven't even sat down and watched TV together since I gave birth. We don't even work in the same room anymore, and since we even work after the kids are in bed, I feel like I never see you anymore.

I know that this is a passing stage, but it still sucks. I miss my best friend, life partner, and soul mate. I hope you miss me too. Can't wait until we can be together again.

I love you.

My Mistake

So, I made kind of a big mistake today/last night.  I knew that I was totally worn out from all of the events that we have had going on for the past few weeks, and I was kind of upset when Barney went to bed at 10:00, leaving me to take care of Jefferson by myself and to finish up my work without any extra help from him.  I got it all done though, and then I got to bed about 12:30.  Then, I woke up at 4:30 ready to feed, but strangely, Jefferson was not awake.  I couldn't decide whether or not to wake him up or let him sleep, but I knew that I needed to get some milk out, so I decided to pump.  After pumping, Jefferson still wasn't awake, but I decided he needed to eat at this point.  Normally, I would wake Barney up and let him give the bottle while I tried to get more sleep, but I figured that he was probably as exhausted as I was, so I let him sleep and did the feeding myself.

I woke up again at 8:00, though none of the kids were awake.  I knew I had to get up because we had an appt in town with our church at 9:30, so I got up and got dressed and then got Barney up.  We got the kids dressed and got everything ready to go to our appointment, but once we got in the car, I came to quickly realize that I was extremely upset with Barney for three reasons: 1. he didn't even notice that I let him sleep, and it had felt like a huge sacrifice to me, so for him not to be grateful really hurt my feelings.  2. I felt like he was being really short with me, which seemed very unfair considering how much I am constantly doing and the fact that he was well-rested while I am not.  3.  I was very tired and probably am easily hurt right now.

I haven't been able to shake my feeling of being upset all day long, and it has resulted in more than one crying jag today.  He doesn't understand why I am upset, and it makes him alternately baffled and angry at me.  He is already asleep while I have a good while to go yet again.  I know that this time of sleeplessness always falls more to the mother, and I know that it is not forever.  But, right now, it is not doing anything for my marriage or for me as a person.  I am going to work on being less resentful and on trying to do a better job of realizing that it is not really Barney's fault that the workload is not and perhaps cannot be split 50/50 at this point in our lives.

Still in the Trenches

I can't believe it's been over a week since my last post. I haven't forgotten my goal or stopped endeavoring to meet it, but I have so many demands on my time these days that I simply cannot do it all, and blogging has been pushed down each day to the bottom of a list that never gets completed.

Outside of my ongoing work, caring for my newborn as well as his older siblings, and trying to maintain my household, we have had major family events for the past week that had either seen us out of town staying with family or in town but with family staying with us. It has been a blast, but time to myself, to spend with Barney, and to sleep have been quite scarce. We said goodbye to my uncle and his family today and have three days of downtime before we head off to visit Barney's family. Of course, it's not really downtime when you have to use that time to catch up on where you fell behind and to try to work ahead so as not to fall behind again this next trip.

The good news is that Barney got to sneak away from my family for a day to go play paintball with his brothers and then to gave them stay the night at our house. I know he had a blast, and I'm sure he loved the break from the insanity.

We are still trying to figure out our roles with this new baby, and it's been hard so far to find a good balance. I'm hoping thongs will be much easier once he's old enough to sleep through the night.

Everything Has to be Deliberate These Days

These are the days where both if us are hungry for the little acts of love, both those completed without much thought and those carefully planned, performed by the other throughout each day. We are each consumed by a thousand daily tasks brought on by our new addition to our family--me with the near 24/7 task of caring for Jefferson and Barney with almost full responsibility for the care of George and Olivia. Add to this our general and persistent sleep deprivation, our continued and steady workload, and our plates ate beyond full. We have both reached places where we need nothing more than moral and physical support from our partner, soul mate, and best friend. The trouble is that we have do little left over to give and almost no time in which to give it. What we do give is, has to be, very deliberate and is almost always a sacrifice in some way. I can't speak for Barney, but I know that I treasure these offerings more than any extravagant present that he might bestow. I hope he feels the same, as those comforts have been an anchor in this chaotic time.

Day 184: I Broke My Toe . . . I Think

I suppose that technically I cannot say for absolute certainty that I broke my toe, but what I know is that I cannot bend or move it without causing myself extreme pain, and I cannot put very much weight on it without it becoming extremely painful. 

How did I manage this feat you ask?  Well, we decided last night to move Jefferson to the guest room instead of our bedroom because his little noises throughout the night were making it hard for us to sleep even when he was sleeping.  And, Barney had had a very long day, so I decided to do the middle of the night feeding in the guest room as well so that Barney would be able to sleep through the night without interruption.  Only, on my way in there, I decided that instead of walking through the doorway, it would be better just to walk right into the door itself, jamming the door between two of my toes in an extremely painful fashion.

My initial yelp of pain was enough to get Barney out of bed to check on me, but when he realized it was just a stubbed toe, he was quickly headed back to bed.  Only then, a few minutes later, I decided to try to wiggle my toes, which caused extreme pain and desperate appeals to Barney to come aid me, which he did without complaint.  So much for a full night's sleep.  Instead, he ended up in the guestroom while Jefferson and I took over the master bedroom.

To make matters worse, he had to get up really early with George and Olivia to go to George's last baseball game--a double header that began at 8:00am.  He followed that up with a round of golf with my dad, brother, and a friend, and then finished the night out with a pool party at a neighbor's house.  He's been in bed since 9:00, and I am hoping to allow him to get some great sleep, especially since tomorrow is Father's Day. 

We won't be able to do too much tomorrow to celebrate sadly, in part because we can't really take Jefferson out in public yet and in part because I have a broken toe and am quite limited in my ability to do things.  His present was the lawn mower that we got a few weeks back.  So, basically, I am planning a nice dinner tomorow night and as much downtime as possible for the guy.

In the meantime, I have to figure out how to catch some ZZZs myself pretty soon as I feel myself teetering on the brink of exhaustion.  My goal is to sleep when the kids sleep tomorrow at the very least, but if that doesn't happen, hopefully at least Barney will be well-rested and get to have an enjoyable day.

Days 181-183: Plugging Along

Once you are past the newborn phase, you remember vaguely how rough it is, but you don't remember just what a beatdown it can be to consistently fail to sleep for any stretch of time and to have your body become nothing more than a recepticle for caring for others--and in some painful ways.  It's God's way of helping to make sure that procreation continues on Earth I think.  Otherwise we would all be like the Chinese and only have one child.

That said, there have obviously been some amazingly sweet moments throughout these past 9 days as well.  --Like when Olivia went to go try to hug Jefferson to soothe him when he was crying and sad yesterday.  Or when George wanted to invite several friends over to meet the new baby.  Or like when Barney not only cooked me a steak dinner last night but cleaned up the entire mess, including emptying and re-loading the dishwasher last night.

Those moments really help to make up for the other moments--like when I called the nurse today because Jefferson hadn't had a dirty diaper in two days only to be told I should stick a thermometer up there and twirl it around or when I was spared that indignity because Jefferson decided to have the world's biggest dirty diaper all over me tonight or when I am up at 3:00am and in tears because sometimes breastfeeding just plain hurts, especially when you are tired.

One thing I know for sure though is that I could not be doing this without Barney.  While the lion's share of caring for Jefferson is falling to me these days, he is doing so much with Olivia and George.  And, he pulls out some awesome favors sometimes with Jefferson today too, like getting up with him at 6:45 this morning and letting me sleep until 9:00.  That was amazing.  He also went grocery shopping for me today.

In turn, tomorrow I am sending him to golf with the boys, and next Sunday he gets to go play paintball with his brothers.  But, first he has to get up super early to take George to a baseball game while Jefferson and I hold down the fort at home.  My parents and brother/sis-in-law will be there as well though.  Really, it should be a fun day all around.  Now if I can just get enough sleep tonight to enjoy it.

Days 175-180: I'm Back :)

I cannot believe that it has been six days since I last posted.  I cannot believe that it has been six days since I gave birth for that matter.  The first couple of weeks really are a fog of timelessness where days and nights have no meaning and routines are abandoned and time takes on a surreal feeling.

They are also very difficult times for spouses I think because each spouse is struggling to re-write his/her role as a parent and provider, while trying to maintain some sort of humanity for himself/herself, and being a spouse just seems to take a back seat to everything else.

I have found myself frustrated over the past few days, wanting Barney to see me more than he does.  It's not that he's not involved or helping, but sometimes I feel like he just doesn't see or notice how hard this week has been on me.  Then, I started thinking today that he probably feels the same way about me, and it is probably true.  Each of us has picked up a more significant burden and share of responsibilities, so each of us are struggling to figure it all out.  So, if he doesn't see me and how this experience is affecting me, it is because he is too busy living out his own experience of adjusting to being a parent of three.

I have been told that having three kids is a huge adjustment from having two, and I absolutely agree with that assessment now that we are living it.  That said, I am completely and utterly smitten with my new little guy and would not trade him in or give him back for anything.  Hopefully things will become easier the older he gets and especially once we get him into a routine that involves regular naps and sleeping through the night.

This morning, I got up with the kids and made them breakfast and Barney breakfast for the first time since coming home from the hospital.  It felt like a major accomplishment even though it was just poptarts for the kids and a bagel for Barney.  I also managed to do four loads of laundry and to entertain Marshall and his family who came out to meet Lincoln for the first time (most of the rest of the family has already come through at earlier points in the week).  Needless to say I am now exhausted, but I am also ready for my new challenge tomorrow, which is to venture out of the house and to go grocery shopping.  It sounds like a minor thing but feels like a major excursion.  I've noticed that both Barney and I have started reveling in the routine over the past few days.  He was over the moon to get to mow the lawn today, and I was inordinately proud of getting our laundry done.  I guess that is progress from yesterday when I felt proud to have put on makeup and fixed my hair.

Baby is Here!!

After several days of nonproductive labor followed by about an hour of active labor, baby Jefferson has arrived! Barney was so amazing and supportive as my body struggled to move into active labor without much success. He was patient and loving and never made me feel stupid or inadequate.

I am so blessed as a wife and a mother and couldn't be more overjoyed tonight. My heart is truly full.

Days 170-173 And Not Gone Yet

Despite a visit to the hospital for regular contractions late last night, there is no baby yet.  We are just in full waiting mode--Barney as much as I.  I am seriously behind in work at this point, so my goal is to catch up as much as possible on that over the next couple of days, since I am assuming at this point that we will in fact have to be induced on Thursday.  Barney has been a wonderful support system over the past few days, and I am as always so grateful to have him for my partner.

That's not a lot to say, I know, but these days, my patience to post is somewhat lessened, though I will try to catch up soon :)

Days 170-171: Still Here . . .

There is nothing quite like getting to the end of a pregnancy and reaching the waiting game period.  I've gotten to the point where I'm afraid to even call people on the phone because I know that their first question will be "are you in labor" and it will be just too depressing to have to say no.

But, Barney and I are finding ways to keep busy.  We had a neighbor over for dinner tonight, and then we all went outside to play with two other families on the street.  At one point, I looked out at the seven kids, ranging from almost five to six months and was struck by just how clearly our prayers were answered by this move, despite the frustration that has gone into the move.  We wanted to go somewhere with a stronger sense of community, and that is exactly what we have found.  I hope that one day we will go to some of these kids' weddings and muse about how we remember them sticking their heads in the sprinklers and trying to feed each other dirt when they were just tiny little ones.

It was somewhat bittersweet to me that Jefferson would not be coming home from the hospital to the same home as Olivia and George, but now I cannot imagine it any other way.  We have found home, and it feels just right to both of us.

Barney continues to thrive here in a way that was missing at our old house, which is part of what makes this feel so much more like home to me, and I continue to encourage that at every step.  In turn, he supports me and is doing his best to make sure I am well-taken care of and provided for.  Today at least, our marriage seems to be running almost effortlessly, and I am planning on storing up these moments in my heart, because I know that inevitably there will be rough times again.  The strength we are building now will go a long way to supporting us through anything that comes our way--at least, that is my prayer.

Days 167-169: Still Here

I am now officially 15 minutes into my due date and am still pregnant.  Intellectually, this is not surprising news, but emotionally, it's a little disappointing.  We are well past the days of making plans in advance, but we are working hard to keep busy.  In addition to house projects, we have been spending time with friends, and today my mom came into town for a spur-of-the-moment shopping trip, which was awesome.

As for Barney and I, things have been going very well.  I feel like we have been able to connect more over the last couple of weeks than we have in a good while, and I have started to feel much more in the spirit of this project than those crazy weeks just after we moved in and everything was about dealing with the house issues.

As I mentioned in my last post, Barney is expecting his new lawn mower to arrive on Thursday, and he got to seed the backyard today now that our sprinkler system is officially in and installed.  So, I wasn't looking to buy him anything on our shopping trip today, considering how much money we've spent on those two items.  But, the Groupon for today was a paintball experience that was 64% off, and he has been wanting to play paintball for years.  I couldn't resist.  I bought it for him and forwarded it to him with a note that simply said "I love you," and when he discovered it, he was completely thrilled.  I also bought him a six pack of a beer he has been wanting to try but hasn't seen in a store.  All told, I spent less than $25 on him today, but his excitement over his surprises was really fun.  I can't help but hope that my next surprise for him is going to be spontaneous and natural progression into labor.  My fingers are crossed, but I'm not holding my breath.

Days 165-166: Family Time

Today was a concerted effort on my part to make things fun for my family, specifically for Barney.  We got to sleep in, thanks to a late night last night with friends over.  Then, once we woke up, we headed into town for Saturday morning donut day (a long-standing tradition at our house).  We then took the kids to the downtown library, which George had been asking to do for some time.  Then, we headed to the botanic gardens to feed turtles and have a picnic.  All of those activities were more aimed at the children than at Barney, though of course he enjoyed himself too.

But then, we headed to Lowes to get Barney a riding lawn mower, which is his Father's Day, Anniversary, and possibly even Christmas present all rolled into one.  He is over-the-moon about it, which is funny, but true.  Then, we came straight home so that he could watch a big soccer game, and I retreated into our room to work and nap, leaving him just to get to enjoy the game.  Tonight, we have a babysitter and are going with other friends on a date night to a nice steakhouse downtown and to play games at our house later on after that.

I became aware just how much I have to appreciate about Barney when my friend who visited last night told me that her husband has not fed or gotten up with their five month old daughter in over four months, not even giving her one day to sleep in or one break from what is apparently a brutal feeding schedule (the baby is bottle fed for every meal, so that is not the issue).  Barney feels that things are somewhat different for that family because the husband is the only breadwinner in the family, and I get that, but for me, there is still something about parenting that requires more of a cooperative effort.  I am so grateful to have a husband who is a natural father who enjoys activities like this morning with the kids, is willing to feed, dress, bathe, discipline, and otherwise take care of our kids in whatever way is required, and not just the Saturday morning dad who plays with the kids from time to time but isn't overly invested in the day-to-day grind of parenting.

Days 163-164: Nesting Syndrome

I think Barney has fully cottoned onto my strong nesting instinct that has taken over my life.  He sweetly spent most of today working on finishing painting our baseboards so that we can put our furniture back into place and take the tape off of our walls.  I know it wasn't a fun project for him, but he would not let me help out at all for fear that the paint fumes could possibly harm the baby.  He had a great spirit about the project, and I really appreciate his hard work.

We are slowing rapidly on our home improvement projects, though there are still a few in the works, and the slowdown has lent itself to a strong sense of interminable days as we await the birth of Jefferson.  Once you reach this stage in pregnancy, everything seems to take forever anyway, and we are definitely there.  The house is as ready as we can get it, the baby gear is out, cleaned, and positioned for use.  The car seat is by the door.  All I need to do is to pack our bags and, of course, actually go into labor.

Today I spent much of the day in the kitchen, culminating in fixing Barney one of his very favorite meals and then going for a walk with him and the kids tonight.  Once Jefferson arrives, my ability to really focus on Barney will likely be curtailed for a while, so I am trying to find ways now to really show him how much I appreciate him and love him.  I fixed him breakfast this morning so that it was ready as soon as he got up, and we went out to lunch just the two of us yesterday.  I also encouraged him to buy a new gadget that he really loves and I know that he really wanted.  Then, on Saturday, he wants to watch a big soccer game, so I am going to make sure that the kids and I are out of his hair and that he gets to fully enjoy the big game.

We also have good friends coming over for dinner tomorrow and a date night with new friends scheduled for Saturday.  If I could figure out a way to take him to see a movie I will try to do that as well before the little guy gets here. . . . but if he wants to go ahead and make his appearance now, well, I could probably sacrifice the movie at this point for a chance to get my body back to myself :)

Days 161-162: Gender in Our Lives

I have been thinking a lot about gender of late, in part because of the new baby boy coming to take his place in our family soon, and in part because Marshall and his wife found out today that they are having a baby girl, which I find to be very exciting news :)

Then, tonight, I came across an article about a family that has decided not to reveal the gender of their child to anyone until the child is old enough to make a decision about what gender he/she most identifies with and is able to tell people for him/herself what the gender is.  The baby is named Storm and not even the grandparents know if it is a boy or a girl, even though the baby is several months old.

The parents are making the argument that as parents we force too much on our children, and children should be allowed to come to these decisions naturally, but the article made me think more about how our gender affects us than about parenting techniques.

I think that one of the core elements required for a successful marriage is the successful navigation of gender-related differences between the husband and the wife.  The longer we are married, the better I get at this, but we both tend to ignore some issues related to gender and to exaggerate other issues.

When you get right down to it, while you can clearly identify some of our characteristics as being at least gender-driven if not entirely as a result of our gender, other things are less clear.  Do my daughter and I love shoes because we are girls, or is it just a part of our personality?  Does Barney enjoy yard work so much because he is a guy or is that just a part of his personality?

Those questions probably cannot be reliably answered and would receive a variety of answers if discussed with sociologists or psychologists.  The more relevant question then is how can we best navigate our differences that put us on opposing sides of the gender spectrum in a way that is healthiest to our marriage?  One thing I know is that we first recognize our gender differences and then learn to appreciate the different strengths that this brings to our marriage instead of focusing on the negative aspects that drive each other crazy.

My goal here is to learn to appreciate those areas in which Barney's masculinity and maleness serves to enhance my life, such as his willingness to kill snakes and bugs, tackle home improvement projects, teach the kids to play sports, and take out the trashes rather than focusing on the other areas of what I consider to be his "boyness" that I find to be somewhat less appealing and thus easier to focus on.  I also want to get better at encouraging his interests outside our of mutual interests that are more masculine in nature and thus less appealing to me. 

Day 160: Our Church, Our Faith

If I am being honest, I would have to say that there is a chance we would have skipped church today had we not had plans to eat lunch with friends afterwards.  The kids were still sleeping when we had to get up in time to get to church, and it was very tempting just to keep sleeping ourselves.  But, we dragged ourselves out of bed and got the kids up and ready as well.  Ironically, right before we left, our friends called and cancelled. 

We headed into town anyway only to discover that the interstate was completely closed, forcing us on a 15 minute detour that made us late for church, which was also disgruntling.  But, once we were there, I was so glad to be there.  We haven't been to our church in the last two weeks, though we have been at church.  I missed the worship, and I really enjoyed getting to worship with Barney.  We had a good conversation afterwards about  our church, style of worship, and a bit on the sermon as well.

Barney is a very private person when it comes to worship.  He has never enjoyed sharing in small groups or Sunday Schools, and he has never really found a comfortable way to share his worship or study experiences with me either.  We have had long conversations about this in the past, and lately much of it has centered on making sure that he is sharing his faith with the children.  While he has gotten much better at that aspect of it, he does not do as well with me.  If I initiate a conversation about something faith-based, he will talk to me, but only to a point.  And, he never but never initiates that type of conversation himself.  I know that one of the best ways to strengthen our marriage would be to embark upon some kind of shared worship experience like a couple's Bible study, a devotional, or even a regular couple's prayer time (we pray together as a family at every meal and before the kids go to bed, but we don't have a designated or set prayer time for just the two of us).

I don't know how to initiate it in a way that Barney would feel comfortable with or that would happen in any way other than me forcing it on him, which I know would not be a healthy situation.  Our marriage is lacking in this area, and I don't know how to fix it.

Days 157-159: Boy Time and Me Time

We have reached that point in pregnancy where we are making few plans because of the chance, however slim, that the baby comes early.  But, I still have some things on my to-do list, such as a haircut, a pedicure, and some me time.

So, I made an appointment to get my haircut yesterday and built in time for a little bit of shopping beforehand.  While there are many advantages to working from home as a couple, alone time is something that is very rare and very precious these days.  So, for me to get two hours to shop, eat lunch, and read my book by myself was amazing.

In the meantime, Barney had his brother and two brothers-in-laws coming into town for a guy's night last night.  When I got done with my haircut, I picked up the kids and headed to my parent's house, leaving the four guys to their own devices at our house.  I am not sure what all transpired, but I know that as much as I needed a lunch to myself with just a book, Barney needed some all testosterone, manly time for himself.

Then, this morning, they played in a golf tournament at my parents' course.  My mom told me she was taking the kids to the course for the morning under her care, leaving me with an unexpected second gift of time to myself in the morning.  I had planned to spend it working but instead fell immediately asleep and slept for over two and a half hours.  It was amazing.

Barney got very little sleep in the last twenty four hours and played very hard during his waking hours.  I came home to a house that had been well-lived in by four boys without any female supervision (read: rather messy and not at all like I left it).  Despite both of those possible setbacks, both of us are refreshed and in a really good frame of mind.  Sometimes the best thing that we can do for our marriage is to spend a little time apart, and this time was an example of some of our most-needed recharge. 

I don't really think it's absence makes the heart grows fonder as much in our case as much as it is a recognition that no matter how great a marriage, not every need will ever be met by one relationship, and tending to those other needs from time to time is an extremely important component to keeping that relationship in good working order.  Our weekend was just what the doctor ordered :)

Days 154-156: Armchair Musings

I title this armchair musings because I have hit that inevitable stage in late pregnancy where the only thing that I really feel is so, so done with being pregnant.  I am the opposite of what I have been for the last few months--I have no energy, drive, motivation, or even brain power really.  I can't focus for long on anything, and I am accomplishing a tiny percentile of what I have become accustomed to fitting into each day.  The one thing that I have managed to do is to finally finish Bush's memoir, which I first started in New Orleans.

As I read the last pages tonight, I was struck again by how impressed I continue to be by Laura Bush.  What I am going to say next would probably get me booed on many a stage, especially by many women, but I believe that there are some characteristics that are inherent to both genders, meaning that there are some areas in which women in general are better at than men and vice versa.  One area that I believe tends to be more of a strength for women is serving in a supporting/supportive role to a spouse.  While I believe that Laura Bush is very much an independent woman, and it is well known that she holds firm to some beliefs that are not consistent with what her husband believes, as far as I can tell she never as First Lady sought to put herself before her husband or to promote herself in her own right.  Instead, she appears to have put much of her time and energy throughout all eight years into finding the best possible ways to support her husband as he worked to excel in what has to be one of the absolute toughest jobs in the world.

To Bush's credit, one thing that I think he does better than most men is to both acknowledge and appreciate how much his wife's actions helped him throughout his career.  My father-in-law shares that characteristic with Bush.  Both men have wives who have devoted their lives to their husbands and their husband's careers, and both men seem to really understand the valuable impact that their wives have on their lives and to regularly show their appreciation of their wives.  I think that one reason so many women have shied away from wanting to serve as a support system is simply because they never received any credit or acknowledgement outside of occasional lip service for the hard work and the impact that their actions had on their husbands and their husbands' careers.

As I said before, I believe that the role of supporter, while not only Biblically designated as the wife's role, is also something that comes more naturally to women than it does to men.  It is hard for me to picture a man excelling in the role of First Husband or First Spouse or whatever the title would be.  Most marriages I can think of where the woman is the dominant person in the marriage are unhappy marriages.  Unfortunately for me, being the supporter is not something that comes very naturally.  I have to work at it, and while I believe I am improving, it is not second nature for me by any means.  I grew up believing that it was my destiny and right to be a completely equal partner in marriage, and it didn't occur to me until long after our wedding vows that one can be equal and take on the role of supporter at the same time.

I don't want to wear the pants in the family, and honestly, I don't think that I really do anymore.  But, the house dress and heels still feel entirely alien to me as well.  Barney and I make our living in unconventional ways, and we are forging an unconventional partnership to match.  There are no marriages that I can think of that we want to model completely, so we are picking and choosing what seems to be the best from those marriages that we most admire and are the most successful, from our parents and grandparents, to longtime friends, and even to world leaders like the Bushes.  I hope that one day our children will reflect back on the example that we modeled and find that while not perfect, we did a good job of making our marriage, and each other, a constant priority in our lives and that they will find things in our marriages that they want to emulate in their own marriages with their future spouses.

Days 151-153: A Great Birthday Weekend

Being tired is not a new sensation for me, but the kind of tired that I feel tonight is about as tired as I ever have felt.  This weekend was really an amazing weekend for me, and I would not trade one moment of it, but I would be lying if I didn't admit just how worn out I am.

Friday was a crazy day for our house.  We had a plumber installing a water softener from about 10:00am until after 9:00pm.  We had window cleaners cleaning the inside and outside of our windows for several hours, we had two women cleaning our house in preparation for the weekend, and we had our trim guy destroying and rebuilding our rock fireplace in preparation for installing a mantle.  All of this happened on top of trying to cook for the weekend and my regular workload.

Then, Marshall and his wife got into town for the weekend, and the festivities began.  We went out to eat then came home for the first of three of our big board games.  Of course, I would go on to win.  But, the game was a long one--we called it a night at midnight in preparation for our early morning, which turned out to be much earlier than expected when our nephew woke up at 3:30 and did not calm down until almost 5:00am.

After that very short night, we were up at 6:30am for George's first t-ball game, which was freezing.  But, George had two great hits and seemed to enjoy the game for the most part.  Then, we went to breakfast with my parents (who had come up for the game) and Marshall and crew.  We tried a place a neighbor had recently recommended, and it was fantastic.  After breakfast, my parents went home and the rest of us headed to the zoo, which was a blast.  We got home from the zoo around 3:00, and all of us took a short nap.  At 4:00 we headed to a birthday party for a little boy on our street, and then from there we went to dinner with some other friends and Marshall, his wife, and son.  Then, it was back to our house for the completion of our first game and two subsequent games.  In a landmark occurrence, I won all three games of the weekend.  After the games, I started my work for the day and got to bed around 2:30. 

Back up at 7:30, I made bacon and brie quiche and yogurt parfaits for brunch for the crew while we all worked on getting things ready for the party, from cleaning up the house, to decorating, to food prep.  Barney surprised me with a giant mural of pictures of me from birth to now.  It was a great walk down memory lane.  Barney's family started trickling in around 1:00, and everyone was here by 3:00.  The party was amazing, and everyone stayed until about 7:30.  A couple of the women really stepped up and helped out with cleaning which was amazing too.  Barney also coordinated a recipe book for me where each family contributed at least one recipe along with a Bible verse and/or word of encouragement.  I was extremely touched by the work that both Barney and my family put into this project.  It is something I will always treasure.

Barney and I put the kids down pretty much right away, and then we cleaned until 9:00.  I am now taking a quick break from work but am close to being incapable of getting anything else done. 

I realize that this post was more of a catalogue of our weekend rather than a discussion on my ongoing attempts to improve at being a wife.  I post it despite that knowledge because I want it as a record of this amazing weekend and how special and loved I felt all throughout it.

Days 149 & 150 -- What I Was Trying to Say

Dear Barney,

Our fight last night was as much the result of my inability to express what I was really feeling as the result of any actions that occurred.  When I sat on the couch next to you for that hour without talking and you assumed that I was planning other ways to attack or criticize you, I was actually just trying to figure out how to put into words exactly what I was feeling and why.  Even now, more than 24 hours later, I haven’t figured out a concise way to tell you how I feel.   It seems that I may never get it exactly right for speech, so I thought I would try a letter.

As you know, before we met, I had a steady stream of boyfriends in my life, but in each of those relationships, without exception, there were really three people involved: the boyfriend, myself, and the backup boyfriend.  Each time, I knew somewhere deep inside that the boyfriend and I were not meant to be, and each time, I would somehow become involved with another guy who I knew was interested in me (these were not romantic involvements).  The backup was always someone who liked me far more than I would ever be able to like him back, and they were not guys I was actually interested in dating.  But, I knew that if the current BF and I broke up, there would be at least one person I could date.  Looking back, this very negative pattern shows a lot about my insecurities and fears.  It is not something I am proud of or admit to lightly.

Then, I met you, and I made a conscious choice not to have close friendships with any other male outside of our family.  Since that time, I have never become close friends with a guy, and I have never found myself becoming interested in another man or thinking that if things were different in my life I could be interested in any particular guy.  I have known since before we married that the void you filled in my life could never be adequately filled by any other person, and should I lose you today, I know that I would never experience the same depth of feeling for any other person who might come along.  I am not blind to your shortcomings, and I am certainly not immune from becoming annoyed, frustrated, and angry at you.  But, you are my soul mate and the love of my life.  Our relationship is priceless to me.

I don’t want you to think that I fear or believe that you would leave me for another woman, because I don’t believe that.  Even taking our love out of the equation, you are too good of a father to raise your children in a broken home, and you are too loyal of a son, and I know it goes against all of your religious beliefs.  But, while I am secure in knowing that you are mine for as long as we both shall live, last night I was vividly reminded that I want you to stay not just because you are a good man who sticks with his obligations, but I want you to want me in the same way that I want and need you. 

I know that our love is strong, but I also know that it would be possible for me to squander it to the point that the idea of another woman could begin to feel appealing to you.  I want to be the kind of wife to you who fulfills all of your needs and holds your love of her own accord and not just as part of the family unit.  I didn’t do a very good job of that last night, and while I am not justifying the fight I picked, I am sincere in saying that it was out of a gut reaction of the fear that you might one day find it easier to imagine loving someone else than loving me.  My apology is not for what I was feeling but for how I reacted, and my promise is to spend less time reacting and more time working on being the woman of your dreams.

I love you.

Days 147 & 148 -- Teamwork

This weekend marks the last of our big events before the BIG event (ie the upcoming birth).  This weekend, we are hosting a birthday party for my big 3-0.  I was decidedly against this party, which Barney has been pushing on me for literally months.  I kept thinking he would give into my logic, but for some reason, he was very insistent on getting to host some kind of shindig to commemorate the big occasion.  I have never seen him so persistent on a topic, so I finally gave in, but I only agreed to have family.  So, we are expecting about 20 people in all to come over on Sunday for burgers, brats, and hot dogs.  While all of my family has seen the house before, this will be the first time that anyone from Barney's side of the family (outside of Marshall) has seen the house.  (And speaking of Marshall, he and his family are spending the whole weekend here in order to get some quality brother time in, seeing as how Marshall is moving several states away in just a couple of months).

So, we are trying to get all of the house stuff done that we possibly can in preparation for this party.  We have been unpacked for a while, and our house has been mostly in order.  But, there are lots of little projects that we have set to tackle this week, like hanging pictures, cleaning out the garage, putting together some new outdoor chairs, etc.  It has been a time of great teamwork, and we are both getting to see our pet projects being taken care of.  Barney has a brand new lawn mower and weed eater, and he has been very excited to put both to good use over the last couple of days.  I have been working on as much indoor stuff as possible, and we are collaborating well on the projects that require both of our participation.

The house still has a few bigger projects that we are dealing with either due to needing our builder to finish up his end of the bargain or due to the flood (and in one case, due to a case of horrible customer service from a rather reputable store), but overall, things are starting to come together, and we are now taking several steps forward for each step back.  The house won't be perfectly finished before the little guy gets here, but it's going to be close.  Things don't feel so hectic anymore, and I think that both Barney and I are feeling the relief of it.  In fact, right now it feels like taking care of a newborn (even with two other little ones) will be a piece of cake compared to everything we've been having to deal with.

After baseball practice tonight, we swung by our old house to pick up some mail, and it was a very surreal experience.  It seems like a lifetime ago that we were living there and dealing with the stresses of trying to sell the house, house showings, and then packing up the house.  It has literally been less than six weeks but it feels like a whole different era in our lives.  We are so glad that we moved.  We really do love our house; we love our neighbors, and we love the area.  Despite everything, our home feels like home.  It's where we belong, and we are finally starting to get to enjoy that feeling as a family.  It might have been a rough six weeks, but it feels like the whole experience has ultimately drawn Barney and I closer together, though there were certainly moments during the last six weeks where I felt the opposite was true.  Now though, it feels like we have gotten in and used our own hands, hard work, and sweat to create a space where we can really grow together as a family.  Maybe it feels like home because we worked so hard to get there.  If it had been easy, the pride of ownership that we take now would have been diminished.

Days 144-146: More of the Same

I think that I have done a better job of late of taking the time to anticipate and care for Barney's needs/wishes in the last few days.  I am not sure that I could ever claim perfection in this area of course, but I am doing better than I have in a while.  For example, yesterday we went to a big festival with some new friends where we walked around with the kids in the Texas heat and participated in kid-friendly activities for several hours.  It was not a strenuous day per se, but I am getting to that point in pregnancy where I tire pretty easily again, and between the several hours of walking, the heat, and my pregnancy, I was totally wiped out.  I immediately crashed when we got home and put the kids down for their naps, and when I woke up, I had a long list of things that I wanted/needed to do.  But, I put them on hold because Barney was very excited to go shopping for a new lawn mower.  It took up several more hours of time, but ultimately, it seemed worth it.  Then, when we got home, I gave the kids a bath and put them to bed to allow Barney to be able to work on other activities.  Then, we watched a show together as a very rare treat before he watched soccer and I started on classes.  I was up until 2:00am working, and the kids got up at 7:00, so I never fell back asleep after that.

Today we went to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom, and so we both had a ton of stuff to do for work and to get ready for this weekend when we got home.  Barney was very tired, and he chose to watch soccer while I worked.  Instead of complaining about it, I just got as much done as I could (but not nearly enough unfortunately).  I have to admit that once the game was over, I discussed with him as nicely as possible that for the rest of the week, we probably will have to make work our first priority because we have so much to do to get ready for this party this weekend.

Hopefully the R&R time he got this weekend will ready him for the busy week that we have ahead of us, and hopefully I will continue to be able to remain equanimous rather than becoming overly stressed, which I feel coming on and am fighting as much as possible.

Days 142 & 143--Lost in Time?

The last two days have been a blur of work and to-do lists.  They weren't particularly bad or particularly good days, just particularly busy days.  We seem to be stuck in a rut of two steps forward, one step back these days, and it has started to get pretty frustrating for us both.  It doesn't help that we feel like we are just bleeding money these days either.

But, there were some good, sweet moments these last two days too.  Yesterday we went to Lowes to get some yard stuff, and they had roses on sale for $5.  So, we got three, and this afternoon we planted the roses and fixed up our front beds with the kids, which was fun (and exhausting!). 

After the yard excitement, I was totally wiped out this evening, and I let Barney know he was basically on his own for dinner.  My plan was basically to skip dinner, and I was holed up in our room working when Barney surprised me with bruschetta he made himself and spaghetti that he had re-heated the sauce and cooked the noodles.  It was totally unexpected and thus a very sweet surprise.

He continues to work on the yard, and I am just remaining as agreeable as possible so that he can get it exactly like he wants.  He seems to be working the same deal with the inside of the house stuff for me.  Even so, I feel like these last two days are those kinds of days that you basically forget even before they are over.  Nothing super significant happened, and there were no especially memorable moments.  I wonder if it is good to have those kinds of days from time to time or if I should be striving to make every day memorable for some reason for my husband and children?

Day 141--A Very, Very Unbirthday to Me

Somehow the depression that weighed me down yesterday was much abated from the time that I woke up this morning.  It was like I had survived turning 30 and lived to see the other side, or some other such nonsense.  I could go into all kinds of theories on the psychology behind this, but the bottom line is I'm not sure why yesterday got me so down and today was not the same.  I am definitely glad though.

Barney was really sweet and got up again this morning so that I could sleep in two days in a row, something I took a little better advantage of these last two days that I have been doing.  From that point forward though we really saw very little of each other today.  I had a litany of projects to work on today, and so did he.  Then, Marshall came over for a few hours, and they worked on guy stuff together.

During the brief times when we did see each other today, I tried to reiterate to him how much I appreciated the thought he put into yesterday, and I tried to let him know how grateful I am for having such a sweet and loving husband.  I also refrained from pushing him to work on the home projects that I really wanted to work on when I realized how much work he was trying to catch up on after Marshall's unannounced (but of course very welcomed) visit.  That sounds pretty obvious, but it felt like a sacrifice of sorts to move those items from today's to-do list to tomorrow's. 

Day 140--Happy Birthday to Me

I have never been much good at my own birthday.  Historically, the problem has been that I always went into the day with these impossibly high expectations--wanting to be blown away and utterly amazed at whatever people had planned for me.  This year, that was not the case.  If I'm being honest, I spent very little time thinking about my birthday before today, in part because there has been so much else going on, and perhaps in larger part because I really don't relish the idea of being 30.  At least for me, it has an uncomfortable way of forcing me to think about my own mortality, which is not the most pleasant way to pass the time.

But, despite the lack of expectations, it still wasn't my best day or a day that I will relish in memory.  The pathetic part about this is that it was certainly not for a lack of trying on Barney's part.  I have always emphasized to him in the past that what I want most for any celebration is to know that he put effort into trying to make the day special.  In other words, it really is the thought that counts.  A well-thought out small present is worth far more to me than an expensive present bought at the last minute (especially since we share a bank account ;).

Today, there were no presents (that was what we did this weekend on our shopping trip). So, instead he focused just on making me feel special.  He made me a homemade breakfast that we shared with the kids.  Then we went into town for lunch at a restaurant he had found online and thought I would like (and it was really good food).  We hurried back to be in time for when the nanny had to leave, and then got some work done this afternoon.  For dinner, he actually hired a personal chef to come and cook us a four course meal at our house.  The menu was carefully hand-picked by Barney and is as follows: bruschetta, a salad with pears, pancetta, walnuts, and balsamic vinagrette, filet mignon and asparagus, and then pots de creme for dessert.  He also bought me birthday cake from two bakeries in town and gave me red roses.  He was incredibly sweet all day long--truly it was a very well-planned day and showed just how well he knows me and what I like.

Despite all of that, turning 30 just didn't feel fun.  It felt depressing and sad, and I also battled all day long to suppress my hopes of being given a kitten as a special birthday surprise.  It was not so much that I had to have a kitten today as much as it is that I believe that if he didn't give me one for this major milestone, chances that he is going to allow me to get one in the next year are very slim.  Today was grand gesture day, and that grand gesture was nowhere to be seen.  I know that I am not going to force him to allow me to have a cat, nor do I even plan to ask for one again.  So, today meant having to try to really let go of that hope/expectation.  It hurt, and I am sure it will continue to hurt.  However, I know that Barney is not taking this position because he doesn't love or care about me, and he worked so hard today to show just how much he does love and care about me.  Because I love and care about him just as much, I feel I owe it to him to see just what life without a cat will be like for me. 

We will soon be wrapped up again in a haze of new baby and learning to be the parents of three.  I may just find that for now, having one less dependent creature to love and take care of may not be the worst thing for me after all.

Days 138 & 139--Better Days

I know that saying this will sound bad, but it is actually true--yesterday was good for me because Barney and I spent much of the day apart, and I got to spend my day shopping with the girls for baby things.  Most marriages have a far, far greater amount of time where the spouses are apart than what we have in our marriage.  We probably average over 20 hours per day each day within the same building, if not room, as one another.  While in many ways, this makes us lucky, it has its own challenges, as I am sure most married people can easily imagine.

No matter how much you love someone, time apart from one another is a crucial part of maintaining a healthy relationship, as long as you are not spending too much time apart or spending the time apart unwisely.  When we lived in the big city, we actually had more time apart than we do now because we both would head out and run various errands here and there throughout the day.  But, here in the country, going anywhere is an ordeal, and with gas prices where they are, it is not fun just to drive for the fun of it.  So, we tend to wait until we've collected a variety of errands and then will go together, usually with the kids, and run them all at once.

None of that is bad by any means, but it can be hard to decompress from stressful or tense moments with one another if there is no time apart, and if we aren't careful, tension can really start to build.  All of that to say that it was great for me to get to go out and shop with the girls yesterday.  It made for a much more fun evening, and then that carried over to today.  We also got a lot of outside social interaction today with church, a visit from a good friend, and then dinner with new friends.  It's amazing to me how sometimes what our relationship seems to need most is interaction from people outside of our relationship.

Days 136 & 137--Turning 30

Barney is working so hard to make my 30th birthday special for me.  I don't know if he senses that I am not looking forward to it as a milestone or just if he feels like it is a major milestone that should be celebrated.  Either way, he has worked hard already to try to make it a good birthday.  First, we got to go to my hometown last night to eat at my favorite restaurant, and then we drove over two hours to his sister's house to spend the night because it was part way to this huge flea market that I wanted to visit to get fun decorations for our house.  (The kids are with my parents).

Then, we drove another hour today to go the flea market, where we got several really cool things for the house.  We got home at a reasonable hour tonight, putting away our new goodies, then cooking a homemade dinner and watching a movie for the first time in our new house.

It should have been such a good day, but I continue to be plagued by sadness over the loss of my cat, and Barney continues to make it clear that he does not want to get a new one.  So, in addition to mourning my cat, I also am struggling with a wide range of emotions, from anger to resentment, over the knowledge that I am not going to get a new cat in the future.  It is hard for me to be honest or to interact well with Barney right now because I am on the one hand so touched at his obvious attempts to make me feel special while also almost seething with resentment over the knowledge that the one thing I want most is not going to happen.

As with any other issue we have faced, I know this will work itself out, but in the meantime, I am just a bit at a loss these days.

Days 134 & 135--My Saddest Days So Far

Yesterday my cat went missing.  He hated the fans all over the house that are so loud, and when workers were in and out at some point, he slipped out.  We thought he was just hiding (which is what he's been doing since the fans came on), so we are not sure what time exactly he got out.  But, the bottom line is that he is nowhere to be found.  Since we just moved and since his tag has our old home phone on it, we don't think there is a very good chance of him coming home.

I am very sad about this, and it has made me very resentful of the house and its issues in general.  So, it has made everything hard for me, including interactions with Barney.  I know that he does not want another cat, and I know equally well that I will strongly want another cat.  I have long known that we would one day have this issue, but I didn't realize it would be so soon.  I will have to think long and hard about this because I have had a cat my whole life, and it is very much a part of who I am.  But, I know that Barney has valid points as well.  Right now I am so emotional about the subject that I have very little perspective, but this will be something that will cause issues for us no matter what.  I know that my first step is to pray about it, and from there, I am really unsure of where to go next.

Day 133--Deflating Our Sails, Again

Today was definitely not our best day.  We had service people in our house from 8:30am until 9:30pm with little breaks in between--the plumber came three times, the builder actually came once, the appliance service guys came, a water softener salesman wasted over an hour of our time, the electricians were here, and then the water extraction guy was here for over three hours.  And, at the end of the day nothing is fixed that was not fixed yesterday, and the report is that the damage to our house is worse than initially expected, and we have several more days of fans ahead of us.  In addition to fans, they took off our baseboards (which are ruined) and drilled holes in our walls to suck the moisture out.  They also took out all of our living room furniture which has been replaced with fancy floor mats and special tubing.  The plumber also decided that he is no longer interested in covering the costs of this adventure. 

Barney is very flustered at this point.  His unwavering faith that things will soon work out on our house is starting to flag.  Instead, we are looking at a looming due date and a house that is far from being suitable for a newborn.  It is hard not to take our frustration over this situation out on each other, but we are both working hard at it.  Today we both felt so mired down that it was hard to do anything--even work.  But, we rallied some tonight, put together some potential plans of action, and prepared for another round of this tomorrow.  I sort of stepped up today and made some broad statements about the direction I would like us to start taking in terms of our plan of action for the house, which I have avoided really doing thus far.  Tomorrow my goal is to step back again and let Barney take the reigns back on the various house issues.  I made my viewpoints known, but ultimately, I am going to stand beside his decisions, even if I do offer both advice and suggestions on what I think those should be.  I am reading George W. Bush's memoir of his presidency right now, and I am constantly struck by how much he talks about relying on Laura as support, as an advisor, and as his sanctuary.  It seems to be an extremely healthy marriage, and she is becoming something of a role model to me in terms of how to be a wife.  She is her own person, but she takes her place beside her husband with amazing grace.  She has her own viewpoints on issues that sometimes differ from her husband, but she manages to support him without compromising her own viewpoints.  She seems to know when to intervene, when to stand down, and when to be there to support her husband.  All of those things are exactly the balance I hope to strike.