Friday, April 29, 2011

Days 136 & 137--Turning 30

Barney is working so hard to make my 30th birthday special for me.  I don't know if he senses that I am not looking forward to it as a milestone or just if he feels like it is a major milestone that should be celebrated.  Either way, he has worked hard already to try to make it a good birthday.  First, we got to go to my hometown last night to eat at my favorite restaurant, and then we drove over two hours to his sister's house to spend the night because it was part way to this huge flea market that I wanted to visit to get fun decorations for our house.  (The kids are with my parents).

Then, we drove another hour today to go the flea market, where we got several really cool things for the house.  We got home at a reasonable hour tonight, putting away our new goodies, then cooking a homemade dinner and watching a movie for the first time in our new house.

It should have been such a good day, but I continue to be plagued by sadness over the loss of my cat, and Barney continues to make it clear that he does not want to get a new one.  So, in addition to mourning my cat, I also am struggling with a wide range of emotions, from anger to resentment, over the knowledge that I am not going to get a new cat in the future.  It is hard for me to be honest or to interact well with Barney right now because I am on the one hand so touched at his obvious attempts to make me feel special while also almost seething with resentment over the knowledge that the one thing I want most is not going to happen.

As with any other issue we have faced, I know this will work itself out, but in the meantime, I am just a bit at a loss these days.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Days 134 & 135--My Saddest Days So Far

Yesterday my cat went missing.  He hated the fans all over the house that are so loud, and when workers were in and out at some point, he slipped out.  We thought he was just hiding (which is what he's been doing since the fans came on), so we are not sure what time exactly he got out.  But, the bottom line is that he is nowhere to be found.  Since we just moved and since his tag has our old home phone on it, we don't think there is a very good chance of him coming home.

I am very sad about this, and it has made me very resentful of the house and its issues in general.  So, it has made everything hard for me, including interactions with Barney.  I know that he does not want another cat, and I know equally well that I will strongly want another cat.  I have long known that we would one day have this issue, but I didn't realize it would be so soon.  I will have to think long and hard about this because I have had a cat my whole life, and it is very much a part of who I am.  But, I know that Barney has valid points as well.  Right now I am so emotional about the subject that I have very little perspective, but this will be something that will cause issues for us no matter what.  I know that my first step is to pray about it, and from there, I am really unsure of where to go next.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Day 133--Deflating Our Sails, Again

Today was definitely not our best day.  We had service people in our house from 8:30am until 9:30pm with little breaks in between--the plumber came three times, the builder actually came once, the appliance service guys came, a water softener salesman wasted over an hour of our time, the electricians were here, and then the water extraction guy was here for over three hours.  And, at the end of the day nothing is fixed that was not fixed yesterday, and the report is that the damage to our house is worse than initially expected, and we have several more days of fans ahead of us.  In addition to fans, they took off our baseboards (which are ruined) and drilled holes in our walls to suck the moisture out.  They also took out all of our living room furniture which has been replaced with fancy floor mats and special tubing.  The plumber also decided that he is no longer interested in covering the costs of this adventure. 

Barney is very flustered at this point.  His unwavering faith that things will soon work out on our house is starting to flag.  Instead, we are looking at a looming due date and a house that is far from being suitable for a newborn.  It is hard not to take our frustration over this situation out on each other, but we are both working hard at it.  Today we both felt so mired down that it was hard to do anything--even work.  But, we rallied some tonight, put together some potential plans of action, and prepared for another round of this tomorrow.  I sort of stepped up today and made some broad statements about the direction I would like us to start taking in terms of our plan of action for the house, which I have avoided really doing thus far.  Tomorrow my goal is to step back again and let Barney take the reigns back on the various house issues.  I made my viewpoints known, but ultimately, I am going to stand beside his decisions, even if I do offer both advice and suggestions on what I think those should be.  I am reading George W. Bush's memoir of his presidency right now, and I am constantly struck by how much he talks about relying on Laura as support, as an advisor, and as his sanctuary.  It seems to be an extremely healthy marriage, and she is becoming something of a role model to me in terms of how to be a wife.  She is her own person, but she takes her place beside her husband with amazing grace.  She has her own viewpoints on issues that sometimes differ from her husband, but she manages to support him without compromising her own viewpoints.  She seems to know when to intervene, when to stand down, and when to be there to support her husband.  All of those things are exactly the balance I hope to strike.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Day 132--Happy Easter!

The flood yesterday threw all of our Easter plans for the weekend right up into the air or out the window, depending on how you look at it.  My parents had to come get our children so that we could focus on dealing with the water covering our bottom floor.  Then, the question was whether or not to move our festivities for the Easter meal from our house to my parent's house.  We had been planning to fix Easter lunch here for a while, though that almost got cancelled once it was apparent that we would still not have reliably working appliances.  Then, we decided to just cook out on the grill, so we were back on here.  But, when our house flooded, I wanted to cry uncle and move the party to my parent's house.  My parents were fine with the plan.  But, Barney was very afraid to be gone from our house for so long because if the water were to start coming out again, then we would not be here, and we could sustain large damage to our house and property.  While I felt fairly confident that this would not happen, it was clear that Barney just ultimately was not going to be comfortable leaving the house.

My options were whittled down to two basic options: have Easter at my parent's house without Barney or keep it here and have to get everything ready for the festivities despite the recent flood and house full of water extraction equipment.  Ultimately, I could not go with a plan that would leave Barney out of the family celebrations, so I texted my mom to see if we could still have everyone over.  She graciously agreed, and so we got to work on getting the food fixed (much of the food was also brought by my family), the house cleaned up, and everything ready for today.

We also could not go to church since that would require us to be gone for over two hours, which Barney was not comfortable doing at all.  So, we watched church on our computers from live streaming.   Then, we got right back to work.  The house looked pretty normal (outside of the guestroom at least) by the time everyone arrived, and I think that everyone had a good time.  Nothing was lost outside of some sleep, so I think it was a good decision.  And, the good news is that we are facing a week where we should not have major home projects that we are working on, so maybe we will get some recuperation time. 

Once we got the kitchen cleaned and the fans back up, Barney took the rest of the night off to relax and watch a soccer game.  While I had to work, I was really glad that he got some down time, because he has been going non-stop just as much as I have the last few weeks, and he deserves this break.  Tomorrow we have about 15 different contractors/repair people supposedly coming, so it will be another busy day for him (he deals with almost all of that, thank goodness for me).

But, for tonight, he is off the clock, and as of the end of this sentence, so will I be--bedtime for this tired person :)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Days 130 & 131--A Flood of Distractions

Yesterday marked the end of our major house projects in terms of unpacking and organizing the house.  We finished up the last room in the house, which technically speaking isn't in the house--the garage.  It was a hard workday, and we crashed early.  So, today was supposed to be the start of a new era of living here and not having major projects.  Then, while we were all at a birthday party this morning for a couple of hours, our house literally flooded as a result of a faulty reverse osmosis system that was installed earlier this week.  We came home to standing water in most of the downstairs that was already ankle deep.  Needless to say, we did not spend the day focusing much on our marriage.  It was disaster mode at hour house.  Barney is stressed in a way that is very rare for him, and I am finding this whole thing hard to process at all.  Tomorrow my family is coming over for an Easter cookout (since we still have no stove and an unreliable oven), and then Monday the repairs should hopefully commence in earnest.  Until then, we are working together as a team just to survive this house at this point . . .

Thursday, April 21, 2011

DAys 128 & 129--Feeling Convicted

I've been feeling convicted the last couple of days that I have let my focus slide from my marriage and over to my house a bit too often lately.  They are so tied together that it can feel very easy to justify my tunnel vision on getting our house in order.  After all, this is the hearth and home for both of us, so making it look good and feel like home seems like it is as much for him as it is for me.  But, part of me has always known that while he loves this house and is just as vested in it as I am, I have not been doing this for him--in part, it is for me, in part it is the challenge and the drive to see a job well done, and then in part it is for Barney and the kids.

I know that once Jefferson makes his grand entrance, it will be even harder to make my marriage a central focus in my life, so I really need to spend the next month focusing on the marriage and on Barney.  There have been moments of late where I have seen glimpses of our relationship as it was prior to embarking on this project, and I am not liking what I see.  Even with our trip to New Orleans, we did not connect as much as I was hoping to--it's not that things are bad between us.  It's more like static.  Or even worse, secondary.  It feels like both of us have placed our focus just outside of the realm of our relationship, leaving it to become slightly wilted--much like the roses I so desperately need to water in the pots outside our front door.  I am making a Post-It note to remind me that I need to water the roses, and I cannot allow something like that to ever be higher on my to-do list than making my marriage a priority.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Days 126 & 127--Highs and Lows

Man, yesterday was a great day.  We got home and were super motivated to get a great deal of our projects completed.  Both of us were so glad to be here and so happy to see the progress we made on our house while we were gone.

Then, today was a little rough.  Things that were supposed to be completed by contractors were not completed, and we went without electricity for most of the morning, making it hard for us to get much done in terms of work.  BUT, I unpacked the last box in the house today.  There are still boxes in the garage, but most of that is either garage items, outside items, or things that we plan to quickly get rid of.  So, that was a very exciting moment.  I am also down to only one room (the office) that is not largely put together.

The awesome thing that happened today was that my brother and his sweet wife came to visit, and it was just the infusion we needed.  They bought Barney a belated birthday dinner at our new local Mexican restaurant, and the kids were so excited to see them as well.  It was a refreshing break from worrying over household items, and it did more for Barney than I did all day.  It was a complete break from housework, which I could tell Barney really needed.  I need to figure out more diversions on a daily basis like that for him I think.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Days 124 & 125--Preparations for Home

We woke up yesterday, and all thoughts were on home.  We were missing our children, and all of our house projects were back in the forefront of our mind.  So, after some relatively quick last minute sightseeing, we were on our way back to the in-laws.  We had an uneventful trip and got to the house around 6:00, so we got to spend a couple of quality hours with the kids, which was awesome.  Barney's spirits came back, and it was wonderful to watch his ongoing interactions with the kids and his family.  We will be headed home in separate cars today so that we can bring home a new buffet that we bought in New Orleans. 

So, it's going to be a long five hours, but I can't wait to get home!  We should be leaving very soon, and our last opportunity for R&R before Jefferson gets here will nothing but a memory.  I think that had Marshall not ended up going, we would likely have cancelled the trip due to all of our house activities, but I am so glad that we went.  Even with the slightly disappointing day, it was good to have some time away from all that has consumed us in the past few weeks.  I hope that Barney and I reconnected in a variety of ways, and I believe that we did.

There doesn't seem to be any such thing as a pretty free week for us anymore, and this coming week is no exception.  But, I feel pretty rejuvenated and ready to tackle our projects again :)

Friday, April 15, 2011

Day 123--A Slight Disappointment

On paper, today was great.  We slept in, got some work done, and spent the rest of the day eating good food, shopping, and seeing the sights.  But, somehow we just never really felt connected.  I felt like Barney was somewhere else all day long, and he didn't seem to really be enjoying himself.  When I asked him about it, he would put on a big smile, apologize, and try to get into the spirit of things, but it never quite seemed to work.  I'm not sure what exactly was going on, but I really hope that it does not continue into tomorrow.  We are headed back to the in-laws to see the kids tomorrow, which I am very excited about, and we will head home on Sunday, which I am also excited about despite the total lack of evidence that any of the promised work was done on our house while we were gone.

I am not sure what exactly was wrong today or how exactly to fix it.  Hopefully it was just a fluke and tomorrow will be better--there were not any fights or obvious reasons for tension, so I am going to go to bed hopeful that things will be better tomorrow.  It seems like they usually are.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Day 122--Having Fun, Rain or Shine

Today really was a great day.  We all got to sleep in, though I was the first up at 8:30.  I did a little bit of school work, and then got ready for the day.  We met up for breakfast downstairs about 9:30, and it was really yummy.  We then meandered through the French Quarter, poking around in shops until we hit Canal Street, where we picked up the cable car, intending to go to the Garden District.  Unfortunately, we ended up way past the district without realizing it, which meant that it took us a while to get back and lead to a very late lunch.  But, the food was great, and then the went shopping on Magazine Street while the boys stopped off for Happy Hour.  They met up with us later for more shopping, and then we hopped the trolley back over to the French District and headed to the waterfront for a stroll before another very good meal.  By 8:30, we were back at our hotel and totally wiped.  I would estimate that we walked a good seven miles today, which is hard work at seven months pregnant.  We watched a movie on our computers and said good night to Marshall and his wife.  I am now done with classes and headed to join my sleeping husband.

It was honestly a really fun day that had little itinerary and lots of charm.  I think that Barney is very glad to be enjoying this time with Marshall before Marshall moves across the country in a few short months.  He takes them to the airport very early in the morning, and then he and I will spend another day and a half or so here just the two of us.  Today was not really about he and I as much as it was just a fun day as a group.  It will also be fun tomorrow to be just the two of us.  I have no set plans other than to see what fun adventures we can find.  I guess I better go get some sleep so that I will be ready when the sun comes up :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 121--Blessed

If I am totally honest about this trip, I would have to admit that I really didn't put much thought or energy into the trip as it began to loom upon us other than to see it as a deadline for getting stuff around the house completed.  I wasn't excited or unexcited--it just was.  Then, we left for the trip, and I began to feel apprehensive because I hadn't planned enough, or at least recently enough, to have a clear idea of what we would do or what the trip would be like.

But, then we got here, and what I have felt most today is blessed.  I have felt the blessing of my children in being away from them for the first time in two weeks.  The day-to-day irritations very quickly fade, and what I already miss so much are the wonderfully sweet and good-natured babies that I am so blessed with.  I have felt the blessing of my new house--the B&B we are at is very lovely, but I don't find it as lovely as my home, and that is surely a blessing.  I have felt the blessings of my families--the ones caring for my children and the ones willing to take time from their busy schedules to check on things at my new home.  I have felt the blessings of having in-laws who are also friends, as having Marshall and his wife here has been a wonderful addition to the trip, not just because Barney loves spending time with his brother but because I do too.  I have felt the blessing of time--time to rest, time to read, time to drink hot chocolate, eat beignets, and enjoy some amazing food.

Mostly though, I have felt the blessing of having married my soul mate.  Seeing him experience New Orleans has been better than experiencing it myself.  At one point tonight, I heard a woman on a cell phone talking to a loved one back home and telling that person how much she loved and missed him.  My immediate impulse was that I needed to connect with my person too, so I reached out and took his hand, and it was one of those clarifying moments where I realized that sometimes even when we know how lucky we are, we fail to see our blessings because we have allowed them to become trivialized, mundane, or everyday.  Being in a strange city has only reinforced to me what I should already know, which is that home for me is not a house (no matter how much I love it) but a blessing that was given to me in the form of an amazing husband and our equally amazing children.

New Orleans is strange, wonderful, and indescribably different from my world, and I am in no danger of being one of the people who come and never leave though I am so glad to be here and experiencing what it has to offer.  But, I will leave here with a greater awareness of the fullness of what I go home to and the importance of both recognizing and protecting that blessing.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Days 119 & 120--A Job Well Done . . . Ish

Well, tomorrow marks two weeks in our new home. I can officially say that all of our boxes that are not staying in boxes are unpacked except for the books that are awaiting the arrival of bookshelves.

The house is far from being where I want it to be before Jefferson makes his grand appearance though. Luckily I still have about seven weeks left.

Barney continues to love the house, and he has many projects to keep him busy. But, that is all going to have to wait because we are officially on our way to New Orleans, via a stop at the in-laws tonight.

This week is going to be all about some quality grown up time with just my sweetie and I. (And Marshall and his wife too!). My goal this week is simply to make sure that he has the best time possible and gets to enjoy some real down time.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Days 117 & 118--Vacation from My Problems?

We leave in less than two days for our big trip to New Orleans, and in some ways it could not have come at a better time.  Neither Barney nor I have really taken anything resembling a break for weeks now.  We haven't even watched a 20 minute show, read any books, gone on any walks, etc.

Our time is divided between four things: working, caring for the children, house-related items like unpacking, shopping, etc, and dealing with food.  We are down to one room and one major project--the kitchen and my books (which we cannot do until my new bookshelves arrive, hopefully next week).  Then, we will have lots of little projects, but the boxes will essentially be gone.

It is my goal to get the kitchen unpacked and put away before we leave on our trip, which means I have a lot of work to do.  Barney has been working as much as he can on his own projects (mostly outside and the office), but he has been really great about pitching in where he can, like breaking down boxes and putting up the shelving pins.

I am still working to maintain a strong awareness of Barney's needs and to offer little ways to show him I love him, such as organizing his closet for him once it was apparent that it was something he was avoiding rather than looking forward to (I guess I am weird that I like organizing my closet???) even though what I really wanted to be doing was working in the kitchen.  But, really, the house has come before either of us for the last many days, and I am looking forward to this trip and the opportunity to spend time just enjoying one another without any distractions outside of our ongoing work schedules.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Days 115 & 116--The Story of a Tree

We have one lonely tree on our entire two acres of land.  Well, technically there is a half tree decorative thing out front, but there is only one real tree.  It is in the far, far back corner of the land, beyond the swamp pit and nestled amidst some grass that seems fairly normal from the house but turns out to be taller than Olivia.

Since moving to our new house, I have discovered a surprising fact--for Barney, our yard was the number one reason for our move out of the big city and into the small town.  I honestly thought that we came here for the schools and that anything else was just a bonus, but apparently that was not the case for him.  So, since we have gotten here, the yard has been a big deal to him.  He has actively wanted to mow and jumped at the opportunity when my dad offered to come mow the other day with Barney's assistance.  He loves to go to hardware stores and look at trees, grass seed, grass seed dispersing gear, lawn mowers, and etc.  This has all been somewhat of a surprise to me because in our old house he had zero interest in lawn maintenance and would actively complain when I insisted on anything other than the bare minimum of weeding.

So, back to the tree.  Our one lonely tree had obviously either been long neglected by human care or never had been trimmed by a human, so it resembled nothing as much as a really overgrown and scraggly bush.  Barney has been itching for days to go out and trim the tree, but first he could not find our tree trimmers, and then it turned out the grass was too tall and he was too short to reach the branches, and then I needed him on projects inside.  I can unpack all day, but much of the hanging and arranging of things require assistance because of my pregnant state of being.

This morning though he patiently hung two curtains, a towel rod, two towel hooks, and a picture for me before slipping out of the house with my mother's ladder and his newly purchased tree trimmer and then spent a good two hours working on the tree.  After a neighbor warned of possible snakes in that high grass, the kids stayed inside with me while we periodically watched the progress outside.  He was meticulous and dedicated, and after two hours, it no longer looks like an eyesore but is a pretty tree instead.  He was so proud of his work (and rightly so), and I was so glad that he did that instead of the variety of house projects that I had had in mind for this morning.  The satisfaction that he takes in a good looking yard is hard to beat, and it really did do a lot to make the back yard look at least a little better (it's going to be a while before we really see anything like its true potential though).

Trimming the tree meant that we had a much, much later start to our trip to see my sister-in-law who had knee surgery today, which also meant that I did not get to eat at my favorite restaurant and had to eat at a very poor substitute instead.  I knew that our late departure time definitely meant that my chances of getting to eat at my favorite place were going to be drastically reduced.  And, I was quite disappointed, but as we got home tonight and seeing again the happiness that making that tree look good brought to Barney made the sacrifice seem in hindsight like a no-brainer. 

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 114--The Office

Well, we have pretty much done a room a day.  We started with the bedrooms and bathrooms and have now virtually finished the playroom, made serious progress on the guestroom, and tonight are doing the office.  The office is the one room of the house that is really more Barney's than anyone else's, even though he won't likely spend that much time in there anyway.  But, he is very much enjoying the arranging and setting up of things in there, while I am hugely exhausted.  It would be a bad, bad idea to stay up until 1:00am again for the 8th or 9th night in a row.  So, I am pretty well headed to bed in the next hour or so, and I will leave him to "his" room for tonight.  There is soooo, sooooo much to do still, but not tonight and not until I am better rested.

Barney has been such a stabilizing force for me in these last few days, and I am not sure that I have emphasized that enough to him or on here for that matter.  He has been really willing to let me take on projects and lead the way while he does much of the heavy lifting.  There were times towards the end of our days in the old house when it felt like our marriage might just be falling apart (not because it actually was but because of the stress that we were both under).  It feels like a whole new marriage, even though in many ways our stress is just as high as it was in those last days--though for different, more positive, reasons.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Days 112 & 113--Just Plodding Along

I feel like it looks like we haven't made much progress, though we have not stopped working yet.  Barney continues to just be so happy here, despite any frustrations that may crop up with our builder, the move, other financials, etc.

I have to admit that the lack of sleep and lack of perceived progress has combined to make me somewhat cranky today.  I did my best to hold back, but there were times this morning especially when I was just on edge, and Barney got a sharp word that was probably undeserved on at least two occasions.  I did my best to stifle (though obviously not good enough since I am writing about it now), and I have to admit that he handled it with total grace.  I know that I need to get a better night's sleep tonight if I am going to stay healthy and sane.

But . . . that guestroom sure does want to be put together.  I can tell.  It's calling to me.  I had some friends mention they may come by this week, and I would hate to not have things ready.  So, bed or work?  Bed or work?   . . . . . .

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Day 111--He's Injured, Injured Bad

Well, Barney was definitely having a rough time of it for most of today with his foot, and by the time the kids went down for their afternoon nap, he was out for the count too.  The nap seemed to have helped though, and he was in much better shape for most of the rest of the day.  He's already sound asleep, which is a very good thing.  Hopefully he will be in even better shape tomorrow.

It's hard for me when he is hurting and I cannot fix it.  I wish that I could find some magic solution to just make the pain stop, but it rarely seems to work that way.  So, instead, I spent the day trying to do things that he might like, such as putting up his tie racks, belt racks, shoe organizers, etc in his closet and setting up a shelving and organization system in the garage where he can organize all of our sports gear.  I did not attempt to actually put any of his stuff away, because he likes getting to come up with his own organization system, but it's nice to not have to do the grunt work prior to finding the organization system. 

We had a great family dinner tonight with Barney cooking hot dogs and bratwursts on the grill to go with baked beans (microwaved, since that is our only working kitchen appliance), fresh fruit, and Cheetos.   It would have been more fun to eat outside, but the wind has been insane today.  All in all though, I think that everyone had a good day today and that Barney went to bed in much better spirits than yesterday, which is wonderful.  This next week should be interesting since the kids will be home with us all day each day without any help while we are still continuing our full work weeks.  They have really been playing well together of late though, so hopefully that trend continues.  It's also a big goal to get the game room functioning as soon as possible so that they have a clear play of play and access to their toys, which are still in boxes for the most part.

I am continuing in all of this to try to find little ways to show Barney how much I love and appreciate him, like suggesting a stop by McDonald's for a soft serve ice cream cone, being careful to comment on how much he is doing on the house and with the kids, and letting him sleep as much as possible because of his injury.  Hopefully those little things are adding up to make a difference.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Days 109 & 110--So Much Progress, So Little to Show

I feel terrible that I keep missing days of posting, but we are getting up at 7:00am and working until 1:00am without naps or breaks, so it's been a little bit hard to sit down and write.  As we speak, Barney is exhorting me to come to bed, which won't happen for two reasons: 1. I am a bit of a perfectionist and have a hard time stopping when work is not done and 2. I still have work to do.  Of course, I could work straight through the night without making that much of a dent, so the logic is not awesome.  But, I can't help myself.

We are definitely still in the honeymoon phase with our house, which is good because we are starting to notice problems, large and small.  The big problems are as follows: the water line to the fridge does not work, the ovens don't work, and the stove doesn't work.  So, my beautiful kitchen is basically a prop that allows me to do no more than toast bread or microwave food.  Luckily, every one of those things will be covered and fixed at no cost to us by the builder--the question is only how long we will wait.

The other big drama today is that Barney dropped a large table leaf on his barefeet this evening.  One especially is causing a lot of pain, which we can't seem to relieve.  He is hobbling around now, and if it is still bad tomorrow, we will be at the very least calling the doctor.  I read some solutions for easing the pain online, but Barney was wholly uninterested in the suggestions (which call for burning a tiny hole in his nail to drain the blood).  I guess it could force us to slow down, which some might view as ultimately a good thing, but I would not put myself in that camp.  As such, I'm going to be encouraging all ideas for pain relief, and most specifically a doctor's visit.