Barney is working so hard to make my 30th birthday special for me. I don't know if he senses that I am not looking forward to it as a milestone or just if he feels like it is a major milestone that should be celebrated. Either way, he has worked hard already to try to make it a good birthday. First, we got to go to my hometown last night to eat at my favorite restaurant, and then we drove over two hours to his sister's house to spend the night because it was part way to this huge flea market that I wanted to visit to get fun decorations for our house. (The kids are with my parents).
Then, we drove another hour today to go the flea market, where we got several really cool things for the house. We got home at a reasonable hour tonight, putting away our new goodies, then cooking a homemade dinner and watching a movie for the first time in our new house.
It should have been such a good day, but I continue to be plagued by sadness over the loss of my cat, and Barney continues to make it clear that he does not want to get a new one. So, in addition to mourning my cat, I also am struggling with a wide range of emotions, from anger to resentment, over the knowledge that I am not going to get a new cat in the future. It is hard for me to be honest or to interact well with Barney right now because I am on the one hand so touched at his obvious attempts to make me feel special while also almost seething with resentment over the knowledge that the one thing I want most is not going to happen.
As with any other issue we have faced, I know this will work itself out, but in the meantime, I am just a bit at a loss these days.
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