Day 83--Words from a World Away

Sleeping is one of my great pleasures in life, but I seem to be unable to do it very well these days.  I fall into bed exhausted but cannot quiet my mind enough to fall asleep, and once I wake up in the morning, my mind is immediately racing again, making sleep an elusive creature yet again, even if I don't have to get up yet.

This morning I woke up exhausted and could not go back to sleep.  So, I got up, but my crankiness was at a very high level and my tolerance of handling anything from the annoying to the frustrating was at an all time low.

It got to the point where I was avoiding talking to Barney just because I was afraid that if I said anything it would either come out as nasty or would actually be nasty.  After lunch I did my best to take a nap--it didn't exactly work, but it helped to ground me enough that I could interact in humane ways again.

When I woke up the kids were still napping, so I used the time to get some work done.  While reading for one of my classes, I came across this song written in the early 1300s by a French composer.  I find the lyrics to be so beautiful and so transcendent of time.  They were a perfect encapsulation of all that I feel about Barney, so I emailed it to him as a dedication of all that I feel about him.

I want to stay faithful, guard your honor,
Seek peace, obey
Fear, serve and honor you,
Until death/


For I love you so much, truly,
that one could sooner dry up
the deep sea
and hold back its waves
than I could constrain myself
from loving you,


without falsehood; for my thoughts
my memories, my pleasures
and my desires are perpetually
of you, whom I cannot leave or even briefly forget.


There is no joy or pleasure
or any other good that one could feel
or imagine which does not seem to me worthless
whenever your sweetness wants to sweeten my bitterness
Therefore I want to praise
and adore and fear you,
suffer everything,
experience everything, endure everything
more than I desire any reward.

I want to stay faithful . . .


You are the true sapphire
that can heal and end all my sufferings,
the emerald which brings rejoicing,
the ruby to brighten and comfort the heart.
Your speech, your looks,
Your bearing, make one flee and hate and detest
all vice and cherish and desire all that is good.


I want to stay faithful. . .