Dear Barney,
This past week saw me in two different doctor's offices to be evaluated for two different issues, both of which had the possibility of revealing an outcome of cancer. By the grace of God, I was cleared in both instances--one was benign cysts and the other a false positive result on a previous test. The night after I found out the good news, we were cooking dinner together for some friends, and you were stressed out about having enough food. Finally, you kept asking me why I wasn't stressed out, and I just looked at you and said, "There's enough food. This isn't something to stress out over--I know we will have plenty." (which we did of course!). I took the same attitude as we planned for our eldest son's fourth birthday party this week (which of course is so unlike me). Your response back to me was that you are glad that those issues arose and that I had to face the possibility of having cancer because it changed my perspective on what matters and what does not. Upon much reflection, I could not agree more. In reality, my life has not changed at all. I don't have cancer now, but I didn't have it before either. However, I had to come to terms with the idea that I could have it, which made me reflect on my mortality in a much more concrete fashion that I am accustomed to doing. It's not like I wasn't aware before that I will someday die, but that day has always seemed pretty remote and something easy to set aside and ignore for the time being. During the couple of weeks from the time that I was asked to make the appointments to the time that I actually went in, that "someday" became so much more tangible to me. I don't recommend spending all of your time thinking about death, but as cliched as this is, those weeks really did give me a far more concrete appreciation of my life and the blessings that I have been given--especially you and the children. Mostly, it is so much more real to me that the time that we have together is absolutely finite. There are only so many days in which I can do better or can make the time to have quality experiences with you all. When one becomes aware of how much each moment counts, it has a mobilizing effect on avoiding procrastination and on finding opportunities to turn the mundane into the special.
Regardless of whether or not this new(ish) outlook had a strong impact on our week, I had a great week with you this week. We put together two new bookshelves and a wine rack, we put up new lights, and we had our sidewalk and swingsets put in. We also watched two movies together, planned and executed a birthday and a birthday party, and managed to almost completely avoid tense moments throughout the entirely insane week.
In church today, as I looked around at all of the other couples sitting around us, I was struck by how grateful I am to be the partner that you chose. If nothing else could convince people of the existence of God, anyone who is as lucky as I am to have a soulmate with whom they spend their lives should have no doubt that there exists a loving God who only wants the best for His people. It's just too amazing to be coincidence. And it's definitely not an accident.
You. Me. --that's fate, destiny, and one amazing blessing.
I love you so much.
--me.
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