Have I ever mentioned that I have control issues? I've spent several of the last 24 hours combing the internet for some way to cure Barney's mouth sores or at the very least for some reliable way to relieve the pain. I've been all over websites (it's amazing how many people actually suffer from this same malady actually), and I decided last night that it was time for him to visit the doctor again--the last time he went was in 2005. I felt so sure that they would have found something in the last six years that could make a difference or that our doctor here would know something the doctor in Tennessee did not. This morning, as I was getting ready for my own doctor's appointment (just the regular prenatal appt), I called and scheduled an appointment for him. Somehow I thought I could fix this--I love our primary doc, and I was just sure he would have an answer for me.
No big shocker though that my attempts at control were not successful. The doctor gave him a prescription, but from what I've read, there is not a lot to be hopeful about this prescription doing much. I just hate seeing Barney hurting so much (he's now up to four sores, all in different parts of his mouth), and I feel so helpless and useless being able to do nothing more than offer milkshakes, soup, and respite from the children. Barney's not laying around or moping, but he has this way of holding his head and his mouth when he has his sores that just slays me--it is an attempt to manage the pain he won't talk about. And by the time the kids go to bed, he's not going to talk unless it's really, really important because it just hurts too much. Seeing him hurting like that really sucks. (How's that for eloquent?)
I have been reminded on more than one occasion in the last day of how many more things could go wrong and be so much worse than anything we have faced in the last month. In all reality, ten years from now, I will probably not remember this rough patch with much vividness at all. But despite knowing that this is a temporary pain and a temporary season in life, I just wish I could make it better with some quick and easy solution.
Today, Olivia fell at school and got a pretty deep cut on her eyebrow, so we took her to the doctor to see if she needed stitches. They gave her a little glue and sent her on her way. She may still have a small gash on her head, but it was like they just magically made her all better. That's what I want--magic glue to make everything all better. Am I super aware as I type this of just how obvious is that God is working on my heart and trying to teach me a lesson about trusting in Him and relying on Him? You betcha.
But, I also know that God's answer is not likely to be to dab on the magic glue and offer me the exact solutions that I'm hoping for in the time frame I'm hoping for. I want to trust in God and give him control and then to have him reward me with giving me exactly what I want. That's the rub right there--learning to trust in him and honestly being okay with things turning out in some way that is completely different than the outcome you had looked for. I always think about two examples in the Bible--the first being of Hannah and Abraham who knew exactly what they wanted to see happen and prayed earnestly to God for that specific outcome, and because of their sincerity and trust in God, he granted them their wish. For Hannah, it was a son. For Abraham, it was the willingness to spare a city if enough good people could be found, even though as it turns out, there weren't enough.
The next example is of Jesus himself who taught us to pray "Not my will by Thine be done." Jesus specifically requests a specific outcome from God, saying "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me," but he follows it up immediately saying "nevertheless, not my will, but thine, be done."
When I am faced with the toughest moments in my life, I always want to be like Hannah and boldly make my requests of God, confronting, beseeching, and eagerly begging for my will to be done. Despite her amazing example though, somehow I know that the path of a Christian is almost always going be that of the path revealed to us that night in the garden of Gethsemane. My prayer tonight is to make my path in the life the one of Gethsemane, and I believe that in doing so, I will be doing so much more than all the milkshakes and cups of soup in the world and certainly more than any number of hours of internet searches could ever hope to do.
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