Day 58--A Parenthood Lesson in Marriage

Barney and I both enjoy watching the NBC show called Parenthood that airs on Tuesday nights.  So, tonight we watched the show as our evening was winding down, and it afforded me a small insight into what I want to accomplish, or at least what I am trying to change.

The show features a variety of couples in various stages and forms of marriage, and tonight's episode really focused on two marriages in particular.  In both of these story lines, I found something to learn about myself and my marriage.  In the first, there is a couple who are engaged to be married soon--Crosby and Jasmine.  Crosby is a very laid-back man who has not really grown up despite being well into his thirties, and Jasmine is a very take-charge woman who has strong opinions and no problem voicing and enforcing her views.  In the other marriage, Kristina is a stay-at-home wife whose sole responsibility is to take care of her family and to support her husband.  Barney pointed out to me tonight that when they are speaking to others as a united front, Kristina looks to her husband before speaking, uses body language to convey total support of whatever her husband says, and often merely echoes his statements when she does speak.  While she has a voice in private conversations, he is clearly in charge and the dominant force in his marriage while her role is as the strong supporting wife.

Barney really hates Jasmine's character.  He has loathed her from the beginning and finds very little that is redeeming about her.  His vehemence was never stronger than tonight, and I found it to be very unsettling.  The problem is that I see much of myself in Jasmine.  I have strong opinions, want to take charge of situations, and all too often lack tact in how I do so.  I know many women who really run the show while making it appear that their husband is in charge.  That is a gift that none of the women in my family were blessed with.  Barney made a big joke tonight of making me re-watch (multiple times) a scene where Kristina acted as total support and back up for her husband during a conversation with their daughter, so that I would "learn" the appropriate way for a wife to behave.  He was making a joke, but I think that in many ways it was what I used to call kidding on the square, or making a joke out of something that might not really be that much of a joke.

However, like Jasmine and unlike Kristina, I am a significant contributor to the family's financial situation.  While I may not have a conventional job with conventional hours or an office outside of my home, I am a full time working mother and wife.  Barney has always strongly advocated that I work and has never wanted me to become a stay-at-home mother and wife.  My role is simply not just one of being a support system and caretaker.  On the other hand, I know and believe that my take-charge instincts and sense of entitlement to making decisions is not an enhancement to our marriage.  Essentially, I think that Barney and I both know and are aware that we don't fit into the traditional mold of husband and wife that we grew up learning was appropriate, but on the other hand, we aren't sure exactly what is the best way to meld the traditional views that we hold with the modern family life that we lead.

While I want to make Barney happy, I don't want to do it at the cost of significant personal happiness.  I don't know if that sounds selfish, but I don't think that a marriage is healthy if only one person is happy in the marriage, so deliberately making myself unhappy seems foolish.  My role is and will be for the foreseeable future as a working and financially contributing member of this household.  But, even if that were not the case, I am not sure that I am made in Kristina's mold anyway.  So, I don't want to be a Kristina, but I sure don't want to be a Jasmine either.  As I watched the episode I was not any more impressed with her behavior than Barney was, despite my ability to empathize with her.  When I think back on my own past behavior that somewhat mirrors hers, I am not proud and do not have a desire to continue that behavior.

So, the question then becomes what exactly is my proper role as a wife in this marriage, and how do I learn to assert myself in this marriage without taking over and becoming controlling, demanding, over-powering, or even just bossy.  I think that my reputation for having those characteristics began early in my toddler years, so this is not a recently learned behavior that I am battling.

Much of what I am trying to do this year is to learn how to be a better wife for my husband.  My ultimate goal is to find ways to improve our marriage by improving the kind of wife that I am--deliberately, each day, working to strengthen our partnership and commitment to one another through whatever means works, including finding ways to make him happy, openly displaying my love and affection, and by taking care of my husband and family to the very best of my ability.  Maybe that will sometimes mean stepping into a role that is more like Kristina and allowing Barney take the lead and handle a situation, and maybe that means sometimes asserting myself and my opinions like Jasmine when by doing so I will be best serving my family's interests and needs at that moment.

My picture of what this all should look like is not very clear, but at least I'm getting a clearer picture of what it is I want to do.