Still in the Trenches

I can't believe it's been over a week since my last post. I haven't forgotten my goal or stopped endeavoring to meet it, but I have so many demands on my time these days that I simply cannot do it all, and blogging has been pushed down each day to the bottom of a list that never gets completed.

Outside of my ongoing work, caring for my newborn as well as his older siblings, and trying to maintain my household, we have had major family events for the past week that had either seen us out of town staying with family or in town but with family staying with us. It has been a blast, but time to myself, to spend with Barney, and to sleep have been quite scarce. We said goodbye to my uncle and his family today and have three days of downtime before we head off to visit Barney's family. Of course, it's not really downtime when you have to use that time to catch up on where you fell behind and to try to work ahead so as not to fall behind again this next trip.

The good news is that Barney got to sneak away from my family for a day to go play paintball with his brothers and then to gave them stay the night at our house. I know he had a blast, and I'm sure he loved the break from the insanity.

We are still trying to figure out our roles with this new baby, and it's been hard so far to find a good balance. I'm hoping thongs will be much easier once he's old enough to sleep through the night.

Everything Has to be Deliberate These Days

These are the days where both if us are hungry for the little acts of love, both those completed without much thought and those carefully planned, performed by the other throughout each day. We are each consumed by a thousand daily tasks brought on by our new addition to our family--me with the near 24/7 task of caring for Jefferson and Barney with almost full responsibility for the care of George and Olivia. Add to this our general and persistent sleep deprivation, our continued and steady workload, and our plates ate beyond full. We have both reached places where we need nothing more than moral and physical support from our partner, soul mate, and best friend. The trouble is that we have do little left over to give and almost no time in which to give it. What we do give is, has to be, very deliberate and is almost always a sacrifice in some way. I can't speak for Barney, but I know that I treasure these offerings more than any extravagant present that he might bestow. I hope he feels the same, as those comforts have been an anchor in this chaotic time.

Day 184: I Broke My Toe . . . I Think

I suppose that technically I cannot say for absolute certainty that I broke my toe, but what I know is that I cannot bend or move it without causing myself extreme pain, and I cannot put very much weight on it without it becoming extremely painful. 

How did I manage this feat you ask?  Well, we decided last night to move Jefferson to the guest room instead of our bedroom because his little noises throughout the night were making it hard for us to sleep even when he was sleeping.  And, Barney had had a very long day, so I decided to do the middle of the night feeding in the guest room as well so that Barney would be able to sleep through the night without interruption.  Only, on my way in there, I decided that instead of walking through the doorway, it would be better just to walk right into the door itself, jamming the door between two of my toes in an extremely painful fashion.

My initial yelp of pain was enough to get Barney out of bed to check on me, but when he realized it was just a stubbed toe, he was quickly headed back to bed.  Only then, a few minutes later, I decided to try to wiggle my toes, which caused extreme pain and desperate appeals to Barney to come aid me, which he did without complaint.  So much for a full night's sleep.  Instead, he ended up in the guestroom while Jefferson and I took over the master bedroom.

To make matters worse, he had to get up really early with George and Olivia to go to George's last baseball game--a double header that began at 8:00am.  He followed that up with a round of golf with my dad, brother, and a friend, and then finished the night out with a pool party at a neighbor's house.  He's been in bed since 9:00, and I am hoping to allow him to get some great sleep, especially since tomorrow is Father's Day. 

We won't be able to do too much tomorrow to celebrate sadly, in part because we can't really take Jefferson out in public yet and in part because I have a broken toe and am quite limited in my ability to do things.  His present was the lawn mower that we got a few weeks back.  So, basically, I am planning a nice dinner tomorow night and as much downtime as possible for the guy.

In the meantime, I have to figure out how to catch some ZZZs myself pretty soon as I feel myself teetering on the brink of exhaustion.  My goal is to sleep when the kids sleep tomorrow at the very least, but if that doesn't happen, hopefully at least Barney will be well-rested and get to have an enjoyable day.

Days 181-183: Plugging Along

Once you are past the newborn phase, you remember vaguely how rough it is, but you don't remember just what a beatdown it can be to consistently fail to sleep for any stretch of time and to have your body become nothing more than a recepticle for caring for others--and in some painful ways.  It's God's way of helping to make sure that procreation continues on Earth I think.  Otherwise we would all be like the Chinese and only have one child.

That said, there have obviously been some amazingly sweet moments throughout these past 9 days as well.  --Like when Olivia went to go try to hug Jefferson to soothe him when he was crying and sad yesterday.  Or when George wanted to invite several friends over to meet the new baby.  Or like when Barney not only cooked me a steak dinner last night but cleaned up the entire mess, including emptying and re-loading the dishwasher last night.

Those moments really help to make up for the other moments--like when I called the nurse today because Jefferson hadn't had a dirty diaper in two days only to be told I should stick a thermometer up there and twirl it around or when I was spared that indignity because Jefferson decided to have the world's biggest dirty diaper all over me tonight or when I am up at 3:00am and in tears because sometimes breastfeeding just plain hurts, especially when you are tired.

One thing I know for sure though is that I could not be doing this without Barney.  While the lion's share of caring for Jefferson is falling to me these days, he is doing so much with Olivia and George.  And, he pulls out some awesome favors sometimes with Jefferson today too, like getting up with him at 6:45 this morning and letting me sleep until 9:00.  That was amazing.  He also went grocery shopping for me today.

In turn, tomorrow I am sending him to golf with the boys, and next Sunday he gets to go play paintball with his brothers.  But, first he has to get up super early to take George to a baseball game while Jefferson and I hold down the fort at home.  My parents and brother/sis-in-law will be there as well though.  Really, it should be a fun day all around.  Now if I can just get enough sleep tonight to enjoy it.

Days 175-180: I'm Back :)

I cannot believe that it has been six days since I last posted.  I cannot believe that it has been six days since I gave birth for that matter.  The first couple of weeks really are a fog of timelessness where days and nights have no meaning and routines are abandoned and time takes on a surreal feeling.

They are also very difficult times for spouses I think because each spouse is struggling to re-write his/her role as a parent and provider, while trying to maintain some sort of humanity for himself/herself, and being a spouse just seems to take a back seat to everything else.

I have found myself frustrated over the past few days, wanting Barney to see me more than he does.  It's not that he's not involved or helping, but sometimes I feel like he just doesn't see or notice how hard this week has been on me.  Then, I started thinking today that he probably feels the same way about me, and it is probably true.  Each of us has picked up a more significant burden and share of responsibilities, so each of us are struggling to figure it all out.  So, if he doesn't see me and how this experience is affecting me, it is because he is too busy living out his own experience of adjusting to being a parent of three.

I have been told that having three kids is a huge adjustment from having two, and I absolutely agree with that assessment now that we are living it.  That said, I am completely and utterly smitten with my new little guy and would not trade him in or give him back for anything.  Hopefully things will become easier the older he gets and especially once we get him into a routine that involves regular naps and sleeping through the night.

This morning, I got up with the kids and made them breakfast and Barney breakfast for the first time since coming home from the hospital.  It felt like a major accomplishment even though it was just poptarts for the kids and a bagel for Barney.  I also managed to do four loads of laundry and to entertain Marshall and his family who came out to meet Lincoln for the first time (most of the rest of the family has already come through at earlier points in the week).  Needless to say I am now exhausted, but I am also ready for my new challenge tomorrow, which is to venture out of the house and to go grocery shopping.  It sounds like a minor thing but feels like a major excursion.  I've noticed that both Barney and I have started reveling in the routine over the past few days.  He was over the moon to get to mow the lawn today, and I was inordinately proud of getting our laundry done.  I guess that is progress from yesterday when I felt proud to have put on makeup and fixed my hair.

Baby is Here!!

After several days of nonproductive labor followed by about an hour of active labor, baby Jefferson has arrived! Barney was so amazing and supportive as my body struggled to move into active labor without much success. He was patient and loving and never made me feel stupid or inadequate.

I am so blessed as a wife and a mother and couldn't be more overjoyed tonight. My heart is truly full.

Days 170-173 And Not Gone Yet

Despite a visit to the hospital for regular contractions late last night, there is no baby yet.  We are just in full waiting mode--Barney as much as I.  I am seriously behind in work at this point, so my goal is to catch up as much as possible on that over the next couple of days, since I am assuming at this point that we will in fact have to be induced on Thursday.  Barney has been a wonderful support system over the past few days, and I am as always so grateful to have him for my partner.

That's not a lot to say, I know, but these days, my patience to post is somewhat lessened, though I will try to catch up soon :)

Days 170-171: Still Here . . .

There is nothing quite like getting to the end of a pregnancy and reaching the waiting game period.  I've gotten to the point where I'm afraid to even call people on the phone because I know that their first question will be "are you in labor" and it will be just too depressing to have to say no.

But, Barney and I are finding ways to keep busy.  We had a neighbor over for dinner tonight, and then we all went outside to play with two other families on the street.  At one point, I looked out at the seven kids, ranging from almost five to six months and was struck by just how clearly our prayers were answered by this move, despite the frustration that has gone into the move.  We wanted to go somewhere with a stronger sense of community, and that is exactly what we have found.  I hope that one day we will go to some of these kids' weddings and muse about how we remember them sticking their heads in the sprinklers and trying to feed each other dirt when they were just tiny little ones.

It was somewhat bittersweet to me that Jefferson would not be coming home from the hospital to the same home as Olivia and George, but now I cannot imagine it any other way.  We have found home, and it feels just right to both of us.

Barney continues to thrive here in a way that was missing at our old house, which is part of what makes this feel so much more like home to me, and I continue to encourage that at every step.  In turn, he supports me and is doing his best to make sure I am well-taken care of and provided for.  Today at least, our marriage seems to be running almost effortlessly, and I am planning on storing up these moments in my heart, because I know that inevitably there will be rough times again.  The strength we are building now will go a long way to supporting us through anything that comes our way--at least, that is my prayer.