Do you know how easy it is to lose sight of bigger ideas in the midst of details? I am a detail person, and I always have been. The big picture is Barney's job, while I am the person who takes care of all of the little stuff. For example, I have spent a lot of time working on utilities this week--getting the ones scheduled to disconnect at our current house and getting the ones set up to start at our new house. Apparently, women rarely do those types of things in Aledo, because when I called the first propane company, the woman asked me if I wanted to consult my, "um . . . partner" before making a final decision on what type of tank to get and where to put it. I guess only lesbians actually set up their own propane.
But, the point here is that I can so easily lose myself in details and keep all of my focus on the minutae of each day. I can make lists and plans all day long, and then when the day ends, I will realize that I haven't actually spent any time on things of value. If I'm not careful, I am going to look back on my life one day and realize that all I have done is take care of the petty or even frivolous details, spending so much time planning and organizing that I forgot to actually enjoy the outcomes I was working for. I seem to either dwell on the past or focus on the future. Living in the moment is not my forte.
I have a hard time focusing on other people in the present, and that ranges from strangers to family to my husband. It has lead to social awkwardness, and it has lead to many of my greatest weaknesses as a wife. My goal for now, then, is to stop focusing on what I should have done or what I need to do and to allow myself to focus on the right here and right now. And, mostly that means in this context, focusing on enjoying time with my husband and paying attention to what is happening rather than what I want to have happen or feel like should be happening or am planning to have happen soon.
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