My Mistake

So, I made kind of a big mistake today/last night.  I knew that I was totally worn out from all of the events that we have had going on for the past few weeks, and I was kind of upset when Barney went to bed at 10:00, leaving me to take care of Jefferson by myself and to finish up my work without any extra help from him.  I got it all done though, and then I got to bed about 12:30.  Then, I woke up at 4:30 ready to feed, but strangely, Jefferson was not awake.  I couldn't decide whether or not to wake him up or let him sleep, but I knew that I needed to get some milk out, so I decided to pump.  After pumping, Jefferson still wasn't awake, but I decided he needed to eat at this point.  Normally, I would wake Barney up and let him give the bottle while I tried to get more sleep, but I figured that he was probably as exhausted as I was, so I let him sleep and did the feeding myself.

I woke up again at 8:00, though none of the kids were awake.  I knew I had to get up because we had an appt in town with our church at 9:30, so I got up and got dressed and then got Barney up.  We got the kids dressed and got everything ready to go to our appointment, but once we got in the car, I came to quickly realize that I was extremely upset with Barney for three reasons: 1. he didn't even notice that I let him sleep, and it had felt like a huge sacrifice to me, so for him not to be grateful really hurt my feelings.  2. I felt like he was being really short with me, which seemed very unfair considering how much I am constantly doing and the fact that he was well-rested while I am not.  3.  I was very tired and probably am easily hurt right now.

I haven't been able to shake my feeling of being upset all day long, and it has resulted in more than one crying jag today.  He doesn't understand why I am upset, and it makes him alternately baffled and angry at me.  He is already asleep while I have a good while to go yet again.  I know that this time of sleeplessness always falls more to the mother, and I know that it is not forever.  But, right now, it is not doing anything for my marriage or for me as a person.  I am going to work on being less resentful and on trying to do a better job of realizing that it is not really Barney's fault that the workload is not and perhaps cannot be split 50/50 at this point in our lives.