We spent almost four hours today looking at ten different houses in the town where we want to move. While things were hectic getting out the door this morning, the house hunting itself was very smooth for the first half of the trip. We were seeing houses that I liked but didn't love. There was one house that I just loved, but it didn't have any grass for the kids to play on, so it was an immediate and irrevocable no. We've learned our lesson on that one. Going through the houses, I felt like there was definite potential in the area even if there wasn't a house that was for me. There was one that fit all of our criteria in theory, but when we left, we both just admitted that it was not right somehow. It just felt fine--it felt like if we moved there we would be settling. I could handle this type of a result--it meant that I had no real reason to need to sell my house right now, since there was nothing that I really wanted to move into anyway.
Then, we went to our seventh, eighth, and ninth houses. The seventh house was just amazing. I loved the whole house, and it was not even in the top of our price range. It had a couple of pitfalls, but it definitely felt like a house that I could live in happily for the next 20+ years. It felt like it could easily become home for me. The eighth house was on the same street, and it was also a house I could see myself in, though I didn't love it as much as the first one. The ninth house was the exact same as the seventh, except that it had a fifth bedroom (a huge bonus) and a very large pond in the backyard (a definite downside for me). And, it was significantly more in price.
Finding houses that I really loved had a definite and immediate effect on me. I felt trapped and desperate to get out of our house at any cost. It is a panicky feeling, much like when I was trying to get pregnant, and I know the feeling stems from not being able to completely control the situation myself. And, to add to my panic, Jefferson's kicks are a constant reminder of how much greater our need to move will be in the next few months.
On the drive home though, Barney and I had a really good talk, and I prayed, asking God to help me control my panic. When we got home, we had a quick lunch and then went to work. Amazingly, I was able to focus really well and got my work completely caught up, which I would have said was impossible. The panic almost immediately ceased. It is amazing how sometimes God can really take your breath away with an immediate and obvious answer to prayer. It always knocks me back a few notches and reminds me just how much He is in control and why trying to anything on my own is such a pathetic idea ultimately.
I am so glad that I built up the nerve to go out and see houses with Barney today. We may not sell our house anytime soon, and those houses that I love may quickly be the homes of people I will never know. But, the reminder that God gave me today of how poor of an idea it is to orchestrate this whole move by myself was more needed than I even realized. I know myself well enough to know that my struggle with control is certainly not going to cease today, but I hope to hang onto this peace for as long as possible and to remember today as a reminder of why it's best that I don't actually pull the strings.
I followed my husband; I humbled myself to the Lord. The blessings were many, though the house remains as unsellable as ever :)
smiling.
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