I have never been much good at my own birthday. Historically, the problem has been that I always went into the day with these impossibly high expectations--wanting to be blown away and utterly amazed at whatever people had planned for me. This year, that was not the case. If I'm being honest, I spent very little time thinking about my birthday before today, in part because there has been so much else going on, and perhaps in larger part because I really don't relish the idea of being 30. At least for me, it has an uncomfortable way of forcing me to think about my own mortality, which is not the most pleasant way to pass the time.
But, despite the lack of expectations, it still wasn't my best day or a day that I will relish in memory. The pathetic part about this is that it was certainly not for a lack of trying on Barney's part. I have always emphasized to him in the past that what I want most for any celebration is to know that he put effort into trying to make the day special. In other words, it really is the thought that counts. A well-thought out small present is worth far more to me than an expensive present bought at the last minute (especially since we share a bank account ;).
Today, there were no presents (that was what we did this weekend on our shopping trip). So, instead he focused just on making me feel special. He made me a homemade breakfast that we shared with the kids. Then we went into town for lunch at a restaurant he had found online and thought I would like (and it was really good food). We hurried back to be in time for when the nanny had to leave, and then got some work done this afternoon. For dinner, he actually hired a personal chef to come and cook us a four course meal at our house. The menu was carefully hand-picked by Barney and is as follows: bruschetta, a salad with pears, pancetta, walnuts, and balsamic vinagrette, filet mignon and asparagus, and then pots de creme for dessert. He also bought me birthday cake from two bakeries in town and gave me red roses. He was incredibly sweet all day long--truly it was a very well-planned day and showed just how well he knows me and what I like.
Despite all of that, turning 30 just didn't feel fun. It felt depressing and sad, and I also battled all day long to suppress my hopes of being given a kitten as a special birthday surprise. It was not so much that I had to have a kitten today as much as it is that I believe that if he didn't give me one for this major milestone, chances that he is going to allow me to get one in the next year are very slim. Today was grand gesture day, and that grand gesture was nowhere to be seen. I know that I am not going to force him to allow me to have a cat, nor do I even plan to ask for one again. So, today meant having to try to really let go of that hope/expectation. It hurt, and I am sure it will continue to hurt. However, I know that Barney is not taking this position because he doesn't love or care about me, and he worked so hard today to show just how much he does love and care about me. Because I love and care about him just as much, I feel I owe it to him to see just what life without a cat will be like for me.
We will soon be wrapped up again in a haze of new baby and learning to be the parents of three. I may just find that for now, having one less dependent creature to love and take care of may not be the worst thing for me after all.
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